One embryo left, using it for fear of regretting it later??

[Amybear]

Hi Everyone, I am quite new to this board and have posted a couple of times in a short period of time (sorry) - however been having a hard time at the moment with deciding on trying for a second child or not.

1. We have one very good quality embryo in storage and we can use it whenever we want.
2. DH does not want to use it but will do it for me and says he will be happy with the outcome if it works.
3. I am happy with my life at present and do not long for another baby.... but I do worry a great deal that I will regret not trying this embryo some time in the future.
4. I do not have time on my side as DH is 43 and says 'now or never' (give or take a few months)

So.... I have searched my head and heart and come to the conclusion that my main motivation for trying the embryo is for fear of regret at a later date. My Mother says this is the wrong reason to have a child (especially when DH is not pushing for it) but I really do feel that there is a strong possibility of regret.

We do have a wonderful life with just one and I believe I could be happy with one if the embryo did not work, however feel like I will never have 'closure' if I don't know the outcome.
My Mum's advice to this comment is simple - 'this is life changing and you need to be grown up about it' (I take this to mean that sometimes you have to live with a degree of regret or uncertainty in life)

I also know that sticking with just one would make DH very happy and his happiness is very important to me.

The decision is, can I live with leaving the embryo alone.....?

This is the toughest decision I have ever made!

One of my work colleagues had to make this decision as their storage time was coming to an end. They decided to give it a go, unfortunately it wasn't successful but they were glad they tried otherwise they would have "never known". Like you say I think it's a bit of a closure thing.

A difficult one. If I was in this situation I think I would go for it, don't think I could go through life thinking "what if".

What an awfully difficult decision. And what a sage oracle of a mum you have!

I truly don't know what I would do in your shoes, I'd be exactly as torn as you are, but I didn't want to read and not reply.

You've identified that your motivation for using the embryo is potential future regret. Here's some more questions that might help:

How would you feel if you received a letter from the clinic tomorrow saying that the embryo had been accidentally damaged, thus unusable?

How would you feel if you had the transfer and it failed?

How would you feel if you had the transfer and it succeeded?

If you didn't use the embryo and five years down the line you got ill and died (god, sorry to be so morbid!), would it trouble you that you had not used the embryo?

How would you feel if you decided not to use the embryo, and then in a few years, you started to get broody and wished you had another child but it was too late - would you be able to 'forgive' yourself and move on positively for the child you have, or is it something that would cloud every day?

I think this last question is important - it's your 'worse-case scenario' so should be examined and confronted now (I did some press skills training and the trainer said the best way to prepare for an interview is to identify and prepare an answer to the worse possible question the interviewer could ask you!). To have another child, I would need to start fertility treatment so I'm not a hundred miles from your situation - I have the same 'worse-case-scenario as you i.e. potential regret at not trying.

I have come to peace with my decision (not to have another) through being 100% confident that, if it did come to the worse-case-scenario stage when I 'regretted' not having tried for a second, I would be gentle and 'forgive' my former self, knowing that every decision made at every step of the way was made thoughtfully, and with the best interests of my family at that moment in time. I honestly believe that it is impossible for a past decision to be a 'wrong' decision, if it was made cognisantly and with care, based on the information available/the situation at the time - sadly we can't make our decisions with the benefit of hindsight.

Anyway, that's the place I have reached, but it's very personal, and it might not be a place you can see yourself at yet (or ever...)

Thank you so much for your replies, Llanarth I cannot thank you enough. These are my honest answers -

How would you feel if you received a letter from the clinic tomorrow saying that the embryo had been accidentally damaged, thus unusable?

Upset

How would you feel if you had the transfer and it failed?

Happy that I had tried. I feel I could then move on with my life.

How would you feel if you had the transfer and it succeeded?

Happy for the future but anxious about all the pressures a new baby brings and change to lifestyle etc. Could I cope with another etc (altho my friend tells me everyone feels this way)

This is the big one though....if I don't use it I will forever wonder 'what if' and 'should I'. I just know that I will never move on until i have tried it. But on the flip side I do worry 'what if it works!!!??' I wish I was more like you and be easier on myself but I am not like that, I am a true dweller.

My main worries surround my DH and the changes it will mean to our lifestyle. I worry that he will cope with the new demands as he does like life the way it is. Everyone thinks he is a natural father tho and after talking with him last night he did say he is happy to go for it if it makes me happy..

I am not 100% sure either way so part of thinks I should just bite the bullet and let fate decide.

Thanks again, I will keep you posted xxx

I just wanted to add that if we didn't have this one embryo we would not start the treatment again, we would just be happy with our one lovely DS. I almost wish we had none left and then this dilemma would not exist. It is almost as if it NEEDS using. I think about it ALL the time and worry that I will forever think about it until it is used.

i think maybe you have answered your own question!!! I can understand your dilema and i think i would have to go fo it, as like yourself would always think that could have been a sister or brother for DS, and if it doesn't work out at least you gave it a chance. Also and sorry if this sounds a bit soft..but i think i would worry that my baby is in a dish somewhere waiting to be given a chance! I know its not a baby as such but its still your DNA!

A friend of mine was in this situation, her marriage became very dodgy so they did not use the embryo and she regrets it bitterly to this day and wishes what if - she also feels guilt. I would also say like your friend everyone feels a bit windy about having another child - the disruption and change having your first brings it difficult to imagine doubled (not that it is ever as much of a shock as having your first I think) - Men can also be a bit ambivalent about having more children. I have lots of children as it happens and I know DH would be happy if we had more but would be equally happy if we did not have any more..... he is happy if I am happy - for him it is all about what I think I can cope with and he is happy to go along like that. I am not sure there is a huge lifestyle change from having one child to two. In your situation and knowing my friends situation I would have a go and see. If you think your would regret never knowing then have a try. Perhaps the middle ground might be donating the embryo to another family? Is that possible? Or is it only eggs (sorry I don't know if it is)

If you had to make the choice between using it now or having it destroyed, which would you choose?

Is that not the choice that will come at some point?

I agree with Sam26, I think your responses do give you your answer -

you'd be upset if you didn't get the chance to use it;
you'd be happy to know 'at least I tried' if it didn't take;
you'd be happy (although a little apprehensive) if it took;
you're fairly sure you would regret it, and be forever dwelling on the 'what if' if you didn't use it (and would not be able to 'forgive' yourself in these circumstances).

All these seem to point towards having the transfer, and letting fate decide what will be.

And as SoupDragon says, if you don't use it, you will have to sign a consent form to have it destroyed (or donated - yes that is a possibility brandy), and given your uncertainty, that would be very hard.

I wish you the best with whatever you decide to do!

Thanks so much for taking the time to help me! I have decided to use the embryo and then I will draw a line under it whatever the decision. will let you all know how we get on!! Should know outcome around March time - eek!!

amybear how did you get on?

Bump

I would use it, I couldn't bear the thought if it just being in a fridge somewhere

Any news amybear?

???????

Bump