To those who have been unable to have a second child. Have you made your peace with it? If so, how?

[Notinmykitchen]

Hi, I have a DS who is now 4. It took me about 2 years after he was born to persuade DH to try for a second, however it has been well over a year now of actively trying and nothing has happened. I have been to the doctors for the initial blood tests, and they showed I had low progesterone. I also have a short luteal phase. DH will not go to the doctors to get himself tested, so I can't get referred. We have discussed it and decided to stop trying at the end of this year, although we will not be using any contraceptives so I guess it is still possible that it could happen, although it seems very unlikely without medical help.

The logical part of me can see a lot of reasons why sticking with one can be good, but I am still finding it tough to accept that I will never have another child. DS keeps asking me when I will have another baby. He has even resorted to asking my Mum if she will have a baby!

So what I am asking is how do you come to terms with it? Does it ever stop hurting when you see other people having their second children? Thanks.

yes.

We started ttc when ds was two, and as it had taken over a year to conceive him I was well aware that it might take some time. However after a year nothing had happened so we went for some tests and it transpired that dh had a low sperm count, although he was never keen to follow up these tests iyswim.

I didn't want to go through medical intervention either as I think that it is a bit of a rollercoster which is very difficult to get off once you're there.

So, after about two years of actively ttc we sort of stopped actively trying on the basis we knew it was very unlikely to happen. But we didn't use contraceptives either and tbh I think that while a part of you says that you know it's not going to happen, you do still wonder every month, especially if you're a bit late/feel a bit nausious/know you did it on the right day etc.

My thinking then was that although I "knew" it wouldn't happen, I would still be happy if it did.

Periodically I wondered if I was pregnant/wondered if deciding to not go through any treatments would leave me full of regret in the future etc, but I was never of the obsessively wanting to get pg/not being able to see other peoples' babies type. I firmly believe that we should be grateful for the things we do have rather than regret the things we don't/can't have.

Anyway about eighteen months ago I went away for a week and while I was away I did a lot of re-evaluation of my life, about what I wanted/where I was going etc, and I decided that I wanted to go back to work etc (this still hasn't happened but is down to circs rather than anything else), but a part of that also made me realize that actually I am now past the point of wanting another child - that that part of me had passed because the age gap would be too big/I now wanted my life back.

And since that point we have gone back to actively not ttc i.e. using contraception again. Because I don't want to end up one of those women that just blythely accepted it "couldn't" happen, and end up pregnant into my 40's when I have a teenager.

My ds is nine now and I know that a nten year age gap would be too big, and I don't want to go back to the stage of night-wakings and dirty nappies...

And yes, I have totally come to terms with that - I believe this is how it was meant to be.

I think my dh is less happy about it, but he does also realize now that the age gap would be too big.

Thanks wannaBe. That makes me feel a bit better. I hope I can get to be where you are eventually!

Yes, I did and fairly quickly, to the extent that I found it hard quite hard to be near a friend who was still rushing off to cry when she heard about anyone else's pregnancy. That's not intended to sound unsupportive, but my fear is that if you can't make peace with it fairly quickly, you run the huge risk of your child picking up on your negative feelings and thinking (wrongly) that they're to blame.

Anyway, I can't really pinpoint what helped me. In part, I think it was a very strong sense that we had been remarkably lucky to have our child and also that there was so much else happening in my life at the time that (for better or worse) I didn't have time to dwell on it. I think it's fine to feel sad at the thought of not having another baby - that's not unique to mums of one and mums of two or more feel the same - but if you can't make peace with it then don't feel shy about seeking counselling or other forms of help.

The one child tea room is always there for anyone who wants to chew it over.

This thread interests me, I have a DS who is 23 months and we're umming and aahing about whether or not to try for another. I had an awful pregnancy, traumatic birth and really struggled with the first year, having no family nearby and very little other support. I wonder how I'd cope with two.

I wonder about the benefits of a sibling for my DS but then wonder if having another purely for this reason is the right thing to do. The thought of being pregnant again and a difficult birth fills me with dread. But then am I being selfish thinking these things? I've just about got a bit of a life back and not sure I want to go down that road again.

This is all the assumption that if we did start trying that we'd be lucky enough to have it happen again. I'm 35 and not sure I could try and try for years. Really don't know what to do, but wonder if I'd regret not trying harder to make it happen.

I keep thinking about my DS asking about a brother or sister and wanting one and me being too old and feeling guilty about not giving him that.

Just don't know what to do.

