Seriously considering sticking at one

[TheCountessOlenska]

Dh and I have been giving serious thought to this over the last month. I think I would have some sadness - mainly at the thought of not being pregnant and giving birth again, as I absolutely loved those experiences. However, the baby stage is something I have NO desire to do again. Our thoughts so far have been:

Didn't really enjoy that first year at all.
Baby stuff is quite boring (all the kit - pushchairs/ carseats/ cots/ nappies. We will be soo happy to see the back of all that)
I love breastfeeding and still breastfeed DD (nearly 2) - however I don't think I can face another X amount of years doing it.
Sleep!!! A major one - DD is a terrible sleeper and still wakes in the night.
TTC - struggled to conceive and found it a majorly stressful experience. Not relishing idea of going through that again.
DD is nearly 2 and we can see "light at the end of the tunnel" - we are not feeling sentimental at the passing of the baby years. Looking forward to DD joining in with us for travelling/ festivals - things that seemed difficult to do while she was tiny.

I would love to hear of others reasons/ experiences

From your description of your experience it sounds very sensible to stop at one.

OP, I could have written your post word for word.

Just last week DH & I were reminiscing about the birth and we are lucky to look back fondly on our experience.

DD was not a particularly difficult baby, some issues with sleep but all in all nothing too drastic.

Still, we're happy with one. (dd is 15 months)

Our main reason (if a little selfish) is that I am in a very high powered job and DH is SAHD, he's 43, I'm 29 and DH says that he feels too old to have another and that he fears he wouldn't be able to cope with another. I just can't give up work.

Look forward to reading others comments.

We've only got one ATM, but expecting#2 (rather unexpectedly IYSWIM)! There have definitely been parts of the baby experience I am not looking forward to repeating, so I can understand why you might prefer to stop at one.

I have one or two friends who are only children and they seem like pretty contented individuals; they reckon lots of time spent with friends/cousins is far moe enjoyable than being pushed into constant contact with a sibling!

Only thing I'd worry about is that if you or DH get ill when you're older, your DD may feel like she's got to be enough support for both of you and that could be tough for her. Mind you this is a tiny con compared to many other pros that could be listed... if having one child is right for your family then I'd go with that.

Ooops - that opening message sounded much more negative than I meant it to! Was on my way to work and in a bit of a rush!

Obviously, we adore DD - we feel so lucky to have her after waiting so long to conceive and she is completely perfect

It's just that - we have been going along thinking "oh we'll probably try for another baby once she's two" but now we're suddenly thinking "Eeek, what we have to do all that again!?"

Our reasons for having another would be basically - for DD to have a sibling (DH not bothered by this as he was an only, although he has felt that lack of a sibling in later life I think, for the reasons cerys74 mentioned). And because it's what everyone else does (2.4 children etc)

Thanks for your post flyswithcrows - I'm glad other people feel like this! Can i ask, do you feel sad about the idea of not having another? do you worry about your DD not having a sibling?

I could have written a lot of what you have - but throw in a fairly negative experience of pregnancy and birth, and then PND as well. I've said that if I'd had better experiences from TTCing all the way through to DD's first year, I may well have sleep-walked into having another - or if I'd had a burning desire to have another child, I might have braved it all again. But neither of those things was true, so it didn't happen.

DD is nearly 8 now - I have occasional 'what ifs' but no real regrets. It's not like it was ever going to happen, so there's no point in regrets. I work on the basis that ideally a child is wanted in its own right, not as a playmate for an existing child, and not as support for that child and its parents in old age. If you have a child because you want to, and it turns out for whatever reason NOT to be a playmate or support for your first child, that's one thing - I imagine if you had it purely to be those things, and it wasn't, that could be devastating.

But do consider your child's feelings as well- I only know one only child who is actively pleased to be one. Sad but true.

I agree, DontCallMeBaby. I often feel sad about ds being an only, as I come from a large blended family and so have one full sib, one half and three steps. We're pretty close and all get on well. On the other hand, DH has one full and two steps, and they have virtually no contact at all, they're certainly not friends in the way that I am friends with my sibs. You just can't predict it.

I've been doing a lot of baby knitting (for other people) recently; thinking back to those early years and how awful I found them (sorry cerys!) and I know that age, health and bad luck have conspired to give us the right outcome, really. And of course if I ever do decide ds should be part of a large blended family like mine, I can always simply divorce DH and marry someone else, simply really

DH and I felt exactly this way when DD was 2. I was also still bfing at that stage, and felt that I would never want to go right back to the beginning with all the exhaustion that that entails...

We took dd travelling in a campervan round Europe and really made the most of the flexibility of having just one.

Until about a year ago I was totally happy with our situation - had my 'life back' etc - and I was really quite shocked when I woke up one morning and realised that I had changed my mind and did want a second!

Am now 21wks and DD (nearly 5) is over the moon that she's going to have a little sister.

I am most definitely not saying 'oh, you'll have a change of heart one day' - lots of single child families are happy that way and wouldn't change a thing. All I'm saying is never say never, because life is long, circumstances change, and it is a possibility that you may find yourself feel totally differently a few years from now, however hard that may be to imagine right now.

Yes - I don't know how I would feel if age weren't a major factor in the inevitability of our 'choice' - I'm 40. If I were 30 I might feel rather different about whether circumstances might change.

And congratulations to Bibbo and cerys!

