Does your only treat you like a sibling sometimes?

[BertieBotts]

I am finding this so hard at the moment and feeling like I am the only one. DS is nearly six and ever since he was quite little, he's always reserved his "sibling stuff" for me. By this I mean the kind of annoying, petty, little things that children often do to annoy their siblings - he will come up and throw torn up paper at me or grass seeds if we're outside, when sitting together he shoves his feet in my face, he will lick my arm or grab it and say he's wiping his nose on it, shouts/sings "Mummy stinks, mummy stinks" not when he's annoyed but just as a general taunt/fun thing to do, he'll stick his finger in something gross and touch me with it.

It sounds stupid but it really gets me down. He doesn't do it to DH but DH is not his biological father and has only been really instrumental in his life since he was about three. From 1-3 I was a single parent and before that it was still pretty much me and DS all the time because my ex was not really involved. So maybe it's because we had a closer sort of relationship before this time, I don't know. When he was younger I just assumed it was normal little kid stuff and he would grow out of it but now I see this huge divide between him doing it with me but not DH, and I need to stop it because it's really pissing me off, TBH, and it's harming our relationship because I find it so, so, so irritating that I end up snapping at him and I can't enjoy our time together when he's in one of his silly moods.

I've tried explaining how it makes me feel and he either doesn't care or he forgets. Every time I tell him not to but he just ignores me. I have removed attention/removed him to his room but it doesn't stop it long term. I feel mean for punishing him over it because it seems so petty but I've tried that too (short term removal of privileges) and that doesn't seem to work either.

Aaargh! I think I just need to know if others get this too because I'm feeling so crap about it and like I've somehow failed to set any meaningful boundaries with him at all.

bump

I don't think this is a only child issue, Bertie. You might get more help if you post in Behaviour.

Good luck.

My friends son is exactly like this to his mum and he's one of three so like Martha says, it might not be related to being an only child at all. It's silliness.

I can absolutely understand why you find it upsetting.

Yes, DS does this to me and when years ago, we had to have input from a behavioural psychologist this was even commented upon. They said I had to put more boundaries in place and start acting more like his parent and less like his friend/big sister (but in nicer terms than that). Things have got better now I'm older, I'm 31 now, I was only 19 when I had him. Are you quite young?

The best advice I have is just make sure he sees you as the mum. These days I make sure that I always follow through on any punishments, no empty threats!! He is given plenty of time to just be a kid and knows that I am always there for him. He knows his place in the family basically.

I've got an only, and she definitely didn't do this when she was small. I do know other people's small dc that do, though (and some do it to other unrelated adults, too, which their parents patently find mortifying). Not making excuses, and I know 'nearly 6' feels quite big to you, but really, it is still very young.

My rule of thumb is that every time you start thinking your dc's behavioural issues is due to being an only, stop, take a deep breath, have a cup of tea, and think of all the sibling groups you know - I'll bet any money you can come up with an oldest, youngest and middle that does the same thing. (Always works for me when I get paranoid )

Gah I didn't see these responses before! Hope I'm not too late to reply :)

I was 20 when he was born and I've always struggled to get out of that role of seeing him like my sister, he has always reminded me of her especially when he's doing his silly/wind up thing and I have to really rein in the tendency to lash out. I am much better at boundaries and discipline now than when he was smaller, butI don't always know what to do - e.g. the other day he had nutella on his hands and was cornering me in the kitchen. I said no, stop, I need these clothes to stay clean because I've got work later but he just laughed and wiped his hands on me. I was sort of expecting DH to swoop in and remove him in time but he didn't (although he was sitting right there ) then I said "What am I supposed to do with that?" and he said "You should punish him then."

So I banned him from his phone (my old phone, for the games/camera) for a few days but he didn't really seem to care, went and got it quite happily and gave it to me.

I'm fine at doing boundaries, rules, etc when it makes sense to me but I always feel bad for punishing him just for being annoying. I feel like I could deal with it if it was against somebody else but when I deal with it in relation to me it feels like whatever I do is retaliating and saying "Ha! Well, I'm big, you're little, so there"

Takver you're so right about this age feeling very grown up but it's not at all. I remember in primary school being very taken with my friend's younger sister who was about 6 because she was "cute", if even a 10 year old thinks a 5/6 year old is a baby then maybe I need to start remembering that he is so little. Was talking to some other mums who have their oldest child this age as well (and I don't know anybody in RL who has the sibling behaviour issue! :() and we were all saying the same thing, that they are so independent and self sufficient in some ways that it's easy to forget they are still little children.

DD now 12 likes to bicker with me in a sibling fashion, problem is, we are SO similar that that bickering generally continues until DH comes home and splits us up

My 3yo son treats me like a brother and a best mate and I absolutely love it. I enjoy the fact that we aren't just father and son but really good friends. I don't think I will harm him in anyway. Ask most adults if they would have liked to have been an only child I'm sure a lot would say yes and vice versa for only children.

To me what matters is that he has time to socialise with others his own age, they a need that to develop interpersonal skills. But there's nothing wrong with being the best mate or surrogate sibling.