Chosen to have one but feel ambivalent/guilty

[gobblygook]

I have posted in behaviour about guilt over not playing with 11 month DS enough...but I think the guilt is also rooted in deciding to have only 1 DC

I'm 42, DS is 11 months, and I never really expected to have a child...and when I did choose to get pregnant, I totally believed I'd only have 1 child.

Roll on in time...I adore my DS, as does my DH, and he's a totally wonderful person to have in my life.

And for some reason I think about having another quite a lot. But not in any straight forward way. I think about it for my DS because I feel guilty he may be on his own - later in life and in childhood, worrying he'll be bored and that I won't be able to rid myself of the guilt.

But I can totally rationalise not having another - there's a ton of reasons, age being a huge one. And I don't want to rush to have another and miss DS's young years.

I have this confused set of feelings almost all the time and it's upsetting. Not sure what I want out of posting but I'm here, and I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve!

I understand you, and the only difference I had was that I was quite young (26 when I had DS1).

IMO, 11months is way too young to be thinking about having another DC, but I had the luxury of time on my side.

I wouldn't worry about him being on his own as a child. Siblings are over rated when it comes to keeping each other company (believe me, I now have 3 DC) The only serious plus I can see to having siblings is when you are very old/ die. I think that is a tough time for only children, but apart from that I think you should relax.

Why ruin your enjoyment of your DS by having another DC?

I will tell you what I honestly think. Have another baby.

I am an only and no probs when I was younger at all - I was lonely I think at the time and spent a lot of time reading but I cannot say it hampered me in any way. As I got older my Mummy got ill and I looked after her. she died after a time and that is when it all really kicked in. I do have a bit of a pants family, a step dad who has not been much good for instance but losing my Mummy made me realise I am alone. I have no brothers or sisters to share my own children with and now my Nana is in the last stages of her life I am back in the driving seat again making decisions about her care (I would love to share that with someone - it feels like the end of the world if I get it wrong)

I say this for another reason, I am expecting a baby and it will be born when I am 42 - this is my 5th child. I see the relationship between my children (despite the scrapping) and then I know I missed out when I was younger. Sometimes the compassion my children show one another takes my breath away and I really wish I had had that when I was a child.

Sorry this is not meant to be a guilt trip but having a baby later is not as bigger deal as it was and my children are pretty close together and it does them no harm at all - I am busy, I am pushed and I know I definitely do not play with them enough but they are happy and well rounded. I am absolutely blessed.

I have to disagree very strongly with LynetteScavo when she says having another child ruins your enjoyment of the first! Bloody Hell

Thanks both - good points of view

Interestingly, Pinky, I have three siblings and I don't feel I really benefited at all from my relationship with them. Maybe that's also a big part of this - I have closer relationships with friends

I think I phrased that badly. I had a four year gap between DC1 and DC2, and really enjoyed DC1. I had a much shorter gap between DC2 and 3, and regret it. Yes, having 2 babies at the same time meant I couldn't enjoy them both as much as having one baby at a time.

Obviously, personally I would have another baby in the OPs shoes. I wouldn't be dithering. But if I found having babies close together hard.....And yes, I do often whistfully wonder what life would be like if I only had one DC.

"Obviously, personally I would have another baby in the OPs shoes. I wouldn't be dithering. "

Lynette - you've totally contradicted yourself in the different posts!

I am 23, and do have time on my side. You are not too old to have another baby, my mum was 41 when she had me and wanted another one, but my father was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 months later so number 3 never happened. You need to have a baby though because you want to have it and for that reason alone, not because of guilt. I think you need to talk it through with your partner. You need to work out what is right for YOU. x

I know it sounds like that....I had 3 babies...nothing would have stopped me at the time (apart from better contraception , or being unable to physically) I didn't dither.....that is not to say I don't regret having more than one child at times. A very un-PC thing to say, but I feel I can't give 100% of myself to each of my DC. I can't magic up the money for they private diagnoses I'm constantly encouraged to seek, I can't magically keep the ironing pile down, help with the homework etc without constant hard work.

No one told me it would be this hard. If I had known, I would have stuck at one.

If I was so sure and now have regrets, how will someone who is unsure feel???

The OP did ask.

Don't have another DC for your DS. He will grow up with whatever family he has and will have advantages from being an only - and disadvantages. As children in larger families will benefit and 'suffer' from being one of several. I do believe it all comes in swings and roundabouts.

And of course none of us can make any kind of decision for you .

