HAVE I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE?

[icecoldcoffee]

My DS is 7 and has always seemed happy being an only and I must admit, I've enjoyed only having him and being able to give him my full attention. DH and I both had a hard time adjusting to parenthood, he was a difficult, unhappy baby and I found it extremely difficult at times.

Over the years I have gone round and round in circles trying to decide whether to have another (I've posted before on this and came to the conclusion that I was happy as we were). We have never actively tried to conceive. Try as I might, I just couldn't let myself try. My husband at one point would have gone for it, but now says it's too late, there would be too big an age gap and I'm too old.

I agree with all of this and I don't actually want to go through a pregnancy and the baby stuff again, and in any case, I'm 43 now-I'm sure it wouldn't be easy to get pregnant!

I can't let go of the fact that I will never have a daughter. I feel judged by others for only having one. I am always looking for other parents with one when I am out to make me feel normal. I just feel so sad at the moment. I feel like I've made a mistake and should have had another when DS was younger.

I can't seem to live in the present. I fantasise all the time about what my daughter would look like. I feel jealous of people with daughters. I drool over girls baby clothes. I feel a sense of loss.

Has anyone had regrets about this?

I think lots of people go through a grief process when they either can't have any more, or decide that's definitely it and they won't have any more. And not just parents of onlies - same for other families, eg where they have 2 boys or 2 girls, or even one of each, and miss the possibility of another baby.

It doesn't mean that you've made the wrong choice, just that you've made a choice that limits other choices, and you have to find ways of being OK about it.

I doubt anyone is judging you for just having the one - that's just you projecting your own negative feelings about it onto them.

Have you just started feeling like this (in which case I think it will pass on its own) or have you been struggling with it all along? If its a longterm thing, maybe its worth asking the GP for a referral to someone? If you could talk through your feelings with someone unconnected, it might help you to see why you feel this way, and how you can move on from it.

Thanks AMumInScotland. I have driven myself half demented by trying to decide over the last 4-5 years whether to have another. I came to the conclusion that if I had really wanted another baby, then I would have had one. (4-5 years is a long time to be mulling it over )

It's just over the last year, I've really started to realise that that is probably it for me and in the meantime, two of my friends have had (un-planned) daughters. Half of me feels envious, the other half relieved. I can't help thinking that in a couple of years when my DS is 9ish and is really starting to grow up, I will have no-one needing me-I won't be "mummy" to a little one anymore.

Then I don't think it's an "only child" thing so much as a "last child" thing. The feeling that this is it, we won't be coming this way again, we haven't done it as well or as thoroughly as we'd hoped and now there isn't going to be another go at it. That sort of thing?

I've had patches of feeling that way, and I think it's pretty normal - you see threads on here saying "My youngest is starting school, AIBU to want another baby?" etc. I guess the only child thing gets into the mix as well - you had never entirely decided not to have another, so you have lots of "what might have been" thoughts about the other child(ren) you could have had by now if you'd made a different choice a few years back.

I'm not sure what makes it feel better tbh - as I say I've had odd periods of feeling "funny" about the fact that there won't be any more playdates, school plays, this or that. But I have never really seriously considered having a second, so it was maybe less complicated.

But you never stop being "mum" even when they are grown up - DS will turn 18 soon, but I'm still his mum, still important to him, even if its for advice about handing in assignments rather than checking his homework!

yes, you're right. It's a mixture of both of these feelings.

I also feel like I've wasted a lot of time worrying whether I should have another instead of just enjoying what I've got. It's taken up a lot of headspace.

As DS was a hard baby, I also wonder if I could have done the whole thing better with an easy-going baby.

It makes me feel so old to think that I probably wouldn't be able to conceive even if I wanted to.

I'm not sure how relevant this is but your last post made me think of a thread I was reading on another forum today, where lots of mums (of one) commented that part of their desire to have another child was about 'making up' for the 'mistakes' (as they saw them) they made with their first (e.g. if they hadn't been able to breastfeed, they wanted another baby so they could breastfeed, if they had PND after the birth, they wanted to see what it was like to nurture without depression, if they had a high-intervention birth they wanted to experience a natural home birth etc etc).

It sounds as though you had a really hard time with your DS so I wonder if that might be part of the issue - you feel you want/are owed/need to have a more positive experience of early motherhood with a easy-going baby?

Hi Llanarth. That's interesting. I didn't enjoy a lot of the early months with my DS. I wouldn't say I had full blown PND but it wasn't something that I looked forward to going through again. Many of my friends said "you'll have an easier time with the second one" but I was too scared to take that chance. I always would wonder what it would be like to have a contented baby who was smiling 90% of the time. I feel irrational anger and jealousy towards friends who had easy going babies.

