Firstly, sorry if this is really long. I'm struggling to make decisions about important life issues, and I was hoping someone might have some advice. I don't even know if this is the right forum to post this in, but I couldn't find another one that seemed to suit. If admin want to move the post to another area, feel free.
I'm 35, married with one lovely daughter who has just turned 4. We live in a small, rented 2 bedroom house in a very nice part of our city. We have no family around to help with childcare so DD has been in nursery while we work, which has been costing a fortune, obviously. My family lives abroad, and although my husband's family lives locally his father is elderly and unwell, so not able to help, and his brother works full time so can't help out either. When DD was first born, my husband and I said that when she started school, we would save the money we've been spending on nursery fees so that we can build up a deposit to buy our own home, because we haven't been able to save anything to date as the cost of rent, bills, childcare and running a car etc. mean we have very little left each month despite both being on a decent wage.
The problem is that for the last six months or so, I've been feeling increasingly desperate for a second child. I didn't think I cared before, but I think that's because I knew we couldn't afford to have two in nursery at the same time. Now that DD is starting school, having another has suddenly become a financial possibility. I'm from a big family, one of four, plus several step-siblings. My mum is one of five and my father one of three, and I have over 15 cousins. As we live in different countries, I only see them once or twice a year, but we keep in touch via Skype etc. and are all pretty close. Christmases have always been busy, happy occasions with lots of people around. The thought of my daughter being an only child feels really alien to me. I've lost a number of relatives to cancer over the last few years and seeing the way my family members have all come together to support each other makes me worry about my DD being all alone when she's an adult without siblings, when me and my OH die. But obviously, I also want another for my own sake, because I love being a mum and I want to do it all over again. But I find myself wondering if it would be selfish to have another, and unfair on my DD due to all the financial and practical consequences of having another.
If we had another baby, we wouldn't be able to save for a deposit, and would be stuck with renting for the foreseeable future (possibly forever, as by the time the second child started school and we saved up a deposit, I'd be in my 40s and I've heard that mortgage companies are reluctant to lend once you reach that age as they think you won't pay it off by retirement). As I said, the house we're in now has only two bedrooms, so although we would keep the baby in with us to start with, the two children would eventually have to share a room. DD who would by then be 5 or maybe even 6 years old and I wonder if that's too big an age gap to be sharing a room. And what if the second child was a boy? Then they couldn't really share for long... Obviously, we could move to a larger rented property, but we pay comparatively low rent for the area we're in now as we've been in the same house for 6 years without a rent increase - we've got a pretty decent landlord - and to move would mean paying upwards of another £200 a month if we want to stay in the same area. We wouldn't want to move to a different area, as we like it here, and obviously DD is starting school now. And if we moved, there's always the risk that we'd get a horrible landlord, or that the new landlord would want to sell, forcing us to move again. Been there, done that, but before I had a child! And we can't really save up to buy a house first and then have a baby, because it will take us years to save and by the time we've got the deposit together, I'll probably be too old to have another baby. So I basically feel like I'm having to choose - another baby and renting forever (?), or save up to buy a house but having only one child.
I'm also thinking about my job. I currently work in a very stressful role and I really want to get out of my line of work. Stress and worrying about work has been interfering with my ability to sleep and causing problems with heart palpitations and I think that for the sake of my health I really need to find something else. While DD has been in nursery, I've felt trapped in my job because it pays quite well (although not enough for the stress levels involved) and there isn't much else out there, but I was thinking that now she's starting school we don't need to find so much money for nursery fees anymore, and I could try to find something less stressful even if it's poorer pay. But obviously if we have another baby, we'd be paying for nursery all over again. If I found a new job first, I'd have to be in that job probably a year to qualify for contractual maternity pay, and I worry that I'm getting older and if I waited that long I might not be able to get pregnant. So I feel like I have to choose between having another baby and staying in a job that is making me ill, or finding another job but never having a second child.
My husband is no help in making a decision. He says he wants to do whatever will make me happy, and if that's having another baby, then he's happy to do that. But if I decide I don't want another baby, he's happy just having our DD. So he's basically leaving this massive decision completely up to me.
It doesn't help that DD is asking me on a daily basis if she can have a baby brother or sister. She's even telling people we're having a baby, and I'm having to tell them no, we're not, she's making it up, hahaha, very funny.
It also doesn't help that I'm surrounded by pregnant people. Several of my workmates are having their second, and my sister is also pregnant. I'm very happy for her as they've been having IVF for 8 years, and that's ANOTHER reason I'm thinking maybe it would be wrong to have another - if I got pregnant now, would she feel I'm taking the attention away from her?
I ask my friends for advice, and they fall into two camps - they either have (or are having) two or more children themselves, and tell me "go for it, there's never a right time to have baby, the practical stuff will work itself out" - but they all live in their own homes, none of them have the uncertainty of renting to contend with. Most of them also have family who look after their kids for free at least part of the time, so don't have to find a fortune in childcare fees. On the other side, some of my friends have only one child, and tell me "I can't understand why anyone would want to have another, it will be loads of hassle and so expensive!". I don't know anyone who is/has been in a similar situation to me who can give me advice and help me figure out what to do.
I try to tell myself I should be happy with what I've got, and that having another child would be a bad idea. But everytime I get my period, I feel disappointed - even though we're not even trying at the moment. And I find myself wishing I would get pregnant by accident, so that the decision about what to do is taken away from me. Unlikely to happen as I have an IUD!
Thinking about this is keeping me awake at night, and I find myself increasingly distracted during the daytime too. I'm feeling down a lot of the time because I just don't know what to do for the best and feel that whatever I choose, it's going to be the wrong decision. What if we don't have another baby, and then I regret that decision for the rest of my life? But what if we DO have another child, and it means that EVERYONE is miserable for years because of living in crowded conditions or having to move frequently, or whatever?
I don't know if anyone is able to help me make things clearer. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and what did you do? Did anyone choose to have a second child despite the worries, and how did things work out for you? Or did you choose not to have another, and how do you feel about it now?
Sorry again this is so long!