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Has anyone read Lauren Sandler's "one and only" book?

13 replies

sewingmummy · 12/09/2014 11:20

Just wondering if anyone has read Lauren Sandler's book?

I bought it online and I've read about 3 chapters so far.

Just wondered what other people thought of it?

here's a link to her site if you haven't heard of her or the book
laurensandler.com/one-and-only

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Sazorchard31 · 13/09/2014 14:13

No but I think I'll be buying that!

HereComesYourMam · 20/09/2014 08:10

It sounds great - have added it to my Amazon wishlist!

Sazorchard31 · 20/09/2014 09:09

I'm waiting for it to arrive, hurry up amazon!

sewingmummy · 23/09/2014 10:31

I've nearly finished reading this book & it's pretty good...written by an only child who has gone on to have an only child. She basically sets out to write a book that deals with the question 'if you knew that by having one child you wouldn't screw them up, then would many people go on to have a second?'

She also says that it is easier to 'give in' and have another child, than it is to stand up for your decision to have one. She's obviously been on the receiving end of some judgmental comments...which anyone with one child will know all too well.

She also challenges alot of the stereotypes surrounding only children...selfish, lonely, weird. I find these stereotypes particularly annoying because my DD is such a lovely girl, she's good at sharing, she's sociable & her behaviour in a group of kids is often better than the children who have siblings. She says that research show that children with siblings are often more selfish because they have to fight to protect what's theirs. My husband is a middle child of 3 and he still eats his food like someone is going to come along and steal it!!

I do however feel her book is aimed at women who want to have a glittering career. She is an urbanite New Yorker with a successful writing career under her belt. Her main argument seems to hinge on the idea that if you want to have a good job, travel or have any quality of life outside of the home...then have one child. She says 'happy mothers = happy children'. Which is true, if you feel bogged down with parenthood & juggling loads of things, then you're children will feel that unhappiness.

Even after reading this book, it still hasn't made me feel that having one child is right. She talks to lots of psychologists & only children who are now adults & many beg her not to have one child! She then counters those arguments with research & interviews with people who say it is a good thing to have one child. Even she admits it's not nice being an only child when you hit the teenage years, one child against two adults who reprimand you all the time, she called her parents the 'united front' & she felt lonely as a teenager.

She talks about Tina Fey & her struggle to decide whether to have another child. I found this online, it's a pretty long article, but I can relate to some of her thoughts & feelings about having a second. It's worth a read.
www.newyorker.com/magazine/2011/02/14/confessions-of-a-juggler

Tina Fey went one to have another child after years of agonising about it...I think ultimately many women end up doing the same.

OP posts:
Sazorchard31 · 23/09/2014 22:45

This arrived today so I'm looking forward to getting into it.

I'm guessing you only have one sewingmummy?

sewingmummy · 24/09/2014 20:08

Sazorchard31, yes I do have only one child.

It's something I've beaten myself up about for about 3 years, really from the point that second babies started appearing when my DD was 2ish, she's now nearly 5.

I bought the Lauren Sandler book in a bid to try and get some clarity in my mind and to hear a parent of an only child talk about her experiences.

I don't know a single person in 'real life', which only adds to my feeling of doing the 'wrong' thing by having one child.

I'd love to know what you think of the book once you've read it :)

OP posts:
sewingmummy · 24/09/2014 20:10

what I meant was, I don't know a single person in 'real life' with one child, everyone I know has 2, 3, even 4 children. Which only adds to my feeling of doing the 'wrong' thing by having one child.

OP posts:
Sazorchard31 · 25/09/2014 09:21

I need to start it ASAP! I'm so scared that mine and my dh differing feelings is going to come between our marriage. I'm coming round to his thoughts of just one but I'm grieving for what I imagined. I need to see the positives from more people!

I don't know anyone with just one by choice in real life either.

Blueberrymuffint0p · 26/09/2014 07:49

I haven't read her book but I completely agree that it would be easier to cave in to pressure to have a second than stand by your decision to have one. If our reasons for having one weren't so serious I would have caved in a long time ago. It's taken a huge amount of strength to stand firm.

Sazorchard31 · 26/09/2014 08:31

What are your reasons if you don't mind me asking?

Blueberrymuffint0p · 26/09/2014 15:39

Health reasons-both mine and babies although I have to say it was a choice, we did decide to stop at one, we could have had another, it's not a life or death decision more a quality of life.

My ds is almost 6 now and I finally feel I can relax. People have stopped asking ALL THE FUCKING TIME when we're having another, my hormones have simmered down so I haven't got raging broodiness anymore and I can see that my son is turning into a happy, selfless, kind, busy little man who is, hand on heart not suffering because he hasn't got a sibling.

A few years ago I would have imagined him, at this age, being sad and lonely, constantly asking for a sibling and complaining that he had no one to play with. Non of my worries have amounted to anything.

CateBlanket · 26/09/2014 23:59

OP - I genuinely don't understand your angst. And I genuinely don't understand what's so marvellous about having two or more children. You can be lonely with siblings; I certainly felt that way as an introverted child with several outgoing siblings. I craved my mother's attention, my own room, space to bloody well think. That's not to say large families can't be wonderful or there is no benefit to having brothers/sisters; families are as good or bad as the individual members make them.

I have one DD (10) and we are a very happy gang of three. Her friends are welcome in our home but we also relish just spending time together. She competes in a team sport and much of Saturday is spent training or competing and she enjoys the social interaction and camaraderie. No-one has more fun on holiday or better Christmases than our family. That's because we don't think of ourselves as less of a family because there are fewer of us!

I know I'm rambling but I feel sad that you are wasting the precious time you have with your child by "agonising" over her being an only. You can find research which will give you the positives and negatives of any situation but it's up to your family whether the three of you have a happy life or not, never mind what Lauren Sandler says Smile

JufusMum · 01/10/2014 15:16

I'll check that book out as I am an only with a (by choice) only.

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