I was one of 2, DH one of 3.
We have 4 DSs which I had between the ages of 37 and 44 after 4 MCs.
I am just mentioning our circumstances as I don't think you should your age alone stop you from considering another child. Your DH's age/opinion comes into it; your general health; your financial circumstances etc etc.

Having children is intrinsically 'selfish' - I have never, ever been broody and had to ask myself how I wanted my old age to look like: doing lots of fancy 5* cruises in the Caribbean or have (hopefully!) GCs in my life?? I simplify, but for me it was very much a life decision, rather than 'I want a baby' I am not very good with babies.

Also, there is something that children get from siblings that they don't get from other children IMO, even v good friends or cousins are not the same as sibs who are always there, you either love or loathe and who know all the family inside jokes.

And yes, I find it very hard. To the point were I have regrets at times. But would I decide differentely, given the chance?? I can't see it tbh.

So, on balance, if you ask me, consider having another one. But then again, I would say that wouldn't I... .

I just read your other thread - you sound like a lovely mum .

The Guilt gets less with each child as you are simply unable to focus ALL your attention on the One and Only. Which is a Good Think IMO - imagine being under observation all the time .

"The Guilt gets less with each child as you are simply unable to focus ALL your attention on the One and Only. Which is a Good Think IMO - imagine being under observation all the time"

That's a tactless thing to say on the One Child board and stupid too

Thanks all

Somewhat confused that all the posters on this thread have several children! I thought it was a strand for one child families...?

Gobbly I have 1 through choice and too worry about the only-ness in later life. To put into persepctive - I was 1 of 5 and DH 1 of 7 we are not particularly close to our siblings - in fact both families have lots of 'issues' which we try to take a very much back seat view of....

My childhood was very lonely in its self as there were so many of us and I was the youngest - there were lots of argumests with my older siblings and I wasn't very happy.

DS is now 8 I love our family unit, the freedom we have to do all sorts of things and we make sure he is involved in lots of activities, have lots of frinds over and try to see cousins et as much as possible ( although given reasons above not all that much)

Don't beat yourself up, you have to have a child for YOU not your ds....

I have one child, DS aged 6. Love him to bits. The plan had always been to have 2, but it just never happened for various reasons. I was desperate for another child when DS was about 3 years old, a real yearning to have a baby that I'd never had before. Anyhow, DH and I decided soon after DS's 4th birthday, that was it, no more children. It was a good decision for us I think.

What I would say to you is to make a firm decision, are you having more or not? Don't let it hang in the ether between you and your DH. I'm 41 and I suppose I could have another. My sister in law had her second at 42, my grandma had had my Dad at 44! But I've decided not to have more, and I am content with that.

DS used to ask wbout when he was getting a brother or sister, he understands now it will be just him. I don't think he has any less of a life being by himself, he is a self reliant child, great at making friends, very chatty and popular. I do have to amke an effort that he does "stuff" away from home - drama, athletics, cricket - so he gets a chance to shout and scream with other children away from school.

it's tough when your parents get ill or die even if you have siblings. The way i look at it is that although it's just him, there won't be anyone falling out with him over the will as it's going to him.

Make the decision to have one and just learn to live with it. HTH

I apologise if the above sentence caused offense and yes, it would have been better places in the OP's other thread, not here, so an unreserved sorry from me.

It does reflect my experience though.
I'd ask for it to be removed, but as it has been repeated, I'll let it stand.

Pacific - I should have elaborated but it was after midnight and I was knackered.

It was tactless (yes, I know you've apologised but bear with me) because many people on this board would desperately love to have a second child but are unable to and feel a terrible guilt that they are letting their child down by not giving them a sibling.

I have one DD by choice but I wince when I read the comments other parents of onlies have to put up with from people telling them how badly affected their child will be and how lonely s/he will be in later life when they are dead and their Poor Only has to wander this earth without the comfort of a sibling.

I am one of 4 and - though I wouldn't wish my sibs dead (honest!) - would have enjoyed being an only child. I craved my mum's attention, or "observation" as you would put it, but there just wasn't enough of her to go round even though she was a fabulous mum.

Both parents long dead now and we sibs have drifted apart, it is my DH, DD and friends who I draw comfort from and I hope my daughter will be as lucky when I'm no longer here.

"Somewhat confused that all the posters on this thread have several children! I thought it was a strand for one child families...?"

That's because most of the parents of onlies steer clear of the threads on this board because of the potentially hurtful views such as those posted above.

