I am going mad - help me to decide. Should I have another one or not?

[messalina]

I used to think of myself as a very decisive person. Since having DD1 I have completely revised this view. She is now 3. For the last 2 years, I have been umming and aahing about whether to have another child. DH is spectacularly unhelpful and non-committal and also has no idea about money. A couple of months ago, on a complete whim, decided that did want another one and was fed up of my indecision. I have just worked out that I am currently in the middle of a miscarriage as the pregnancy test has gone from 3+ weeks to 2-3 in the space of 5 days - also have been bleeding a bit for over a week now on and off. Now reviewing the whole situation over a glass of wine...(a small one, just in case).

So, to cut to the point: would you rather be able to have fun with the money you earn and never worry about money again (and stick with one), or have another and not have as much fun and sometimes worry about money? That's the first question.

The second question is perhaps a bit of a grubby money question...HOW much money do you think a family of four needs to get by comfortably after all the bills are paid (mortgage, insurance, gas + electricity, water, nursery, credit cards etc etc)? Bear in mind I live in the South-East.

Sorry for long rambling post!

I should also add that whilst I ADORE my DD, I do find babies a bit boring and don't really see myself as a particularly motherly type. If we had a 2nd it would be to keep DD company...and also so I could go out and buy lots of new baby clothes (with the money we would no longer have). Please, someone tell me what they would do!!

And should just explain one more thing (why do I over analyse everything?!): it's not as simple as saying it's 4 years more of nursery care and then the worst is over. I am sending DD to a fee paying girls' school...I get a large discount because I work there. If we had a DS, we would then be consigned to pay for another 18 years of 'childcare' (nursery, followed by full whack on fees). So the 'fun' wilderness would be a long one...

Forget about all the other stuff and ask yourself "do I actually WANT another baby". Can you visualise yourself with two children? Would you be perfectly happy with one child?

If your only reason for having another is to keep your DD company then I'd say stick at one. There is a lot to be said for having an easy life.

I agree with happyhorse; the only reason to have another baby is because you and your DH decide you both want one. If you have one to keep your DD company, there's no guarantee they'll get on and given that your DD will probably be 4 when the baby comes along, they won't necessarily play together anyway. Just speaking from personal experience, my sister is 5 years older than me, and whilst we do love each other, as a child my sister mainly remembers being told she had to look after me/entertain me, when she didn't always want to, so I think it was much more of an advantage to me than to her IYSWIM. Certainly as adults, we get on OK but I have much closer relationships with friends than with my sister. Do what will make you happy, your DD will be fine whatever you decide. Good luck! x

Yes, more of the same from me too.

Don't make a decision (in either direction) based on some vague notion of providing your child with a companion. Weigh up all the pros and cons of having another child (and think of it as a child, not just as a baby) and then I hope you can reach a decision which you and your husband are both comfortable with.

How did you feel about having your first child? Did you have similar anxieties? Would a longer gap help? I had my second two years ago and (while it is much more work) I feel we have more fun. Kids are flipping expensive but at least you have pushchair, highchair etc
At the end of the day what will make you all happier?

Someone I know is an only child and has an elderly father who has become quite ill recently. She has full responsibility for him and all the decisions about his healthcare etc. she often says it would be nice to have a sibling that could share the burden and understand what she is going through. I don't want to play devils advocate but it's just an opinion from the other side.
Personally, I am the eldest of 6, and although when I was little I used to wish I was an only child so I could have all my parents time/money/attention, I wouldn't have it any other way now. (yes, I was a very selfish child )

Someone I know is one of three and yet she has to take full responsibility for her elderly parents because her siblings live too far away and aren't able or willing to make the effort. There is absolutely no guarantee that someone with siblings won't still end up doing it on their own.

Well said ComeIntoTheGardenMaud. There are no guarantees that siblings will get on, or support each other (although I appreciate that some do ). That's why you have to make the decision for yourself, not for your existing child.

Exactly, knottyhair. It's obvious that many siblings do have a close relationship but it's a myth to suggests that they all do or that the mere fact of sibship is enough to make people bosom pals for life. There are plenty of threads on MN that testify to the reality! IMO, the stress of parents getting old and frail often weakens family relationships rather than strengthening them.