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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

One child not entirely through choice

11 replies

Daisybell1 · 30/10/2014 22:04

I have dd who is 3. She was never intended to be an only but I've had 4 mcs since, with no diagnosis.

I can totally see the benefits of an only and she could have an amazing life. She has friends who are onlies so doesn't necessarily see siblings as the norm. I'm also seriously questioning how many times I can attempt pg again as the emotional trauma is taking its toll. However I still have to hide baby pics/announcements on FB as they're too painful to see so I'm clearly not completely at peace. But having no.2 clearly isn't as simple for us as making a choice ie there's no guarantee its going to happen.

Is anyone else in this position? And how did you resolve it?

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Snapespotions · 30/10/2014 22:20

We have one, also not by choice. DD is 9 now, and I have got to the stage where I love the fact that it's just her. There are so many benefits to having an only child - she gets so much more attention, and our relationship is very close. Financially and logistically, it's easier too, and she gets so many more opportunities because if this. Also, we haven't found the "only child" stereotypes to be true at all - she is a very sociable, popular child, and not at all selfish. In fact, I suspect that she is able to be very accommodating of others precisely because she doesn't have to fight for stuff at home.

Of course, there are benefits to having siblings, and I'm sorry that dd will never experience this, though she does have a very close bond with her cousin (also an only child), and she always says she is happy as she is. I'm also sorry for myself that I won't experience the joy that another child would bring, and perhaps that's the biggest part, but overall, I'm really content with how things have turned out.

I often feel that we have been very lucky with dd - she is a delightful child with so many wonderful qualities. Perhaps a second child would have been much harder work? Anyway, I don't want to waste my time on regrets - I feel fulfilled as a parent, and our family is complete as it is.

Original poster

Daisybell1 · 01/11/2014 11:06

Thank you for replying. I am hoping I quickly get to the place you are. I can see the life dd could have as just her and it could be fab. I didn't get on with my sister at all so I can also see how siblings aren't necessarily the close relationship they're made out to be.

I guess I just need some more time to be at peace with the current reality

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NinjaLeprechaun · 02/11/2014 05:43

My daughter is an only by circumstances rather than choice. She's 18 and I still get an occasional twinge of broodiness, but she's delightful all by herself. (And she has a bestest-best friend who's always at my house anyway, so it's a bit like having two in that regard.)

According to her, the only real downside to having grown up an only is that she has no negotiating skills. A vital skill if you have siblings, obviously not if you don't.

violetbean · 02/11/2014 06:47

My parents went through similar. I love being an only child and have managed to develop negotiating skills nonetheless

It must be tough though, hopefully in time things will feel better.

MaudantWit · 09/11/2014 16:14

I have one child. It wasn't by choice at the time but, now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

mayhew · 27/11/2014 17:29

My daughter is now 21. She is a very happy sociable only child, doing well at university. Her two best friends are also only girls and seem equally well adjusted.
It took years to accept I would never have another. It only really left at age 45.

However it did get easier over time. And there are many unforeseen bonuses. We have had much more time and money than expected, she has been round the world with us. My good work record has allowed me to take early retirement at 55. Our marriage is strong and we are looking forward to post child rearing fun. I have friends the same age with primary school kids.....I no longer envy them.

Heyho111 · 02/12/2014 19:37

I am an only child not by choice. I know this is not quite the reply you were looking for but wanted you to hear the otherside.
I'm very privileged. I'm middle aged and still have a lovely close relationship with my mum. She is my friend, confident , someone I go to for advice and support. My children have her undivided attention. Every Christmas is spent together.
I understand your pang for another one but I wouldn't change anything in my life. I'm sure your daughter will feel the same.

thornrose · 02/12/2014 19:54

I have only one child due to circumstance rather than choice, she is 15 now. I'll be honest it took me a good few years to come to terms with it.

Once dd was about 7yo I started to see nappies and buggies and sorting out childcare as very unappealing. I felt as though it would be a step back also the age gap between dd and a sibling would mean their relationship would not be the one I had dreamed of.

I continued to have phases of broodiness but they lessened over time and felt much less intense.

There are many positives to our situation now. I really hope that over time you will come to terms with your situation and see the positives.

Azzurro · 12/12/2014 21:53

Beautiful stories! Thanks so much for sharing! It does help to hear the kids are actually fine....I think I am masking my wish for another with my DD life, she does not know otherwise, life for her so far has been as only child...in fact a much beloved one!

phoenixrose314 · 16/12/2014 05:57

My DS is currently my only, again not through my own choice. DH already has two children from a previous marriage who visit often and we just don't have the room or financial capabilities for another child! Sad because I would love to have another, and even my DH who was originally dead set against having any children with me has said how amazing fatherhood has been this time around and would happily do it again if we had the finances and room.

But I strongly believe DS will be an only. I am slowly, in my own way, coming to terms with this. I struggle when his daycare tell me that he has been snatching toys from other children and not sharing, because I try my very best to be a good parent and he is so well behaved in every other way - I figure if he had a sibling closer to his own age (His SSs are 16 and 12) he would have learned these skills already.

If the only reason you are considering having an only is because of the heartache of MC, would you consider adoption or long term fostering? Some of these children are so beautiful and need love so desperately. It's something I would consider for my second if we had the room.

2muskateers · 20/04/2015 22:56

Aswell I have an 8 year old, but 3 m/c in the last 2 years. At times I feel it's not meant to be and just enjoy my daughter until someone announces another pregnancy and I can't help wishing, im sure as time goes by it will get easier and the idea of no sleepless nights and nappies will be more appealing

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