Should I or shouldn't? Will I live to regret my decisions

[messalina]

I used to think of myself as an extremely decisive person. Then I starting vascillating (sometimes several times a day) on the question of whether to have another DC or not. DD is currently 3.6. She would probably be perfectly happy on her own as she has lots of friends and loves spending time with her parents. She also has lovely cousins. The pros of having another would be a sibling for her, less pressure on her to do well academically, and 'insurance' against the hideous things that life sometimes throws at us e.g. death of a parent or both parents. I think it would be awful if she were alone in the world, and hard for her to deal with grieving parent if one of us died. Also selfishly worry about how we will spend Christmas when we are old if she has to visit her in-laws! But in reality as she will be 5 or 6 (or even 7) by the time a sibling came along (because I am obsessed with building up at least 30-40k in savings before then) the benefits wouldn't necessarily be obvious until they were both grown up. It would be a bit more like two only children.

The cons of having another - we could afford two and pay school fees (this is non-negotiable for various reasons), but a) we would have to really cut down on holidays, meals out, trips out, luxuries and b) I would probably worry a lot about money. And I also have very busy job, as does DH. And we would have to save less. Currently save 1070 a month. Might be able to manage 400-500 if we had another (and cut back on other things). I would be quite unhappy with idea of not saving. I find the thought of pensions and old age slightly terrifying.

So, to cut a long thread short, am I insane for agonising over this decision or do others do the same? And what do you think I am more likely to regret long term? Bear in mind I am not especially maternal and tend to be ruled by heart not head. And finally, is there genuine benefit to sibling when age gap is 5 years minimum.

Aaaagh...maybe I should just get very drunk and forget contraception. I think I would be happy (maybe even ecstatic) if we had another. But I would also worry a lot. If we stick to 1, I might be really relaxed about money (and embrace the fun we could have) but would probably still be asking this question for the next 7 years...

Help!

I was having a right dither about a second DC a few weeks ago but I've now decided that our DD is enough. We'd have to seriously compromise our lives if we had two. Nothing to do with the money (we're skint and DD makes do very well with charity shop toys and clothes) but our jobs rely on us being flexible and having 2 kids makes travel that bit more complicated when doing last minute train dashes across the country.

I also thought about the parental death thing but your daughter will most likely have a partner or at least some damn fine friends by then.

Hard to advise really. I think there are always pros and cons and it depends on your hormone levels as to which ones you ignore!

From the meanings that I can interperet from your message, it seems to me that you are indeed overthinking things. I infer that you would like to have another child, but you are talking yourself out of it through practical/financial reasons. This contradicts your statement that you "tend to be ruled by heart not head."

Your priorities are different to mine: DH and I do not own our house (we rent); we have no savings. In fact, the less said about our finances, the better! I am taking a career break (from a very well-paid job) to raise our two young daughters. Of course, I'd love to have more money and be able to throw it around like we used to - and have the security of knowing we had savings in the bank. But this means less to me than my daughters. I figure we'll get straight once they're at school and I can return to part-time work at least.

Of course, my priorities are not 'better than' yours, or the 'right' ones. But I do think you need to listen to your heart more because you are at the risk of making a huge mistake if you don't consider having another child soon - because you may well talk yourself out of something that you really want. You don't really use language like "ecstatic" in the context that you did without really wanting that thing. You're saying that you want to get drunk and have a happy accident. Why not just take control and admit that you eat another child?

Forget that stuff about providing 'insurance' for your DD: Janoschi is right in that your DD will grow up and make her own life/friends. This isn't really about your DD anyway. This is a practical reason to get pg again that you are using to legitamise your desire.

I might be completely wrong and have misread your message. However, if there is any semblance of clarity in what I'm writing, then I urge you to go with what you feel as opposed to what you think.

Jesus, not 'eat' another child. 'Want' another child.

whatever you do, do not eat the child!! Loved the typo, lunar!

OP, I think it sounds like you'd regret not having another child, plus you think a lot every day about having another... All of the reasons you have given have their pros and cons, and your daughter would be absolutely fine either way, with or without a sibling. What does your DP want?

We stuck to one for a long time until we got to point of not being able to stop thinking about having another one. Our ds1 was 5 and a half when ds2 was born and the age gap has been no problem whatsoever. They are the best of friends, play very funnily together, and love each other to bits. Their relationship and the fun of having more than one child running around, being funny, noisy, and having a whale, has actually motivated us to go for another one, so I'm currently 211 weeks pregnant!

Or even 21 weeks pregnant! Imagine being 211 weeks pregnant... ouch!

I always wanted/wants to have another child.MY DH is not keen,as he is only child.I will really appreciate a sibling.But things never seem to work.I am waiting for the clock to turn.

good grief, you are overthinking this FAR too much

Im 40, dd is 5. All the mums at school seem to be pregnant or just having their second babies and dd has already asked for one. We said we would stay at one, Im old, am guaranteed gestational diabetes at an early stage, our jobs fit round childcare, we are not loaded. As an aside Im not particularly keen on babies either (dh did most of the baby stuff). However something tells me we should have another one, perhaps its my clock ticking, but I know deep down I will never do that again and it doesnt make me feel sad. Am toying with being sterilised as well which may be adding to it.

I haven't even had one yet but your thought process are EXACTLY what me and DH debate AAALL the time. We overthink more than anyone we know, sometimes it serves us well, sometimes we just need to take the leap of faith. Normally I find though our overthinking is just us making our decisions in the way that works for us - slowly and thoroughly.

I love that there's someone else who has all the same thoughts about it. I think my decision is determined more by finances than yours - we would only be able to afford one lot of school fees, and like you, that's a non-negotiable for us.

If I was in your position financially in terms of school fees I would quite likely choose to have two, but only you know how much you would have to cut down on the things you mention and how that would make you feel. I know some people think this sounds meterialistic, shallow etc but I think 3 of us being able to afford interesting travel and hobbies etc is infinitely preferable to 4 of us scraping by. Old age care, pensions etc are also incredibly important...

I think that if you have a strong natural desire for a 2nd then go for it! We know 100% we'll never want another which is a strong natural instinct that makes us happy & your natural instinct is just as strong so I do t think you'll be truly happy unless you go for it.

Just ask yourself 'do we want another child?' Forget all the pros and cons, just yes or no. Can you imagine how you would feel in the future - once it's too late to have another child - thinking that you gave up on another DC for some meals out and a better holiday? I think you probably already know if you want another child, but are trying to be practical. Very commendable, but I don't think practicality will help you. You really have to go with your heart on this one, this is your family, not a business plan. And do what we do - caravan!! I always said I never would, but our smart before-the-kids hols have been sacrificed for 2 gorgeous DC. And it was a pretty bloody smart caravan x