Another mum at school has just given birth to a baby girl two days ago. I feel so envious. I feel as if I've made a dreadful mistake not having another and it's going to be something that I will always regret and wonder "what if". But another part of me thinks "what if you'd had a hard time again, what if you hadn't had the daughter that you crave?". This has always been the problem-I've thought about it too much instead of just doing anything about it.

I am relieved (in a strange way) to see that I am not the only one in the depth of misery about having to decide if our son will be the first and the last. I am 41, so at possibly the last few years when I should make a decision and can't. I am already grieving the unborn child that could have been mostly, as for lots of reason (old, not much energy with a toddler and a full-time job, money issues, our son being very demanding, the birth having been traumatising...). In short, I haven't found the answer yet, but like you, I am thinking too much about it and feel like I am a wimp for not trying for the second one, when everybody I know is already doing that. It's a sort of guilt also, to know that we won't give my son a sibling. On the other hand, I may have to accept that I'm just not ready for another child and will never be, but that's hard. I think part of the problem is that one-child only families are not encouraged in our society so we feel that we should have more, just to conform to the ideal number. Let me know what you think!

Hi Cat. Yes, you could be me. I feel exactly the same. Only this morning, it's been going round and round in my head. I mentioned to DH last night about another and he's totally against it.

I think about it so much, it stops me enjoying my life and what I have got.

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"I also feel like I've wasted a lot of time worrying whether I should have another instead of just enjoying what I've got." I think you should resolve to start enjoying what you've got here and now. I agree with the poster who says that your pangs sound a lot like those of any mum seeing their youngest child grow up. I have two dcs - a boy and a girl - now aged 8 and 10 and I'm just starting to think about the fact that soon they'll be grown up and they won't need me any more etc etc. Counting the years until they finish school, feeling nostalgic for the baby days when I see friends who have just had babies, wondering if I should have had more than two (although until now I only ever wanted two) just so I'd have another lo bringing up the rear. Whenever I start thinking about this I think about what my mum says every time she hears someone moaning about getting older: "You'll never be as young as you are today" - it's no good wishing you could turn the clock back, you need to make the most of today. Your son is only seven - you have years of his childhood still to come, make sure you enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with having only one child. If you had another one now after such a long gap it would be just like having another only one. As for having daughter, there are no guarantees my old next-door-neighbour had five boys before she called a halt!

Hi Lillian, I have gone over all this with friends but feel I can't go on any more about it as they've heard it all before. I know everything you've said is right and I've heard it from friends and family.

I am so split. Sometimes the the feeling that I want a daughter is so strong, it's a physical ache. Other times, I just feel relieved I only have DS. I feel that I want a bigger family but I just can't face a pregnancy and the baby years. That's always been the problem. Also, we have no family near us, I gave up my job and stayed at home and I feel like a drudge sometimes although I'm glad I did it for DS. But this feeling keeps popping up-if I could just take a pill and stop the thoughts I would.

I'm having massive fears that I'm going to regret my decision when I'm older. I always knew it was a gamble and that it may turn out like this but I was hoping that I would feel content and at peace with my decision but it's not the case.

Sometimes the the feeling that I want a daughter is so strong, it's a physical ache - I think you just have to get over this. That is not meant to sound unsympathetic, I just mean that even if you did decide to have another baby there is no guarantee it would be a girl. In a world where we can be in control of almost everything that is one thing we have no control over and you just have to accept it.
I want a bigger family but I just can't face a pregnancy and the baby years I have to say I found the decision to have a second child when dd was just just 15 months old the hardest decision I have ever made, much harder than the decision to start a family in the first place. In the end you just have to jump - there is no time to over-think it otherwise the moment is gone. At 43 you might be able to squeeze another one in, but you certainly haven't got years to dither over the pros and cons. In any case as I said in my previous post with a seven year age gap you are not talking about a playmate for son - or at least not for some years yet.
Other times, I just feel relieved I only have DS - that's what you need to focus on. You have a 7-year-old son and I bet he is absolutely gorgeous. Have a search through the forums on here and find the threads about the joys of having an only child - there are pros and cons to every situation and you need the think about the pros. Imagine if you had had another child, and it was another boy and you'd had PND again casting a cloud over ds's childhood.
I'm having massive fears that I'm going to regret my decision when I'm older You need to start living in the present - look at what you have, look at your little boy, start making the most of him and enjoying all the special moments you have - make sure you don't only enjoy it in restrospect, don't look back and say: "DS was so gorgeous, but I never really appreciated it at the time because I was so busy thinking how things might have been better if they were different". Ds only has one childhood - don't let yourself have any regrets about that.

Thanks Lillian-sorry I took so long to reply.

