Left the love of my life because he doesn't want another child

[NicholasMarch]

Hi,
This is a bit long winded so please bear with me.

I separated from my husband 3 years ago and have a 4 year old child with him. We both remain great friends and are the best parents we can be to our child. We have both moved on and I have been in a relationship with someone I have known for 8 years, for the past 2 years.

I have grown to love him deeply and our relationship has been something that I never thought I'd ever experience. It sounds cliched, but we are perfect together, apart from one thing . . . he is 10 years older than me (I am 33, he is 43), has 2 older children and doesn't want another child.

He is absolutely brilliant with my four year old and loves him like his own, but just does not want any more. Whilst I totally respect this and understand his reasons for not wanting another, my feelings for wanting another child of my own is at the same level as his not wanting one.

The problem I have is that I am in a catch 22 situation - I simply cannot imagine my life without being with the man I love like I never thought possible and am so so happy with, but at the same time, I cannot accept that by choosing to stay with him, I am 'choosing' not to have any more children even though it goes against every innate, maternal instinct that I have.

I have tried for months to 'accept' the idea of not having any more children but I just can't, or can't accept the fact that I am being forced to 'choose' not to when by choice I would actually choose the opposite.

So, after an incredibly painful process, we have decided that the only way forward is to go our separate ways. Now we are both desperately miserable without each other. And the simple fact is, I may have just lost the only chance I actually had at being in a really happy (on every level apart from the child issue) relationship.

I may meet someone, have another child, fulfil that 'dream' but never be truly happy.

I know I'm probably asking for too much but I just wondered whether there was anyone else out there who is or has been in a similar situation?

I am in a similar situation with me wanting a 2nd child and my husband does not. I have thought about it over and over again and at the moment I am working on getting past the child issue and trying to focus on him and our dd (age 4).

Does another child really mean more to you than your life with your partner? How will life be worse without another child?

Before dh and I got married the vicar only had one piece of advice for us and that was to remember than our marriage must always come before our children as we're together because we love each other not simply to be parents. I think the advice is right, I love my husband as you do your partner and I think you should work together to get through the issue. Focus on all the things you can do without a second....I'm planning big holidays for our daughter to experience (with a second it'd mean another £10k a year of childcare so I plan to spend this on activities with dh and dd- well within reason!)

I've also ordered a book from amazon by Lauren somebody about onlies and the positives from it.

Good luck in what you decide but as I said I think you should try and work through it with your partner, the grass isn't always greener!

My view has always be that it is far better to be happy with/grateful for the things we do have, rather than be unhappy about that which we don't/can't have.

In reality there are no guarantees in life, and to end a relationship on the basis of something which at this stage is only a possibility is one of those situations. Ultimately you could end this relationship, it might take you years to find someone else, and then you may never fall pregnant or he could be infertile, or you may never meet someone, and at the point you decide you made a mistake your dp may have moved on to a better happier life without you.

And a child won't be a baby for ever. you could have a baby now and at eighteen they will leave home and then what? that fulfilling relationship with the child you so desperately want isn't a forever thing, children are essentially only with us until they are able to become independent human beings in their own right, and then they move on and leave us behind to hopefully live out the rest of our days in happyness with the one we love.

I would say that if you are prepared to leave this man for all those what-ifs he is in fact not the love of your life. After all would you leave him if he wanted children but couldn't?

My view has always be that it is far better to be happy with/grateful for the things we do have, rather than be unhappy about that which we don't/can't have

You are so lucky to have someone that you get on so well with OP. I separated from my dds father, which is something I don't repent of, but then I never met anyone again that I could even think of having a relationship with. I'm not complaining, because my philosophy has always been like Wannabe's, I had so much going for me I wasn't going to be miserable just because I didn't have any romance in my life.

WannaBe said it all really.

You have a wonderful partner and a child. Some people can only dream of that. Is one child such a bad thing?

You're taking a massive gamble here. Are you sure it's worth it for something that might never happen

Don't leave your partner of he's the love of your life. You have a wonderful child already and that is a real blessing. You could leave him hoping to meet someone and either it could never happens/you meet someone who is OK and you "settle"/ you meet another one who you like who doesn't want kids. Basically, there is no guarantee that leaving will get you want you want whereas now you have the love and support of your partner.

When I was ttc my second child it turned out that xh had some issues (although they were never fully explored tbh so there's no way of knowing iyswim) but my xh felt an incredible amount of guilt over it and as if he couldn't give me the child I wanted. He actually suggested that we should split up so that I could go and have a child with someone who could give me one.

My response at the time was "so you want me to get a divorce, go on the dating scene in the hopes that I might find another man who might want children with me, date for another couple of years until we're ready to have a baby together and then have one? And what if we can't? or he's infertile? or I am by then or or or." It just didn't make sense to me to leave a relationship purely on the basis of what-if.

