So undecided about having another child

[ginzillas]

We have a beautiful DD, who is two-and-a-half. I have never felt the urge to have another DC, apart from a vague 'Hhm, I suppose it would be nice'.

But the negatives of having another DC seem to outweigh the positives right now. We don't earn a great deal (skint at the end of each month, usually) and as I'm self employed, I'd only be able to take about two months of maternity leave before going back to work.

We don't have any family nearby so the cost of childcare would stretch us to the limit. Added to that, I suffered postnatal anxiety last time after a difficult birth, initial feeding issues and trying to work whilst looking after DD when she was tiny. In all honesty, I felt like I lost myself for a good few months. I had suicidal thoughts at some point and would wake up crying in the middle of the night, feeling complete despair.

I had counselling which really helped. These days, I'm more or less back to normal but I still have moments of feeling that I can't cope and I'm terrified of going back to that dark place. DD was too young to realise at the time but she'd certainly notice now if Mummy was sitting on the sofa sobbing and ignoring her. DD still doesn't sleep well so DH and I are both often exhausted from broken nights. And I can't imagine adding a crying-all-night newborn to the mix!

Reading all the above, I know that I sound miserable. I'm not. I utterly loved the experience of being pregnant and despite the difficulties, I have many happy memories of DD's newborn days.

I feel so lucky to have her and have never doubted my love for her. She is the light of my life - and DH feels the same. We adore her, love spending time as a family, have so much fun together and would do anything for her. I have never felt that my family of three is wanting. So why change things, especially when DH is also not fussed about having another baby?

However, I feel guilty at the thought of 'depriving' DD of the chance of a sibling. And other people have started commenting too, which is driving me bonkers. It's not even the grannies, who wouldn't dare say anything! It's friends, who say things like 'Get a move on and having baby number two'. I even had a comment on my Facebook wall.

I know people mean well - and I didn't tell many people about my counselling so they're not being insensitive - but it just adds to the guilt. How do you cope with that and also, how do you know if it's just not right for you to try for number two? All the signs show that we'd probably be better off sticking with just one. But how can I get over this indecision?

Have any of the original posters went on to have a second? Or not? Any regrets/advice?

We have an 18 month old DD. Love her dearly, wouldn’t change her for the world, but have no desire at all to have another.

We have no family around and DD unlikely to have cousins (even if she does they’ll be a minimum of 5 hours flights away).its this that’s really driving my DH desire for another. Yes we both know a sibling doesn’t automatically mean companionship etc but I guess we just feel guilty by not even offering it.

We could afford 2 but it would mean a big change to quality of life as our disposable income would be minimal. We found the first year as new parents incredibly stressful and tbh I still mourn for my life pre children. That said, I would do it all again, no regrets. My worry is if I go for a second, I genuinely think I might regret it - if I’m stressed/they don’t get on/no money for holidays etc.

Would love to hear others thoughts and experiences with siblings/single child families.

Yet another Mum here struggling with this decision!

I have a beautiful 21mo girl who is happy and healthy. My husband would like another, but he is 42 and I am 37. My biggest fear is the increased risk due to our age of there being something wrong with the child, which in my opinion is a fate worse than death for the child, and would ruin all our lives.

Currently our life is perfect and virtually stress free. However there will be some major changes in my work coming up in the next year which could change my 30min round trip to 2hrs commute by car. Plus possibly a pay cut and/or return to full time. I could not cope with that – I’d never see my child on work days. With just one child on subsidised nursery fees my husband could support me to hand my notice in and take the time to look for something else that would not interfere with family life – probably on a much lower wage too. With 2, that would be impossible, and the 2nd child would definitely not be able to go to nursery and have the advantages my 1st child has.

We would also need to move house. I love our home, on the doorstep to the town centre, walking distance from work and lovely neighbours whose children swarm into our garden to play with my little girl. I can’t imagine the stress of trying to move house, and finding somewhere big enough that we can afford without losing the above – whilst pregnant / with baby AND a toddler. We’d struggle to have a life as although my parents are round the corner and can take our daughter occasionally, they’re in their late 60s and would struggle with 2.

My husband just says it’ll all be fine and everyone else seems to manage with 2.

The reasons for: mainly so my daughter is not on her own when we get ill / die. She has cousins but 50 miles away and much older. Family Christmases will not go on much longer as they will have boyfriends/ girlfriends and want to do their own thing. When grandparents die it’ll be even lonlier. My husband is the 2nd of 2 boys. He says he hated his brother growing up, but appreciates it now they’re adults. I was the typical lonely only – I didn’t have any friends growing up and I was desperate for a sibling but my mum was unable to have another. Looking back I don’t see that having a sibling would have solved any of my problems. As for my daughter, her social development is great so far; I’ve provided tons of friends for her through dedicated networking, and she has nursery. If I had another I don’t know how I’d find mums of babies his age to make friends with in the same way.

The other thing is whether I want another baby. The truth is that I want to rewind the clock and have my daughter as a baby again and her not grow up beyond toddler, and having another child would mitigate that by allowing me to relive it again. However it would break my heart that I wouldn’t be able to keep myself and my baby in that bubble, because I’d be interrupted by a demanding 3 year old. It would also break my heart that I couldn’t be there for my daughter all the time, I see another baby as something that would take me away from her. I feel jealous when I think I’d have to pass her on to her father so I could sort the baby out.

Then there’s the guilt – am I being selfish wanting an easy life when that may not be best for my husband and daughter? Or am I being selfish wanting a child to sleep in my arms again when it would cause so much upheaval? The hardest thing is trying to second-guess what life would be like in years to come with either scenario. And with the world the way it is would we even make it to old age anyway?

