I can't cope with the grief of only having one child anymore. It was H's decision due to him not coping well with the one we had, and I have OCD but it is no longer as bad as when our child was younger. He spent many years telling me that we couldnt have another until my OCD was cured so I spent many long hours having counselling for that, when really H couldnt cope even when Im better. He knew before we married that I wanted two children but avoid taking any responsibility to tell me his feelings changed.
Im now 44, perimenopausal and each day the feelings get harder to deal with, I am permantly angry and resentful with H, he is doing his typical only child reaction and retreating to his own world and I no longer want to bother getting him out. I hate that he wasnt honest with me about his feelings, I hate that he didnt let me decide to either stay or to move on, I hate he seems to think its just a matter of dealing with the emotion and move on.
We have tried relate and he didnt really listen to what the counseller said unless it benefited him, and I feel Im stuck with a selfish man-child. He promises to make effort until it comes to it, and then hes too tired, too stressed, too anything other than make an effort.
We have just had a blazing row and he has taken child to the cinema to see a film we all wanted to see and I've just sobbed my heart out. I cant see anyway forward other than divorce as he wont make any effort. Its our wedding anniversary and hes bought token flowers, but include flower colours he knows I dont like and it all feels very superficial.
I know Im depressed, my last counsellor said I needed to take anti-d's but they trigger my ocd fears so have avoided them, but now feel I have nothing left to loose as the pain is so intense mentally it feels phyical.
Im not even sure why I've posted, I know I should be happy with our child and I am, but I feel Ive let our child down by not having a sibling that they have also expressed a desire to have. It kills me when I see our child watching other siblings playing together and I can see they want to join in or have someone to play with, and I know that will never happen now.