They take refuge in the Tearoom where I'm sure you will be warmly welcomed if you dare to venture in

No one can make your decision for you, but maybe having a very honest talk with your dh would help. I have one child by sort of choice, and although I've thought about whether that is the right thing, I know that neither dh or I have a strong enough feeling about doing so to want to.

But one thing for certain - the number of children you have does not impact on their happiness. What does is how you feel about things and how you treat them. Only children do not need to be lonely, spoilt, over involved with their parents, and siblings don't necessarily have a special bond

Jessie, believe it or not, I do understand were you (and other parents of onlies) come from and I fully acknowledge that I posted what I did in the wrong place. The phrase 'guilt' came from the OP's other thread and I have no idea why I did not reply there which would have been much more appropriate [up all night with croupy child as mitigating factor].

I said in my first post on this thread that I do not think anybody should base the number of children they would like to have on what they assume their excisting children might want.

Onlies can be lonely, mulitiples can be lonely. Parents of onlies feel guilt, and believe you me, parents of many feel the guilt of not being able to divide themselves (just like you describe in you childhood). I really think 'guilt' is part of the deal for anybody who is in the position to find themselves a parent.

In response of OP's original post here, I really only ment to add that age alone should not stop her from deciding whatever is right for her and her family. I should have kept my trap shut after that.

As you were.

BTW, parents of many get lots of ill-thought through/rude/'hilarious' comments as well. And parents of 4 boy... well...

"I really think 'guilt' is part of the deal for anybody who is in the position to find themselves a parent"

On that we do agree!

I think we parents of onlies need to toughen up sometimes and not avoid threads because we might hear something we don't want to.

Pacific was only pointing a true fact - it would be terrible for any child to be under constant scrutiny all the time. So to address this, as a parent of an only, I practice plenty of benign neglect and ensure both I and my DS have interests outside of the family, basically make sure he doesn't feel he's the be-all and end all of my life (even if he secretly is).

With regard to the "all alone dealing with aging parents" mantra you mentioned, well I have to say, the view of the majority of adult onlies I have met in RL and online is "I had a fantastic childhood, but its not so great now I'm an adult as I'm struggling with the burden of elderly parents alone". I see this information as an opportunity - again, it's something within my control - I'll make adequate financial provision for my retirement, I'll proactively move into assisted accommodation before I need to, I'll make end-of-life/funeral arrangements - in short do everything to ensure the only decision my DS will have to make will be choosing which size bag of wine gums to bring his old ma in the nursing home.

Equally the whole 'walking around as a lonely soul" once the parents have died theory - I'm going to counter that by being the best caring, responsive, emotionally aware mum I can be in raising my son, so he will have no trouble forming secure attachments as an adult, thus will never feel alone in this world.

EVERY family set up has advantages and disadvantages and all parents have to work out ways to address these - Pacific probably has to think about how she can ensure each of her boys has one-on-one time alone with her, or how to protect the self-esteem of the one who is not as academically bright as the other three (if there is one, they might all be geniuses like my DS ). These thankfully aren't the guilt-inducing issues that we parents of onlies have to deal with, our ones are different, equally challenging, but ultimately equally addressable.

Pacific was only pointing a true fact - it would be terrible for any child to be under constant scrutiny all the time. So to address this, as a parent of an only, I practice plenty of benign neglect and ensure both I and my DS have interests outside of the family, basically make sure he doesn't feel he's the be-all and end all of my life (even if he secretly is).

Yes, me too. It may be harder for an only child to drop below the parental radar, but as a parent one can make it happen. We mix a bit of benign neglect with enrolling DD in any activity she wants (within reason) so that she has plenty of time with friends with no parental cramping of her style.

And I agree too with Llanarth* that as parents of onlies it is incumbent on us to plan for our retirement and dotage so that taking care of us is not a huge chore. In fact, isn't that what all parents do if they're fortunate enough to have the wherewithal?

I'm always puzzled too by this insinuation that any middle-aged person - and I'm hoping that DD will be middle-aged by the time I pop my clogs and am trying to keep fit and healthy for that reason - who doesn't have a sibling will be lonely. Really? How many people do you know whose closest friend is their sibling? In all my acquaintance there's only one. I will do whatever I can to ensure that DD has empathy and social skills, so that by the time I do shuffle off this mortal coil she will be surrounded by people she loves and who love her.

Oh and the 31st tea room has just opened. Please drop in at any time!

• I think I may have a bit of a crush on Llanarth, because every time she posts on this topic I'm waving my cheerleader pom-poms and shouting "Go Llanarth!"