One piece of advice I’d give to others though, is not to compare growing up as an only for their generation with what was like for us. It is far more common now, parents are more aware of pitfalls and how to navigate them, and we have nurseries to provide that vital social development which can only come from being around other children.

It is an enormous help seeing that I am not the only one finding it hard to decide, and for similar reasons too. Thank you all for sharing.

Iris purple I relate to everything you say but I'm even further down the road with a nearly 6 yo and I'm almost certainly out of time (41) but I still think what if? Have I made the right decision? I'm an only too and wasn't lonely and I'm pretty sure my 6yo will be fine but I do worry that I've made the wrong decision on sticking at one but at the same time am so grateful that my dc is so wonderful and we are all happy at the moment. I also worried about things going wrong with another baby / multiples and how that would affect us and decided it wasn't worth rolling the dice again. I also worry that I have been selfish in choosing an easy life for me but I try hard to make sure dc has lots of play dates and friends

We have no family nearby, dc has no cousins and ageing GPs so it worries me if anything happens to dh and I and also what will happen in the future but having another baby would not help with that

I do agree it's more common for people to have one child now either through choice or because they've left it later to have kids and can only have one.

If this is of any use to anyone, if feel it's worth sharing my experience as an only child. I did want a sibling when i was6 or 7 as it was common among my peers, although i was happy playing by myself and enjoyed a great relationship with my parents. My mum ended up getting pregnant because I asked for a sibling but couldn't go through with it, she really didn't feel she would cope with a second child then and had an abortion. I obviously was oblivious to all this at the time, months later i got over what felt like a fad to me and life went on. I had a great childhood, made friends easily and enjoyed my own company. As an adult, id say it's still the same, plus i have an excellent relationship with my parents and feel i was happiest when they were happy and am glad that my mum did what was best for her, as it would have negatively affected me if she'd gone on to be depressed or struggle too much.
Now, i have a daughter of my own who is only three months and I'm leaning towards not having another as I'm weighing the pros and cons. But it's different for everyone depending on your situation :)

That's really helpful @AbiBrown thank you so much for sharing.

Pleasure! :)

OhFor and Abi, thank you both for your responses. Sorry it took so long to reply - life is so busy - and that is with just one child!

OhFor - have you always felt undecided about having another or are you just starting to have this dilemma now? Did you plan to have more than one when you were trying for your first? I know a lot of people who wanted to have no. 2 within a couple of years but have put their plans off because they have found raising their first harder than they imagined.

I think I'm a little clearer on my position - I feel that if we could wait another couple of years until my daughter was going to school it would sit better with me emotionally. She would need me much less and have her own life with school etc, and a tiny baby would help fill that void. By that point I'd know what was going on with my job too. Having a baby now would make me feel like I could not give either child what they would need from me. Its just unfortunate that with our age we won't be able to do that, it's now or never, and now feels like it's too late already when I consider the risks - and multiples yes - I'd forgotten that one!

Iris purple I always thought I would have 2 but we found having our ds very hard ( no family nearby and he slept badly for years) when all my friends had their seconds when ds was 2/3 I didn't feel ready then he went to school life got easier then I got my own life back and now it's even harder to think about going backwards and also the gap between them would be very big and I am also likely too old to get pregnant anyway .. but I do feel sad about it

@ohfor - very similar situation here - no family help, hard baby, enjoying getting some normality back, worrying if we did ‘go again’ that’s We’d get twins!

It’s the constant too and fro-Ing that drives me mad. Within the space of one day I can honestly change my mind so many times.

Here’s hoping what will be will be!

There is nothing wrong with having only one child! They don't suffer for lack of a sibling and some kids resent it in fact and plenty of siblings never see each other as adults. Also people rarely seem to consider; what if the sibling provided has significant additional needs and what you actually end up giving your child is someone to help look after? Having more than one child is great if it's what you want but don't do it just to provide something you think is missing in your first child's life.

Hello. First time poster here...but wondering if anyone could offer some help. I am one of those mothers who was very ambivalent toward motherhood (married for ten years without a child), but really enjoyed being (and getting ) pregnant (labour and the first 12 weeks is another story, but that's is par for the course, right?). I had my son at 34, am now 35. He is absolutely perfect and I love, love, love him....but I don't know if I want another baby or can even afford it. My husband feels the same way. My DS has just turned one and I am due to go back to work in the next two weeks...so looking forward to it. Some days, I think, I could have another, but then, I think, no, he is it for me. Either way, I feel overwhelming guilt and lately, I have been bombarded with the whole, 'When will you have your second?". I mean, I am 35 and - though I feel very young still - I feel pressure (thankfully not from my husband) to make a decision. How long do I have to be on the fence? My husband and are in a situation where we are still renting, I am paying off hefty student loans (yes, still...but I'm from the US where debt is he norm) and we live in a tiny one-up, one-down house but simply cannot afford to move right now. I feel like shouting at people, 'Even if we did want another one at the moment, where the hell would it be conceived?? Up the chimney?' The saving grace here is that two of my husband's siblings are currently expecting and we all live close by, so my son will have plenty of cousins. My husband keeps reassuring me that there is no need to make a decision yet, but I am terrified that I will make the wrong one. I am equally terrified that, if we do decide to have another in three years time, we run the risk of birth defects.I am also terrified that, should we stick with one, something unspeakable will happen to my beautiful boy and I won't be a mother at all. I really blame my sister in law - who is unhappily a mother of an only child - who said to me - as she watched her daughter playing in the playground one day when my son was four weeks old, 'Look at her playing by herself. The life of an only child is no life for a child.' In my sleep deprived state, her words really struck a chord. Can someone please help? I just need a digital hug. Thank you for listening and I am sorry for the rant.