Coming to terms with a termination

[ottawagirl]

OK, I have been trawling the Mumsnet site and have taken part in some debates regarding being the parent to an 'only' child but really haven't got to the bottom of my situation, which is eating away at me somewhat. Maybe someone out there might have some wise words?

I am 46 and after one abortion (I wasn't with my husband then) and five miscarriages (with my current husband) I conceived a healthy child and she was born a month before my 42nd birthday. I should have been thrilled as she was very much wanted and happened naturally. But I crashed and suffered terrible PND and my daughter was one of those kids who doesn't sleep. And I mean -- she really didn't sleep. I was lucky to get three hours of sleep in 24 for the first year. I vowed I would never have another child as I really struggled for the 1st 18 months or so.

Being old and having had so many miscarriages I never thought I would conceive again. At the age of 43, when my DD was 14 months old, I did. I knew I should have been happy as so many women out there are trying to conceive at that age but I fell into a lowness, maybe even a mild depression. I felt bereft and stunned. My DD still wasn't sleeping much, I had only just stopped breastfeeding and was starting to feel like 'me' again. Also I was trying to get my career back on track. My husband goes away a lot for work, and we have a tiny house, very little money, and no family in this country. So it was with all these factors running around in my head I decided to have a termination (I did seek counselling but it was rubbish and unhelpful) as I just felt I couldn't go through with a traumatic birth (my first one had been awful and traumatic) and another sleepless child. My DH did want the second baby and kept saying we would 'muddle through'. I felt resentful at his attitude as his life had changed very little since our DD arrived, and yet mine had been shattered by her arrival.

But now that she is four and a half, and everyone around me is onto their second or third child, I feel as if I have made a HUGE mistake. If I had never gotten pregnant with the 2nd child in the first place I think I would be happy, as I love my DD, I love my DH and I love my work. These 3 aspects of my life work well together. But, the fact I could have given my DD a sibling (and she would like one, she has made that clear) is what is eating away at me. I feel I have let her down (on a good day) and that I have pretty much ruined her life (on a bad day). Seeing her playing alone or watching her observe her friends with siblings breaks my heart. "She could be kissing her little brother or sister" I think to myself. But she is destined to never know what sibling love will feel like. This is something I find impossible to deal with.

Any thoughts or ideas would be really appreciated.

I wonder if it would help if you separated the different issues here?

You say that if you hadn't had the second pregnancy and had just had the one child, you would be mainly content, as you have a very happy family dynamic. I think its normal for lots of people with one child to get a bit wistful when they see their child interact with younger children, and see what a good big sister/brother they would have been. Studies have shown that only children are as happy, or happier than children with siblings, so there isn't in reality anything to feel guilty about making such a choice for your DD.

Feeling sad that you haven't got another child is a different matter, and something that many parents, whether they have one child or six, have to come to terms with. You see it all the time on mumsnet - the mum with two boys desperately craves a girl to do pink with, and fantasizes about passing on her mothering skills to her; the mum of three who grew up in a family of five siblings wants the full-on family Christmas with an extra table needed to accommodate all the children, with at least two highchairs at the end.

Feeling guilt about a termination is another issue again, which is also experienced by women who have no, three or 10 children. It's a well-trodden path so there are sources of support and help available if you feel you need to explore this further. I think this is also complicated by the fact your DH wanted to have the baby, but you felt resentful about what having a baby would mean for him versus you.

My main point though is that I feel very strongly that we have to be kind to ourselves about the decisions we have made in the past. We make those decisions using all the information we have at our fingertips at the time. We can't re-make those decisions with the benefit of hindsight, so we have to be gentle and forgiving with our former selves who made those decisions - even if they turn out to be 'wrong' ones. You decided to have a termination taking into full consideration your mental health at the time, your fears about childbirth and sleep deprivation, your perceived likelihood of getting PND again, and consequent damage to your DD and family. It's easy in hindsight to beat yourself up about it, to think perhaps you should have done differently. Even if you say 'I wish I had a second child in my family now' (and are you actually saying that anyway? I'm not sure you are) the decision you made in the past was made to the best of your ability at the time, so it can never be anything other than the right decision.