Mamalovebird - There are lots of threads within this topic on themes like 'will my only child be a lonely child?' Have you read them? They offer lots of different points of view on whether one should have another child to provide the first-born with a sibling, and so on. They might help you sort out how you feel.

Thanks Maud. I've not read anything yet - this feeling is very recent as we've only really started discussing the possibility of another DC. I will have a look. I'm normally such a can-do person and tend to make up my mind fairly quickly but I'm scared about this as it's a decision about creating another life and being responsbile for that little person's life so I don't want to rush into it in case I can't handle it with the care and love it deserves.

Anyway, I don't want to hijack notinmykitchen's thread so will bugger off and find a more appropriate place to spew my thoughts.

Mamalovebird feel free to hijack! I am almost coming at it from an opposite position, we only planned to have one when DH and I got together, but DS has been so easy, it made me want another. It is helpful to be reminded that a second may well be completely different, and my happy little dreams of another DS like the one I have, may not be how it would be in reality. That said, the same is true, in reverse for you, one difficult start doesn't mean you would have another one. I guess none of us knows how it would be, which makes it all the more difficult!

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud I share the feeling that we are very lucky that we have DS. I gave up my main hobby when I had DS, maybe now is the time to get back to it, and stop focussing on what I can't have!

I know this isn't quite the same thing (so excuse me if you don't think it is relevant) but me and DH decided we only wanted 2 DC from the start and have not veered from that - 18 months after DS2 was born, DH had a vasectomy and that was that.

Whilst I absolutely do not want another DC and was over the moon at having 2 boys, there is a tiny part of me that is upset that I have not had a girl. I have totally come to terms with it and definitely did not want a third DC but I always feel a slight pang of envy when I find out anyone (RL, slebs, whatever) has had another baby which means they have now had a boy and a girl (if that makes sense). I am not sure that is ever going to away to be honest I think it is because a boy and a girl is seen as the 'perfect' family by society in general...although I know that my family is in fact perfect

We are going through this conundrum now. We have DS age 2yrs 5mo and is the apple of our eye and the centre of our universe. He is a happy sociable child and like you OP was an easy baby and toddler. We too are mindful that DC2 could be a complete culture shock!

We started TTC in the new year, got PG straight away then had a MC at 10 weeks in March We got straight back on the bandwagon and i had another MC/CP at 5 weeks in August

We were devastated with both losses. DH wanted to 'crack right on' and go for it again but i have lost my mojo with the whole thing. Like wannaBe said, we are at the point of mooching through the months, absentmindedly thinking we might have done it at the right time and waiting a bit more patiently for CD28... yada yada

BUT i am at the point now where (again as WannaBe said) i am sort of 'over it'. DH is not though, i tried to talk to him about it last month and his little face fell, he said 'so are you saying you dont want another baby?' that is not what i am saying just that i dont want to put my life on hold.

Anyway sorry for my hijack i didnt realise there was a topic for one child families, i will have a mooch over there at lunchtime (i should be working now! )

I guess my answer to you is yes i have almost made my peace with it, DH hasnt and i kind of want us to make the ultimate decision. I am 39 in January and dont want to be a mum of teenagers when i am 60.

I think the defining moment was when a friend of mine said that she was definitely just having the one child and didnt want any more. I was kind of jealous that she had made the choice IYSWIM

Yes, just recently. For about two years I was sad and a bit angry about it, then just over the past 6 months I've started to see things very differently. I'm grateful that I've got my DS - he's such a blessing, and if I'd had another child I would have felt blessed again. But once blessed is pretty damn wonderful. These days I look at our family and think I just couldn't possibly ask for my life to be happier or better. And like wannaBe now that DS is turning 6, I'm starting to think about my career again and about my own ambitions and am glad that I'll have more time to dedicate to that. I'm excited about some of the projects I'm working on, and I wouldn't be able to do them at the same time as caring for a baby or a toddler. As DS is getting older I'm getting some of 'my old self' back and quite enjoying it. Some might see that as selfish, but this is the hand I've been dealt, so I don't think it's selfish to adapt and enjoy what I have instead of being bitter about what I don't.

But once blessed is pretty damn wonderful.

Yes, that perfectly encapsulates how it feels for me too.

I think ceebeegeebies' post reinforces what I said earlier about the sadness at not having any more babies not being unique to mums of one. The menopause is another point at which those feelings can kick in too, at the realisation that one's reproductive days are gone. I agree too with becstarsky about learning to deal (in every sense) with the hand you've been dealt.

notinmykitchen don't get me wrong DS himself was a very easy baby and has always slept and fed well, he is a beautiful little boy and very happy with it. What I struggled with was having no support and having to go back to work after 7 months and missing him badly. I'm partly my own worst enemy as I didn't go easy on myself and didn't rest when I should have, making sure the house was always tidy and washing up to date etc etc.

