What worries you about your only? And what solutions do you have for those problems?

[VickyandAlistair]

I have a DS, 12 months old. He is truly wonderful, he's kind, sweet, funny and intelligent. But I know, and have always known, ever since I found out I was expecting, that I would only want 1 child. These feelings weren't helped by a pretty horrid pregnancy - I was horribly sick and hormonal. However, since having my DS, it seems that everyone has an opinion about him being an only, every time I say that I am not having anymore, all I hear is 'you'll change your mind' 'you don't mean that' 'do you never want a daughter then?' 'what about Ali? You can't do that to him?' I'm so sick of people guilt tripping me! Almost to the point where I waver, and its only after some thought that I return to how I really feel, that I don't want more than one. However, I do worry about my DS and how his life will be with no siblings. I worry that he will be lonely, that one day, myself and DH will be old and possibly ill and he'll be dealing with all that alone. Will he hate me one day for his loneliness? I need some reassurance really, am I the only mother of 1 who feels this way?

Hi Vicky. I have one DS age 7. I think all these things probably crossed my mind at some point. All I can say is that my DS is sociable, caring and very kind to his friends' younger siblings. He's very popular with all his friends. I did try to make sure that he had access to lots of other children as he grew, but can't honestly say hand on heart if that has made him this way or not. He loves being with other children but equally likes having his own space and is very self sufficient. His best friend regularly comes for sleep overs and always says he likes it at our house, as there are "no annoying sisters taking my stuff" . With regards to caring for us on his own in our dotage there is no guarantee that any burden of that nature would be shared with siblings. My DP has a brother whom he has virtually no relationship with as an adult, despite them being very close growing up - no big falling out, just have "grown apart" if you like. My niece is also an only and is now 22 and is a fab young lady, very caring, very outgoing and popular. It's hard to deal with other people's comments and opinions (believe me, I've had plenty!), and also your own worries. But I really don't think there's much rhyme or reason to these things. Some adults I know grew up with siblings and describe feeling lonely, either due to an age gap, or they just didn't get on! Sorry this is muddled, I'm in a bit of a rush! HTH.

Honestly, none of these things have ever occurred to me and no one has ever said them to me.

Siblings does not promise you won't be lonely. Or that one child won't wind up dealing with aging parents.

I don't really worry about anything so much anymore.

I used to get all those questions from other people too but they stop when your only reaches about 4 years. You're right in the thick of it now unfortunately because people expect you to be planning another.

It just ceases to be much of an issue when it's not being drawn to your attention all the time.

Most problems can be worked around. For example, lots of weekend playdates organised so they don't get bored.

Ps. I don't really worry about the old age thing too much either. I feel DD will cope with it one way or another, if I provide financially for it.

I don't have any worries regarding my DD being an only child, because I'm an only myself and had a happy childhood and a not lonely as an adult either. I have also not, in 3 years, had to defend my decision to have an only child.

Bottom line, no worries!

Re: old age, I have an older sister and brother, but dealt with 100% of the care duties for both parents until they passed away. My siblings were not helpful in the slightest and only showed an interest when they thought there might be some inheritance.

Having a sibling might mean you worry less about these things but in reality it might make no difference to the outcome.

I am very similar to you, VickyandAlistair, in the guilt and wavering, but my DS is nearly 9 now, and I am nearly 40, and people have finally accepted that I am not having another. Good friends do not comment on it or make judgements, and although I do worry about what will happen every now and then, in the long run I feel that life can be so unpredictable and have so many variables that we just have to do what we believe is best for our DC and for us. DH and I really didn't want another, and our little family is happy as it is, so let the future take care of itself.

I'm so glad I found this thread!
My DS is only 4.5 months old and he will be an only child. I needed fertility treatment and then had terrible PND but he's a gorgeous little boy. We attend lots of M&B groups so he has interaction with others .

happydotcom, giving your DS lots of opportunities to socialise is the key thing to encouraging a happy child. My parents always encouraged me to play with other children and I have very happy memories. But at the same time I remember also enjoying lots of time alone (I was a voracious reader but also had a brilliant imagination so could be alone for ages) and also lots of time just with mum and dad.

My own DD (3) is an only but she's got lots of friends at nursery and seems to make a new friend each time she goes to the park :) I encourage this. Yet also I leave her alone alot at home and she also loves playing on her own alot too.

I worry about my dd not having nieces or nephews, I worry that she is missing out on something special, however on the plus side dd gets lots of attention lots of days out that I probably woouldn't be able to afford if had more children. She is a happy sociable little girl so I do try not to think about it too much!!

I figure that if DD ends up looking after me/DH/both all by herself one day, with no husband or partner, no children, no friends, no one at all, to support and help her, far more will have gone wrong in her life than not having a sibling. A sibling gives a child just a little extra chance of support in that context; it's not a guarantee, and NOT having a sibling isn't a guarantee the child will be doing it all by themselves one day.

"Do you never want a daughter then?" is a new low of stupid comment - I wonder if my friends with three DSs get asked this? Or my acquaintance who's just had her FOURTH DS? It's not as though you could guarantee it ... silly people.

Anyway, two things helped me get over thinking in a similar way. One, asking myself did I actually intend to do anything about it, was I going to allow the doubts to direct me into having a second child, or was I just going to beat myself up about it? And two, the passage of time. I'm nearly 40, DD is 7, it's too late to create the kind of sibling relationship that I do slightly envy (childhood siblings, not fussed about adulthood TBH) so no point fretting about it.

Hi Vicky,

Lots of groups and classes keep them busy and social - swimming, karate, after-school club, junior Chruch, Boy's Brigade, Beavers starts at Easter, and with just the 1, I can afford to indulge DS with them.

DS says "Good, no babies with too much crying and stinky bums, and no eating my sweeties".

As for getting older and coping - just because you have a sibling, doesn't mean you'll get any help. I'm an eldest and my sister runs off when there is any sort of family crisis. My parents have even named me as their sole something [the person that makes finanical and medical decisions if they get dementia...can't remember the name] as even they say my sister would just dump them in a nursing home and go on holiday. I've sorted out my will [and living will] already so that everything is already taken care of, so all my DS would ever need to do is just follow the instructions.

People make those comments because the majority of folk do have more than one child and ime most of these people deny that they will have a second when asked. I guess it is just nobody else's business when you plan to get pregnant.

So lesson one is ignore the questions and comments, pretty much all mums get them, it's seemingly open shop for the world to make knowing comments about family size/ balance of the sexes within families/ age gaps etc.

My dd is 12 and has always been a happy child. she has never wanted a sibling. She is happy in her won company, in the company of her parents or other adults and in the company of other children - although she is not mad on spending time with young children. She very very rarely complains of feeling lonely. I had a sibling but also had a very lonely childhood.

Your child will build strong friendships and relationships and will not be alone. As for needing to help you when you are old, make financial provision for yourself such that you won't be a financial burden, and keep up your social networks as an older person. Lots of people who have siblings end up dealing with their parents alone, there are no guarentees. Your ds will manage his life and hopefully have a supportive partner.

There are many many pluses to being an only child. My cousin told me he had his second child for the sake of the first child which I have to say I found seriously bizarre. Enjoy your life with your child and stop the worrying - it gets in the way of being happy in the present.