only child - shyness

[bebeduck]

Has anyone had experience of only child being:

• an absolute mute socially: no words at pre-school not even to the teachers/not interacting with the other children. On playdates with another child, also saying nothing at all, except on the odd occasion to the child's parent.
• chatterbox at home with parents/relatives/nanny
• painfully shy when we take her to playgroups/music and dance classes refusing to take part/move around for weeks on end
• on playdates with other children (usually no more than 2 children at a time): will concentrate on stuff for ages while the other kids are off doing sth else, will let everyone snatch things off her, will generally ignore the other children after a while and get on with their own stuff.

This is pretty much the scenario with our dd and pre-school has told us since Sept she has only spoken once to one of the teaching assistants - when she was left with her on her own once. Other than that they have tried but she says nothing at all. Playdates are painful as most other children of her age seem to be more boisterous and confident and she will just stare and play by herself, not reply if the other children talk to her and try to engage with her.

Are we doing sth wrong? Any ideas? Similar behaviour? How did you deal with it?

Not that because he was surrounded by children from 9 months but instead complete and utter refusal to go anywhere or try anything unless we were there and doing it with him. So we did. Everyone told us we should go away as he would be all right but either he wasn't and cried or he refused ever to go again. So we stayed and slowly his confidence grew. But it took ages in fact years. And I can think of another boy who is silent as your child is but gets his younger sister to talk for him.

Does that help? Not sure.

Nothing to do with being an only child I'm afraid - can't stop mine talking to anyone and everyone.

I was just going to say the same as mistlethrush. That said, DN, who is one of 2, was very shy, he gradually got over it with time, and now at school, is still fairly quiet, but a happy confident child.

I saw a thread about a similar thing very recently. I think it had something like 'selective mutism' in the title if you do a search. It sounds like a tough situation
My DS was shy and i know it can be very upsetting to think they're not getting the enjoyment from situations than other children do. But he would speak to people and play with others once he knew them, so not as extreme as your situation. He has gradually built in confidence with support and encouragement. Now 9, most people wouldn't really realise he's a bit shy but it's still in there iyswim. He is an only, btw, but I'm not sure that's the reason he was shy. However if he'd had a sibling it would have made it easier to go into new situations, so I think it is relevant.

Not sure if it is because she is an only, since I have a child like that in my class, who is only just starting to answer the odd question now in year 4, having not spoken AT ALL in school since Reception ... and she is the youngest of four siblings! (All, incidentally, very able and confident.)

No, it's not an only child thing - my only has always been very coinfident and very verbal (sometimes excessively so). It does sound rather like selective mutism - can your GP offer advice?

My daughter is very shy indeed, she rarely speaks at school, she is very chatty at home ( although definitely an introvert by nature). She is shy and hates being the centre if attention. I tend to think it is part of her character, and she is definitely becoming more confident as she gets older - but I can only support, not really influence!

My dd is 'shy' (I really try to avoid this label though) and wouldn't take part in music groups, join in at toddler groups etc. She still really struggles to mix with her peers, now she's in Reception. She's an only. However - I was the same, and I'm not an only, so I think, in our situation anyway, that it's more genetic than situational. Having said that, I do think she would have benefited socially from having an older sibling.

ds is an only and was pretty shy when younger, it still takes him a while to warm up when he sees his cousins etc now. I've put that mainly down to the fact DH and I were/are quite shy despite both having siblings - in my case lots of them. Ds still prefers to play a little cautiously on the edge of things at school (he's in Y2 now) rather than throwing himself in enthusiastically, but this is equally true of some of his friends, who aren't only children.

Dd is an only and finds it hard to shut up in any situation. I don't think that's the reason for your situation. Hope you find an answer.

I don't think it's to do with being an only. If you go to this page from Talking Point and scroll to the bottom, there is a link to a factsheet about selective mutism. Does what you are seeing sound like this? Of course I don't know your dd, so this may not be what's going on, but it sounds like this could be an issue.

If I were you, and if the teachers aren't coming up with suitable strategies, I would go to the GP, and ask for a referral to the speech and language therapists (or you can self-refer - ring up your local Children's Centre, see if they have a drop-in clinic or something similar). Some SLT services now don't deal with this kind of issue - they should be able to give you some advice, but tbh if you don't get any joy I would think about a private SLT assessment.

My dd was a very shy child ( i worried so much about her)Is now a young adult and i am always getting compliments on how friendly she is. She has lots of friends, is involved in many things and is very outgoing tho not precocious. Amazing transformation. And i worried so much!!!