As it happens we are divorced for other reasons now, but I still wouldn't change the way I'd reacted then. Even if I'd left there would have been no guarantee of finding someone who would have been able to give me a child. And if I'd left my xh then I wouldn't have met my lovely dp....

wannabe is right.

You are very lucky to be with love of life. In fact having a child together may change the dynamic.

We can't always have everything that we want. Use that extra love you have in existing family. And yourself.

Wannabe is so right.

That's it really. You have a lovely life, there are loads of humans in the world already, why is the possibility of maybe having another child at some point in the future more important than your family now?

WannaBe is totally right.

I'm only a month past our giant discussion on wanting / not wanting a second child but have moved on leaps and bounds. I don't know what your partners reasons are? Would you share?

For us my dh loves our current family dynamic and doesn't want it to change, he adores dd and wants to give her the best of everything (not spoilt but wants to show her the world, make sure we can pay for uni, not restrict her), he loves me and is worried about the pressure it'd place on our relationship as we don't get a lot if quality time together, and is also scared of us having to go through difficult times if something didn't go perfectly (numerous close friends have had hard times). I've realised that my only reason for wanting another was mainly bc I wanted a enjoy being a new mum again and actually that wouldn't last long and I don't need it when I have dd and dh to fulfil my life.

Go back to your dp, talk to him, process your real reasons for wanting a child and really consider if it's more important that what you currently have. Do more things for yourself that you couldn't do with 2, but can with 1. I'm a keen runner (planning a marathon now I know we aren't having a 2nd so i have the time to invest), dh and I have taken up french lessons together, and I've decided to get involved with a school.

Keep us updated with how you get on xxx

I really feel for you and your situation, but Imo it's the cliche of live life every day as if it was your last and be grateful for the blessings you have got and not the what if's. My son is nine now and is special needs. I can't have another even if I wanted due to complications that happened at his birth. Thankfully my dh accepts this is the case and thankfully he has never suggested leaving me to find another woman who can give him a child... A "normal" child even? I hope you find a solution to your problem, but please don't throw away what you've actually got for the maybes x

Thank you to everyone who replied to my post. I do agree in principle with virtually everything everybody said, however, this wasn't a spur of the moment decision to end our relationship, it was an agonising, long and painful decision making process. I desperately tried to continue with the relationship and accept that for me that would mean no more children but it just didn't work. My main reason for this was, it wasn't the acceptance of not having another child that I couldn't handle but the fact that it felt like I was being forced into 'choosing' not to have another child - it's very difficult to lie to yourself. I simply couldn't make that choice - the problem is that we made the decision that we could not stay together, but it was so much worse being apart.

So, after more tears and heart to heart conversations we are together again. One of the roots to my partner's decision not to get a reversal (he had a vasectomy after his children were born) was that he was scared of the impact on his two sons (who are 20 and 23). After a long chat with both of them, their response was that although it would be a bit weird to have a brother or sister that may potentially be a similar age to their children, actually they just want their dad to be happy and would love a brother or sister all the same. So we have our first appointment before the vasectomy reversal next week.

We are both now in a very happy place and the cloud that was hanging over us has lifted.

Obviously, we realise that there is only a small chance of even becoming pregnant after the reversal but the point is that now there is a possibility that we 'can' have a child and I am not 'choosing' not to if it doesn't happen. I don't know if people will understand this, but the feeling of it not happening now is completely different to the feeling of being forced into deciding not to have another child. What my partner is doing for me/us is the greatest gift he could ever possibly give me - even if there is no child as a result. In response to WannaBe - no I wouldn't leave a man who 'couldn't' give me a child as that is a completely different feeling to that that comes with accepting that someone 'wouldn't'.

Also, I just want to point out that this was never about a 'baby' itself or the feeling of being a new mum again, it was about having a family, being a mother to another 'person' - big picture, whether they are 18 and have left home or not, they are still your children when they are 60 and I just couldn't imagine being 80 and not feeling the regret of choosing to never have any more children.

Now the future is out of my hands, we can live our lives happily together as a family of three and if we get a welcome surprise along the way then that will be the cherry on the cake, if not, then at least we tried.

...now it seems like you've forced his hand. He wants you but you made him "choose"....

Good luck, OP and hope you both get what you want :)

Thanks for the update and I'm pleased you are back together and working through this. I'm very glad you talked it out properly.

Always remember what your partner has done for you :) he obviously loves you a lot!

And good luck , I hope your dreams come true!

Man you're hanging all of this on a reversal? The husband went through 2 and it didn't work. They ended up splitting because she blamed him for not getting it done sooner... If it's been more than 10 years then it's slim. But I know what you mean with the choice being taken out of your hands.

Pick your surgeon carefully and good luck.