Thanks for the good wishes - my one consolation is that we're going to get all the nappies/wailing/drool/vomit over early on (we are DEFINITELY stopping at two)!!

Personally I'm really looking forward to DS being big enough to chat to (he's only 8mo); not sure I'm really a baby person. However one good thing is that I look at him now and marvel at how far we've come in 8 months - from Mr FloppyHead who just stared at me unknowingly to a laughing interactive little boy. The speed of the transformation will (hopefully) cheer me up when faced with second Mr/Ms FloppyHead...

"But do consider your child's feelings as well- I only know one only child who is actively pleased to be one. Sad but true"

Do you interrogate all "only" children to ask them if they're pleased to be an only child? What about kids with siblings, do you check if they're actively pleased with their lot?

Not going to get into a debate on this one. But I repeat, it is important to consider the child in decision making. Not a critical, deal breaking factor, obviously. But not to be ignored either.

I am an only child and would have loved a brother or sister. It's very intense being an only as the whole parental focus is on you with no sibling to dilute it. This is not so bad when things are going well, but if your parents are arguing or there are problems (like in my family) it can be stressful.

My husband is also an only child and his experience is not all positive - his Mum really wanted a big family, she tried to conceive for ages (in the days before fertility treatment was available). Eventually got DH and no more kids came along and she is so possessive with him even now and still resents him getting married and having another woman in his life lol :)

DH and I have one DD of 10 months - really hope to have more and will get working on it asap - though only children run in our family.....my Mum is one too!!!

Good luck whatever you decide OP.

Its boring being an only child (well I found it to be)

'It's very intense being an only as the whole parental focus is on you with no sibling to dilute it.' Agree 100%. I am an only and have 3 dc.

Your choice entirely of course.

I have one and really would have liked more but itmwasn,t to be. It is great and ds is v happy and never complains about it but he is very social and has lots of friends. He is also one of many onlys there were 10 in his class all the way through primary school. It is an intense relationship though and sometimes we need to step back. Having siblings does not guarantee anything in later life.

Hi. I have an only and can give you so many reasons why its a good thing. But to tackle the issue of your DC having no siblings first - both my husband and I are from big families - so mostly remember all the arguments, lack of space, etc.etc.

Yes I felt guilty, so my DD (now 14) had loads of play dates and sleepover from early on. You have to be proactive all the time. But at least when you have 2 kids in the house, they are friends, same age and same sex and play with same toys. - and get on GREAT!

I used to feel for friends who had to find something to do with their children of mixed ages and interests. We tended to share holidays and christmases with other friends or family.

Actually, this Christmas was the first time since she was a baby that we woke up on Xmas morning just the three of us.

So you can make up for not having siblings, but actually end up sharing your life more not less.

OP - honestly, I could have written your post word for word (loved pregnancy and BF, difficulty TTC, still not sleeping at 23 months) - only I have DS). And, yes, I also find it hard to imagine having another,THANK YOU!!

But I also felt the need to balance out the comments about only children wishing they had siblings. I am an only child, never really missed having a brother or sister, and rather enjoyed the close relationship it gives you with your parents. I think when you're little you just accept your life the way it is (unless really dreadful)? My Dad is an only, and was happy that way, Mum has 1 sibling who made her life a misery. So there's no 'norm', I don't think.

my only comment on your post is that it is totally valid for your family to decied that just 1 child is right for you. but remember the baby years are just so short in comparison to the rest of a child's life so dont base a decision solely on just a fleeting moment. i too basically hated those baby/ toddler years. but i had mine cloes together to get it over with and now both are at school it is just so gerat to have 2.

Thanks for all your opinions, good points from everyone!

neigesdantan - good to hear you feel the same! I think lack of sleep and the intensity of the breastfeeding relationship are two of the major factors for me.

I do realise that these issues will resolve in time so have had further talk with DH and we have decided to shelve the idea for another 6 months (and have a summer of hols and festivals whilst not TTC- yay!).

I think DD will either be an only (either by choice or because I don't manage to conceive naturally - pretty sure I wouldn't seek fertility treatment) OR I will have another but with a massive gap in between!

I have one ds, 2 yo, not planning an encore. Pregnancy was ok, but i don't have the urge to be pregnant again. I don't want the pressure of taking care of one child and having a newborn. We don't have the support or space for another, and my DS takes up quite a lot of attention. And I'm soon starting work again. It's all enough. I have a sibling, but we don't see eachother often - I wouldn't really say I feel any closer than with my good friends. My childhood was a mess. My parents were irate with us most of the time, I think they bit off more than they could chew & i don't want to do the same.

OP, I totally understand where you are coming from. We have one DD, now 26 months, and I really think we may stick at 1. DH and I - and, I suspect from what I have seen, DD - enjoy having time to ourselves and adding another child into the mix would compromise that. I didn't get on particularly well with my brother, DH is an only and found it dull but then he lived in the middle of the countryside and I think that has more to do with his feelings about childhood than whether or not he had a sibling: he certainly says he doesn't wish he had one.

I've come to the conclusion that, as DontCallMeBaby suggests and as happened to Bibbo, I'm waiting for the jolt of wanting another child because I want one - not because the pros outweigh the cons. If that jolt never comes then so be it, but I tend to think that if I'm thinking about the decision this dispassionately then I don't want a second...

I'm 37 this year so it does worry me that we may miss the boat, but if that is the case then we'll just have to accept it.