Funnily, I'm worried that dc2 may not be as easy to deal with as ds1, and how I'd cope with no great support network. Although saying that, my friendships with the mums I met on NCT with DS are becoming more solid so that would probably help and I'm a lot closer to DH's parents than I was as we'd only been together 5 months when I got pregnant with DS.

finances also play their part but I'm more concerned about the impact on DS whether or not he has a sibling, or if there would actualyl be any impact. Am I over thinking it? I like our life now but then am I just being selfish?

Thanks for all the replies. Having read them I am feeling far more positive, almost a little excited about the future with just one child.

ceebeegeebies, I'd say that is relevant, its basically about wanting what you can't have, which I guess is something we just have to learn to accept.

MarthasHarbour sorry to hear about your MC's, that must have been unbelievably tough! Good to hear, that even after that you are getting to be OK with how things are.

becstarsky I love your way of looking at it. We are indeed blessed.

mamalovebird I agonised over all the same things you've mentioned, ultimately I decided to just go for it and see what happened, seems it wasn't meant to be for us. I don't think you can predict how it would be with a second, good luck with whatever you decide.

thank you kitchen i am in a really good 'place' now so it all worked out well

After posting on here DH and I had a long long talk last night about what to do with the future and we have decided to not try for another child. It was a very emotional experience but we have made the decision based on a our circumstances. I'm sure I'll have my wobbles about it, but I know it's the right decision for our marriage and our family (as it is now).

We have also decided that we are going to look to adopt when DS is in school. DH is adopted and it's something we've always wanted to do.

It's weird, just agreeing and making the decision feels like a weight has been lifted. We can make plans and not have to think 'what if I get pregnant?'

mamalovebird, wow, that is a lovely decision you have made, congratulations! If it feels like a weight has lifted it must be right for you:)

Well done mama some wonderful plans you have made.

My friend couldn't conceive due to chemo so adopted the most beautiful little boy who has given them so much happiness

No. Still heartbroken 19 years after trying for a second- IVF , Clomid etc

OP, why won't your husband get tested? The most obvious test is not at all invasive, though I do realise an awful lot of men are reluctant to get it done in case it points out a problem - but it winds me up that they are happy for women to get tests and find out if it's their 'fault'. (nb I don't really believe in fault here, it just is what it is). I'm not trying to moan about your partner, but I have seen so much of this in RL with people I know, and it makes me a bit sad. What would hurt me is knowing my husband isn't willing to get over a little embarrassment to find out some potentially very valuable info.

We are in the situation of having one lovely little 19 month old and I would love another, but not only is it not a good time financially and work-wise, but we struggled to have him for one reason and another, and I doubt we would easily, if ever, fall pregnant. I tell myself he's so awesome (pfb!) that it doesn't matter, but I think it will take a couple of years of trying, when the time is right, to fully reconcile myself with it.

annie, I am sorry to hear that, it must be hard.

MysteriousHamster, if I'm honest I think DH could be persuaded to get tested, we haven't discussed it a great deal, beyond him saying he'd rather not, but then the next step would be more tests, and possibly treatment, and all the stress and agony that comes with it. He is much more laid back than me, and would be happy if we had another child, but equally is happy with how things are now. I think if we went down that route, I would get more and more stressed and obsessed, and find it increasingly hard to deal with it.

I don't think we can risk going through all that, with no guarantee of success at the end of it. I am very grateful for what I do have, and I don't want to risk ruining that, for what could be an impossible dream. Over the last few months since my OP I have been trying hard to focus on other things in life, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but I can see a time in the future when I will be genuinely happy with what I have. I still haven't given up entirely, but I am much more relaxed about it now, taking the view that if it happens, or not then I will be OK with that. I don't know if any of that rambling makes sense, but it is how I feel at the moment,

Notinmykitchen, I will be honest, I do get pangs when I see friends/ acquaintances with seconds and thirds and I acknowledge this. But I am not them, and I acknowledge this too. I deal with my situation by accepting I cannot change it. I still wish things were different sometimes, so I try and dwell on the positives, like the time I can give my DD compared to if I had two, our extremely close relationship and the experiences I can give her which would not be possible with more than one. the fact is, the situation with one child is perfect, and the situation if I had two or more children would also be perfect. It depends on which way you look at it. It has taken me years to get here. I wish you nothing but peace and love.