Should we have another baby? Aged 39

[hostelgirl74]

I think I want one but there are loads of pros and cons each way. Have DS1 aged 20 months. Felt awfull the entire pregnancy,was an awfull birth (had to put a formal complaint in to the hospital) and then for months he had bad eczema (had to sleep with my arms across him to stop him scratching for months!) and reflux and was generally difficult. The first 8 months were stressful and then we got badly flooded and had to move for months while the house got sorted. I was so convinced at that point i didn't want another one that i got my OH to have the snip. Now DS is 20 months and I would really like another one. However we live in a small house and it would be hard for us to move, I don't get on with my brother and i worry how he may get on with a sibling. DS and i have a strong lovely relationship and I wonder if i had another one would it take away from that.
Lots of other mums i know are starting to think about another but they are younger than me and i am a bit concerned re the risks.
OH will have the reversal done if i want to (we would have to take out credit for the op), he leans slightly towards not having another but admits things have got alot easier to deal with as DS has got older and he loves him loads and is a great dad.
Then theres the little things that bother me like transporting 2 of them -we have no transport and live at the top of a hill. Or what if i get another one who is a bad sleeper - how could i deal with that - DS one still wakes about 3 times a night now.
I am getting older and realise time is not a luxury i have.

ps: i have a friend who thinks it is selfish as she thinks that i would probably die when the child is in their 30's and she thinks its too young to lose a parent.
I have no family close by (which made it tough 1st time as well)

My Dad died at 45, when I was 18. So that's no argument.

Not at all helpful, I know.

your second pregnancy/newborn might be quite different from the first. I think you should consider whether it will put too much financial pressure on you as a family, however, I would probably do it myself if I badly wanted another child and was 39 (in fact I did, I had my third aged 39 even though it would have been much easier to stick with the two I already had). DC3 is hard wrk, but worth it!

What a horrible thing for your friend to say!!

I also don't get that argument of older parents dying when children are young or youngish adults. As tip said young parents can die to.

Only you can decide whether to have another one or not. But if it were me I'd want my child to have a sibling.

:)

Your friend is being unfair. I lost my mum at 34 and she was 53. None of us know how long we are here for. If you want one go for it. Good luck

my dad was 42 when i was born and died 46 years later.
please make up your mind without listening to your "friend" about it being unfair to be an older parent.

There's no guarantee of a vasectomy reversal being successful I'm afraid - well worth checking out the odds of success before you shell out for the op.

Having said that, 39 isn't too late in principle at all - fertility issues aside, there's no reason you won't be a great parent (my mum has always been fab and was 42 when I was born). A new baby is a lot to take on though. I'm 38 with a 2 year old, and expecting twins any day ...

I've just had my 2nd at 41, after a lot of soul-searching. But I always wanted 2 & went through a lot to get there. One of my reasons was that I didn't want DS to be an only child.

Just a couple of thoughts, based on experience of having children later in life: getting pregnant may be your biggest issue - from what I can gather, vasectomy reversals can often be unsuccessful? (Please correct me if I'm wrong).Is your DH prepared to undergo this? Plus the miscarriage rates at this age are pretty high (I had 2 between DS & DD, hence large age gap). The risk of chromosomal abnormalities is pretty small (about 1%) even at 40.

I agree with others that every pregnancy & baby is different. My DS was extremely high maintenance, with reflux etc. DD is a piece of cake by comparison. You might have an easy time in the future, if that's what you decide.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Ok, I'm going to say this from my own perspective and I understand all your reasons on both sides of the argument.

But I'm only just 40 and I had a baby in January. I already have two older children, (9 and 5 when he was born) and I didn't feel as though I had 'finished' - now I do.

But it has been at some considerable cost. Not financially - that isn't a massive issue. But in terms of the children...I had an awful, awful pregnancy - my first two were pretty bad too but this was worse in a lot of ways. My body didn't seem so able to cope. I spent the first roughly 5 months in bed, taking anti sickness meds, and so tired I could barely open my eyes. And the second half in constat pain and barely able to move or walk from SPD. It was really, really bad.

I was on my own though - from about 2 months pg - which obviously makes a difference as your ds will have your DH if you are unlucky enough to be poorly again. Mine had no one, really, and got very self sufficient and I feel like I was stolen from them for 9 months.

It really affected them.

Since having him things have improved enormously and I am fit(ter) again and coping, just about, and I don't get phased by babies so that's all good...but there has been an impact on the others.

I think it is not so much about your age but about the safety net you have in place for all of you, if it does not go so well, and as you say, how it might affect your relationship with ds.

I really hope you reach a decision you are all happy with. It is so hard xxxx

Hostelgirl, I'm the same age as you and have 1 DD aged 7. I always wanted a sibling for her as I have a close relationship with my DSis, but it wasn't meant to be. I've had two MC and DH and I decided to stick with only our lovely DD. However it took me longer to come to terms with the fact that another baby would not be forthcoming - we conceived so easily with our DD that I did not consider problems having a second DC. I have come to terms with it now; life is much easier, I have a great job, we are financially 'safe' and DD is a happy, delightful and confident little girl! I don't think I could now cope with pregnancy/childbirth, but if you and your DP are in joint agreement (my DH was also less enthusiastic!) I say go for it! Oh and as for the hill - your DC will be fantastic walkers Good luck!