Lonely only

[Isabel123]

My dd is a lonely only.She is right now watching tv when she should be out in the glorious sunshine playing with other children but there are no other children around for her to play with as we live on a busy road.
I have tried inviting school friends back after school but she never gets a return invite.I feel sad about the situation but don't know how to change things.
Anyone else have a lonely only and how do you cope?
What's worse is that she can hear other kids playing in surrounding gardens having lots of fun, whilst she is stuck at home with boring mum for company.I am so looking forward to the day when she is old enough to go out on her own and find her own fun.

I have an only also, and have learned that you just keep inviting children over. Don't worry about return invites - mums of more than one often don't invite back very much as
a. they have 'built in' playmates for their dc so don't need to import other children
b. Inviting a friend over means the sibling is 'odd man out' - not a good situation
c. inviting a friend over means the Mum must make some effort to balance playdates between all children in the family, so things are 'fair' at home - often too much effort, too much work

So, keep inviting. As the parent of an only, you must be more pro-active socially.

We have a few after school activities - like swimming and gymnastics which get her mixing with others. Then usually arrange to meet someone in the park after school one day a week in the summer.

You're not so reliant on the whole playdate thing then.

I have only.I make sure I drive him out on a nice day to park or beach,as I live near the coast.He also has after school activities in the school.He goes to martial arts class.So he is enjoying the time.

Does your dd say she is lonely? Or is she in fact content with her own company?

No she does not say she is lonely but often states that she is bored.She loves being with other children and has difficulty amusing herself,this is why she watches lots of television when she is alone.
Also she refuses to join any after school clubs.She can be quite shy but she loves being with children who she knows quite well.I wish she would be brave and join a drama club or something.I think she gets her shyness from me because I am quite A reserved person.
I would love it if she could enjoy trips out with me but I know she would rather be with her friends from school because she keeps moaning about being bored if I take her out and about.She does love clothes shopping though!

Totally agree with Early. Also can be helpful if you offer to drop the other child back home after playdate so other mum isn't piling a toddler into a car at say 6.30 to come to yours.

I would push the after school activities too. This is often another reason for lack of return invites - people just too busy ferrying kids to clubs. DS wanted one friend to visit and in their schedule only Sunday afternoons work ! What about something like Rainbows if she hasn't found a favourite pastime?

I agree with the above, don't worry about the return invites - the other parents are just too busy sorting their own kids out.

I used to do the following: lots of invites, sleep overs, always take a friend with you when you have family days out, or go shopping. (My DD and a friend once had the best time ever when we went to a carpet warehouse - crazy, I know).

Be very generous with car lifts - offer to pick up/take back. I even used to take a bunch of kids to a local gym club - just so she would have friends at an after school club. She didn't like going on her own. You could even offer, if you know a friend of hers would like to do it, but the mothers too busy.

take her to the local park, take balls, bikes, games - if there's other children there, there may be an opportunity to join in.

If you don't live too far from school, get a large paddling pool, even invite the mums back for a glass of wine. Failing that, perhaps take a picnic to school pick up and go to the nearest patch of grass, maybe suggest to other mothers to join in. that way she gets to play with mates for a short time after school, and you can get to know more mums.

I think only children can tend to 'play it safe' and not willingly put themselves in unfamiliar/uncomfortable situations because they simply don't have to learn much about how to be flexible/join in when their personal world can/often does revolve around them.

When my dd was reluctant to try things (from new food to new experiences), I would often tell her she needed to just give it a go. She would often (usually) be glad she did.

Maybe sit with your dd and look at a list of after school clubs/other activities. Tell her a blanket 'no to all' is not an option. Help her choose one or two things that she will try out. Many times a shared interest/activity/routine is key to building friendships.

My point is - many only children will opt, imo, to 'play it safe' which is why you will probably have to push her a bit, and she will probably object.

Obviously don't make her do something that terrifies her, but trying something new can be a bit uncomfortable, until it becomes familiar.

I'm an only, and I know how she might be feeling. I got bored, but never lonely. There's a big difference. I remember long summers without my friends around as they were on holiday. My mum was amazing, planning activities for everyday with me, from baking to catching tadpoles, writing stories etc. My mum is not the most outgoing person, but she made a huge effort to make friends with other mums so I could have friends over regularly, and she had friends to have coffee and lunch with. She also organised picnics and days out with mums and kids too. Looking back it must have been so hard for her to fit in - she was 37 when she had me, practically unheard of 34 years ago - most mums were much younger. But she did it and I am forever grateful. I'm not shy, clingy or your 'stereotypical' only. My parents knew they could only have one child ( and that took 14 yrs) and I think they were aware that I could become lonely or spoilt, so did everything they could to counteract that, no matter how difficult they found it. Hope that helps!

Someone has already asked, but it would help to know how old she is.

I've got an only, and she was rather stuck with me for the first few years but as she's got older she's got to know some girls locally - not schoolmates.

You said in your OP that 'she can hear other kids playing in surrounding gardens having lots of fun' - is there any way you can invite some of them round to play? - may be easier to get reciprocal arrangements with nearby kids. I found that in the summer having a large paddling pool was a huge attraction!

She is nine,so near the age when she can go out on her own to the park.I often offer to take her to the local park to see if there is anyone there she could play with but she refuses.I even suggested she go on her own the other day when she was moping about and I was at the end of my tether with it all but she really did not want to!
I would like to ask neighbouring children over but I am scared the parents will say no and then I will forever feel embarrassed whenever I see them in the street.As I am quite shy I am worried that I may come across as odd.
Would you let your child go to a strangers house who lived in your street?I may try asking in the summer holidays though out of desperation but I know my dd will probably be against the idea.
Thanks for your helpful suggestions.I think we are a difficult case because both me and my partner are both introverted types and don't really interact with others very well.

I wonder if you're projecting loneliness on her? It's just a thought... But if she's nine and hasn't said she's lonely, but has said that she?s bored, maybe she?s genuinely is bored? I think at nine she?s old enough to know the difference. Activities and clubs, would all help her mix with others, and they?d help with being bored which going to the park won?t necessarily help with ? some kids just stand around being bored at the park too. Does she have a hobby besides TV you could encourage her with when she?s at home ? reading, making stuff, practising a skill?

I agree with becstarsky.

Don't fall into the trap of assuming that she's lonely because she's an only child. If she's bored, help her find ways of keeping herself entertained - every child needs to know how to keep busy and interested even when there aren't any other children around.

You sound as if you're not socially confident. Perhaps you could try to approach other parents without worrying about rebuffed. That might help your daughter be a little bolder in making friends. You could give each other mutual support in reaching out to others.

Would you let your child go to a strangers house who lived in your street?

maybe you need to first turn some of these 'strangers' into 'neighbours'?

Most people are nice, and like having other children for their own to play with.

Grimma's right. I understand that you and your dp are not outgoing people, but there's a separate issue here about confidence and how you see the world. I know it's not easy, but try to rid yourself of your social anxieties and then life may be easier for both you and your daughter.

Why not see what is going on in your neighbourhood this Jubilee weekend? There seem to be events for kids all over.

We feel the same here... btw urbanexplorer.com has a weekly newsletter loaded with good ideas of things to do with kids.

My ds was an only until Jan this year, he's 6 BTW. Without the neighbours children, he would be permanently glued to the tv, finds it hard to occupy himself. He's been playing in the street since he was 4. I never spoke to the neighbours before he started playing with them, now we're all great friends. The children he plays with range in age from 3-13, boys and girls, he goes in their houses, and them in ours. Kids are naturally good ice breakers. Even shy ones. Be brave, go for it.