I want another child, he doesn't: need advice

[Warmwoolenmittens]

(I've name changed for this but am a regular poster)...

I realise there are many threads like this but given that every situation is different, I'd really appreciate your advice.

DH is nearing 50, I'm 39. We've been together many years & have one DS aged 4 who was the lucky & wonderful result of fertility treatment. We have the option of proceeding with frozen embryo transfer as we had a good number of excellent quality embryos saved from our one IVF attempt: still, there's no guarantee of course. We've been paying for their storage since DS's birth with the hope that we'd sometime come to use them; it's more something I've wanted, DH I feel has just gone along.

Even though DH never really wanted children & there was a lot of difficulty for us having even the one we had, he has become a wonderful, devoted father which is something that I value.

In the meantime, I've progressed with my career which I love & I now have a steady job. My DH however has long-term difficulties with work & a depressive streak (although as I said he's a wonderful, extremely hands on father: it's the area of his life that has turned out best for him, as he admits too). He feels though that having another child would destabilize him even more & would harm his (very difficult as it is) work prospects. He is generally a man who fears change while I'm more optimistic. He sees his work difficulties as inevitable; I see them largely as of his making, and the result of his choices & personality.

I feel that time is not on our side. I long for another child, can't give up on the idea of doing it all again, & feel that now that our son is starting school & I'm working in a job with very good prospects, I'm in a much better place to go through the difficult first years of motherhood again. I know DH doesn't really want another child & he constantly worries about money & about everything really. I don't see how I can give up the possibility of another child, not for this reason (his emotional / financial difficulties). I am pretty sure it would lead to long-term resentment on my part.

Any thoughts? I would love also some practical advice in terms of the real (not rose-tinted) effect of a 2nd child in terms of work...

I think you've got to both want it in the first place.

My dh is 47 and i'm 39 and we have a 4 year old ds. We both decided we'd like another and tried for nearly a year without success. We've just stopped trying now as we weren't really passionate about the idea anyway and were doing it more for my ds to have a sibling rather than ourselves.

If you are passionate about it you need to work on your dh.

Sorry that's not much practical advice!

Fertility treatment is tough enough as it is. To get through it (and I speak from experience) both partners have to be on the same 'page'. It's pretty clear from your post that you and your partner aren't and - although this may not be what you intend - you sound rather dismissive of his concerns. I think you really need to address all of that first.

Is your partner having any sort of counselling or support for his depression and work difficulties? Would some sort of couples counselling about your differing views of having more treatment/another child be helpful to you?

This is one of those unsolvable problems. I think the only way through it is to talk about it as much as possible, to try and work out why you both feel how you do. If your DH really isn't persuadable you then need to decide if you want to stay in your relationship. There are pitfalls whichever way you go. You could have another, then find your DH really can't cope well, or you don't have another, and you potentially end up resenting it, or you could leave, and hope to meet someone else to have children with, and obviously there are no guarantees that will happen. Sorry, that all sounds really depressing.

I was in a similar position, in that DH didn't want another, and I did. He did agree to have another, and we tried for about 20 months, but it didn't happen. We discussed fertility treatment, but as more time passed DH felt less and less willing to go back to the baby stage. I have struggled at times to accept the situation, but I am now starting to feel that actually things may have worked out for the best. I am enjoying the extra money and time we have with only one child, and I do wonder if I would find parenting two as easy as I find it with one. DS is a happy child, and definitely does not seem to be suffering through not having a sibling! Sorry, I am not sure if that is any help, I hope you do manage to find a solution that works for you both!

My honest answer to this - be grateful for the miracle child you have - and for such a good father to him - and don't fall into the trap of fixating on another child.

I say this as the extremely fortunate 44 year old mother of DD who is 7 months old and was naturally conceived after three miscarriages.

Were we younger we would not hesitate to have another - but we aren't, and we have so much positive to fixate on that I have decided not to focus on what might have been.

I would try a combination of gratitude for the child you have with a little paradoxical intent. If you set yourself against him in a 'I want it, you don't' kind of way, there is a danger of solidifying that position for both of you.