You are spot on with what you are saying. It just doesn't stop going round in my head but I am trying to just appreciate what I've got.

I may look into some counselling. I need to come to terms with the feelings of regret and let go of the "what if"'s.

I just wondered how you are icecold? I have stumbled on this thread as I am (sort of) in a similar boat, at least with the needing to let go of the "what ifs" thing.

Are you starting to find any peace with things? I confess I am looking for ideas!

LilianGish speaks very wisely, I think.

Just joined this and it is ringing true for me as well. As a 46-year old I need to give up any thoughts of giving my DD a sibling! I started late and did have the chance to give her a sibling but didn't go for it. I guess that speaks volumes. I agree that LilianGish has wise words indeed.
Part of the realisation of not having more children and the grief which goes along with it is to do with mourning a loss of a certain time in one's life that was all about having kids, not having kids, miscarriages, boyfriends, etc... as one ends one's procreative years and heads towards the dreaded menopause one's hormones can start going a bit haywire and triggering emotional states (and lots of grief). Maybe read up on perimenopause and start facing what might be the next stage in your life. But if it makes you feel any better icecoldcoffee -- I got pregnant at 43. Maybe you should just go for it?

Hi ottawa and itsonlymeagain.

Thanks for your posts. I feel much the same tbh. I have days where I feel distraught, like I've definitely made the wrong choice and other days when I feel happy with our unit of three.

If I could go back in time I think I would go for it but I feel as if it's too late now. DS is used to being an only, DH doesn't want another and I feel like gap is too big and another child would end up being like an only. I recently met two other ladies who had literally just given birth in the last couple of weeks to baby girls with a 7/8 year gap from their first and I did feel very envious. I then start thinking about how tired they must be and what hard work it is with a newborn and I'm glad it's not me! That been the trouble all along, I've talked myself out of it constantly!

I KNOW it would be hard and I just don't know if I could go there again but last month I took a couple of "risks"-although although knowing it wasn't too close to ovulation time. Needless to say, AF started today and I am split-relieved and disappointed at the same time but that's always how I feel!

Recently I've been wondering if it's living with the sense of "What if?" for the rest of my life is what scares me more than actually not having a daughter?

ottawa-how did you find it being pregnant at 43 and what did you have?

I have been through all of this and come out the other side but it is hard. I couldn't have anymore after ds or so I thought. When ds was 6 I got pregnant and none of my doctors could make a definitive decision and I had a termination only to be told later that year it woudl have been fine for me to go ahead. This was heart breaking but we got through it and ds is 17 now and we are totally happy as we are. I do tend to have a houseful of ds friends and my friends teenagers too and that is enough. I think your gap is fine btw and you are not too old either so maybe speak to your dh again.

noddy, thank you for sharing your story and so glad to hear that you are happy with the way things are now.

Recently, I had someone ask me "you just didn't want anymore then?". It's the first time anyone has ever asked me in such a blunt way and I was really taken aback and struggled to answer. I've also recently dreamt that I was pregnant and I was happy in the dream. I just want to be happy with want we have and enjoy DS's early years but it's like I can't let it go.
Everywhere we go I look at other families and check out how many children they have, I feel envious of others with girls, I look at girls baby clothes.

I'm SICK of myself and of it going round and round in my head.

I think if it is bothering you this much you do need to sort it out. I was the same I went round and round trying to decide whether to rock the boat but it was kind of decided for me. I think if my health had been better I would definitely have had another. Am still thinking of fostering and plan to investigate further next year.

I totally empathise with the sense of "what if?" possibly being the worst bit.

I have even been there with the taking risks (which like you weren't really that risky!) and then being 50% relieved and 50% dissappointed when no pregnancy materialises .

I see why noddy says you need to sort it out. I feel I need to sort myself out too.

But I'm not sure whether to go down the counselling route to try to thrash out some sort of reason behind it all, or just force things by, basically, taking Lillian's advice and just not allowing yourself to think about it.

Also the passage of time will presumably help eventually - as has happened with noddy.

What do you think you will do icecold?

Hi itsmeagain, I've thought about counselling. Although I wish I'd done it a few years ago as the longer I try to unravel it all with a counsellor, the less time I have to decide.

I just don't know. I spoke to my DH again last night and he is adamant that it's not an option now. He said he would have been happy to go for another when I was younger but not now.

I also found out yesterday that a cousin has just found out that she is unexpectedly pregnant at the age of 42 after thinking that she would only have one child. I don't really know how I feel about it TBH.

My head is telling me it's the right thing staying as we are but my heart is telling me another thing. I've heard lots of people say they have never regretted having a second/third/fourth but that it upset the status quo or they did feel resentful at being back at the nappy stage or they thought "what have I done?"

OMG this is me, me me!!!