I think I'm trying to say that lots of mums in this section of mumsnet need to be kinder to themselves.

Llanarth your words are incredible. I have noticed your name on other threads about this topic and what you say is all very true and meaningful. In fact I was seeing a great counselor sadly I wasn't seeing her at the time of my termination -- and she talked of being kind to my former self and trusting myself at the time and taking on board the importance of the factors I was considering. I guess on an intellectual level I 'know' all this. It is a matter of feeling it or knowing it on some deeper level. I am surrounded by large families who seem so happy and bubbly and my little gang is so small and quiet, we seem a bit sad in comparison. In fact out of 60 children in my DD's reception class there are only 3 other singletons. Everyone else has at least one sibling.

I think if I were around more parents with one child I would feel better. But I am very much in the minority and it makes me feel somehow that I am a crap mother and not maternal enough. I have lost track of the number of times people have said 'just the one then?' and looked at me with 'that' look akin to being a child abuser.

But thank you for taking the time to answer my posting. I think beating oneself up is a very female trait. Many of us need to learn to be kind to ourselves.

Llanarth has said it all, I think, and said it very beautifully. Be kind to yourself. And FidgetySheep is right too - don't overlook the positives of being a family of three.

For anyone who wants to spend time with other mothers-of-one, there's an open invitation to the tea room here. It has regular customers in most time zones and rarely closes - it's normally at the top of the list of one child family threads.

I share a lot of your feelings, I have an only child and had a termination, and the 'what if' question eats away at me constantly. My situation is slightly different to yours in that the termination was as a result of a Downs diagnosis. The pregnancy was unplanned, and I'm not sure whether I would have ttc a second child as I had terrible sickness and felt ill through my whole pregnancy. I also felt depressed as you describe and struggled with the tiny baby stage.

I know exactly what you mean about feeling you would be happy if you'd never been pregnant in the first place. I also have a great DS/husband/career but can't stop thinking about having a second child, and it's 2.5 years since I lost my baby girl. The trouble is I've now turned 40, I know I could have a go if I wanted but am terrified of it happening again.

DS is my little superstar, love him to bits and he's happy, confident, has great social skills and rarely mentions having a sibling. But last night I was very aware that he was the only one trick or treating alone - huge guilt.

Not much help to you I know, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your feelings, I think the bond with a baby happens immediately you are pregnant, and the child you lost is always there in some way.

Hello there BeingHumum,

Thanks for your insights as well. I do feel a bit like a freak as there are so few women out there who have had terminations AFTER having a child. The one I had before I had a baby was so easy, in a sense. As it was a decision for me alone and I know it was the right one and I never wonder about that baby or feel I made a mistake. I didn't love the father and had no plans to stay with him and didn't want to be a single mum. But once you have a child the decision suddenly has much larger repercussions. Your decision must have also been a hard one, even with a downs diagnosis. I can imagine the pain of making it. But again you, like me, did what we felt was best for the people who were already in our lives, and for ourselves as well. And we have to trust that.

And on the good side, you are ONLY 40 (from my 46-year-old vantage point that seems incredibly young) and could have another go. The chances of a second diagnosis are probably quite small, maybe?

As for the guilt you mention. I feel it 24/7 practically. But then I tell myself that not having siblings can't be the worst thing in life! My DD has lots of friends and is always busy and has a great life.

I guess in some ways one just has to carry this guilt/burden around with one and try and deal with it as best as one can, and hope that by facing it, it gradually becomes something one is reconciled to.

I second what everyone else has said. There's not much I can add to that really and feel for you immensly.

In terms of how your daughter might feel though - I always say you can't miss something you've never had. And there's plenty of children who don't get on with siblings and wish they were an only child (I was one!). It works both ways.

My ds is an only child. There may be an option for another in the future, but I wouldn't be fussed either way - I certainly don't think it'll have a major negative effect on him whatever happens.

I definitely wouldn't worry about it in terms of how your daughter might feel. Although you do need to be kinder to yourself and concentrate on how you feel about it.