Am I being selfish...?

[HappyNewYear2012]

...This debate must go round and round in my head several times every day and I can't seem to find an answer to it, so I would appreciate your valuable opinions, mums out there please.....

In a nutshell, I'm 40, and had my first and beautiful little boy in March this year. I had a difficult pregnancy - gestational diabetes, induced labour, Postpartum haemorrage resulting in severe anaemia, I'm just getting over now. Frankly, I found it a difficult experience, exhausting pretty much from day one of the pregnancy and worried myself stupid every day of the pregnancy as everyone told me my age was a big risk factor. (Fortunately my little boy turned out ok though in the end!)

I'm an only child myself and not to put too fine a point on it, hated it. It wasn't that I was particularly lonely as a child but as I've got older I've found the responsibility of looking after my mum and coping with her death on my own as she had cancer for 5 years, hard. Also looking after my elderly and grief-stricken dad, when I wasn't in a steady relationship for support, as I am now, very difficult emotionally. That's when I'd have liked a sibling the most I think...someone to share the experiences with.

To be honest, after the pregnancy I had though, probably anyone in their right mind would quit whilst they were ahead and just be grateful for my baby I never thought I would be lucky enough to have, as I didn't meet "Mr Right" until my late 30's...but there is my dilmena...

...My mother-in-law and partner both feel very strongly I should give my little boy a sibling. I can't disagree having been an only child myself but just don't know if I could ever reconcile my conscience in the future if I didn't give him a sibling, BUT (a) given the choice I really don't want to put myself through what I went through with the last pregnancy and (b) and more importantly, I'm worried that if I do, my little boy may suffer, as if I'm not very well like last time around I may not be able to give him the attention every child deserves as I'll be concentrating so much on getting through the next pregnancy, even though my partner is a super (and utterly adoring) dad and has been fully involved in bringing our newborn up so far and helping me after the birth when I wasn't well.

Am I being selfish, by essentially putting my own needs before my little boy's in giving him a friend for life?

Please ladies, I would so appreciate your different viewpoints as I need to make up my mind now due to my age and contraceptive decisions.

Thank you x

Congratulations on your baby. I would advise that it really is too soon to worry about a sibling, can you tell your MIL and partner to back off for a year or 2??

You would not be selfish to stick with one child. You had a difficult pregnancy and birth, so I completely understand your reasons (but again, it's so soon to contemplate!).

There are no guarantees that a sibling would be a "friend for life". My sister lives the other side of the world and we see each other once or twice a year.

"Providing a sibling" is, in my opinion around the 501st most important thing to do as a parent. There are at least 500 other things that are much more important and will give your little one a happy and secure childhood.

I agree entirely with UnexpectedItem.

Have you had any medical advice about how likely you are to suffer gestational diabetes or a haemorrhage again? I think you need to separate the more abstract thoughts "it would be nice for ds to have a sibling" from what the realities could be. And don't over-romanticise what sibling relationships are like - I know plenty of people with siblings who nevertheless did all the caring for elderly parents on their own.

Congratulations on DS's arrival

If you are truly concerned about this, and do want a sibling for your DS having been an only child yourself, speak to your GP, make sure it is safe that you don't leave DC1 left with no mummy while trying to give him DC2.

(Don't mean to upset or offend but ive always been taught "Honesty is the best policy) but i totally agree with UnexpectedItem and ComeInto

Maybe let your body recover from this pregnancy before even considering another one

Congratulations on your son's arival. I'm an only child and longed for a brother or sister. I said I wouldn't have an only one if I could help it. But sometimes circumstances make things beyond our control. I did have two. Girl and boy four years between and they've never got on that well. But I agree with all the advice re your health must come first.

The things you had to cope with are just hard, full stop. Having a support network is what makes them easier - a sibling may or may not be part of that network - they may be no help whatsoever and may indeed add to your stress levels. A supportive partner, friends and counselling can all help with this stuff, a sibling is not the magic answer to it.

I have a 12 year old only child - our family is very happy with how it is. My dd has never wanted a sibling and imo it would be plain weird for me to have one in the hope that it would help her cope with my decline and death.