Choosing to have an only after infertility

[Llanarth]

Hello

I've found this section of mumsnet really interesting and it's reassuring to see other people grappling with the same issues.

I'd really like to hear experiences from people who actively decided not to pursue fertility treatment after their first child was born.

I kinda feel I'm somewhere between the two camps of those who actively and positively choose to have just one child, and those who had the choice taken away from them by infertility.

Probably, with a few rounds of treatment, I could get pregnant (was lucky enough to fall pregnant first time last time). But I don't want another child enough to do that - I see and appreciate all the benefits of a family of three (and the thought of all those 5-hour round trips to the clinic, and possible failure, depresses me). At the same time, in all honesty, if I could get pregnant naturally, I would have another child by now (my main motivation being I worry that I might regret not having another child whe I get older).

I feel 'guilty' for not being prepared to try harder to have another, but another side of me wants to make a active, postive choice NOT to have more fertility treatment and sing from the rooftops about the benefits of having just one child.

I'm not a 'sadly we couldn't have another' Mum, nor am I a 'We chose to just have one' Mum. I'm somewhere in between!

Does anyone else feel like this (or do my ramblings make no sense whatsoever!)?

They do make sense to me. I had our DD after lasar treatment on my ovaries (PCOS) and one round of chlomid. I hated it and DH and I agreed we would remain childless.
I found out I was pregnant after moving to the ME. I hated being pregnant (and had a horribly medically interventionist pregnancy) that I decided I would have my tubes tied when she was born by CS. The dcoctor wouldn't do that because I may change my mind
FF 9.9 years, I am now nearly 47 mid menopause and I wouldn't have another baby for all the tea in china.
You have to make the decision regarding what is right for you.
Good luck.

I'm exactly the same as you, somewhere between not being able to have another and choosing not to. DD is 5 yrs old now.
I'm surprised at how happy we are as a family of just 3. I do get pangs of longing for another but when I see families with more kids I realise that actually it does mean less time for each child and less money to spend too.

I actively choose not to have any further treatment which means this is probably it for us.

Thank you for your responses, glad I'm not alone.

Moodymama Do you mind me asking, when you say you still occasionally have pangs, are these pangs for not having another child per se, or pangs for not trying harder to have another child?

I'm also in a very similar position. DS (23 months) was conceived on clomid, so I could conceivably have a second child the same way. However, I very much feel that I just don't want to go back there - fertility clinics are a closed chapter in my life, with too many bad associations. On top of that, DS was a seriously tough baby with major sleep issues!!!

Of course, with DS still being so young, I haven't yet felt any longing or pangs for a second, but I am very content with our little family as it is.

Llanarth - Both. Sometimes I feel I should have tried, although logically I know that the pressure that infertility put on us before having DD was so bad that nothing is worth going through it again.
I actually had a pg scare not long ago and was shocked to find myself quite horrified at the thought of having another! I got used to the idea though and even somewhat excited, but it wasn't to be, and afterwards I really wasn't too bothered that it hadn't happened.
I really think I'm happy enough as I am, but if another one was to come along I'd cope with that too. However I have been dropping hints to DH about getting a vasectomy!

My situation was fairly close to yours, OP. It took some very high-end medical intervention to conceive dd. We went through the treatment with the attitude that if we had one baby - victory snatched from the jaws of reproductive defeat - that would be enough for us. I had a wibble when she was a few months old, but it was only a wibble. The urge to have another baby was never strong enough to overcome the feeling that the treatment had been invasive, tiring and nerve-wracking and I didn't want to go through it again, especially as it may not have been successful.

I very much like being a family of three!

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud - we still feel so incredibly grateful to have managed one, especially as I have friends still trying to concieve after years of treatment.

We used donor sperm to conceive and when we went back to the clinic to ask about having a sibling with the same donor, we were told that none of the other 10 families that had used the donor to concieve their child had come back to ask about having a sibling so lots of people must be happy with one/not want to revisit infertility again (of course it might be something to do with a genetic disposition to major sleep problems - like you LukeyLou that has contributed to our decision!)

I've never been wibbly in an emotional sense (hand me a baby and I'll hand it straight back!) but I am feeling a little 'left behind' as most my friends now have had their second. And I worry I'm suddenly going to get broody when my clock is ticking its last tock, and wish I'd done something about it when I could.

I understand, Llanarth. My wibble coincided with a NCT group reunion, when one of the others (who knew that two of us in the group had been incredibly lucky to have one baby) nevertheless started wittering on about when we have our second babies. As things currently stand, half of the original babies remain onlies and the others now have siblings (four, in one case).

I can see how one could feel 'left behind' but I prefer to think of it the other way round - we are 'moving on' while the others are left behind with the nappy bucket and the Bugaboo. Maybe this is self-deception, but it worked for me! We have a very nice life now and can do things that would be prohibitively expensive or simply unfeasible with babies and toddlers in tow.

Do drop in to the tea room, ladies, at any time - it's open pretty much round the clock.

Great topic, Llanarth, and yes, that's sort of where we are too.

We also went though a lot of serious high tech intervention to get our beautiful DS (3.4), and as you so poetically put it, Maud, it was "victory snatched from the jaws of reproductive defeat" for us too. So having DS was and is a dream come true and we are just so, so happy to be parents at all after having looked down the barrel of the childless future shotgun for such a long time.

There are for us too lots of things we love about it just being the three of us - and when I started to list the reasons why it wouldn't make sense and might well be physically impossible for us to have another (even with treatment, if we could face it again) - it was too long to post! (Will just mention that sleep was and is a very big issue for us too.) And I feel sort of embarrassed that at an age where it really isn't at all likely, I confess to even thinking about it!

And yet... the longing is kind of there. Whether it makes sense or would be viable or not, there is a part of me that really does want to have another baby, and I'm fairly sure that if DH and I had had the good fortune to meet a decade or two good few years earlier, we would have had more.

And the fact I'm not yet actually menopausal gives me "hope", as does the story of a RL friend of a friend who conceived naturally at an even more advanced age than I am now; my brain has squirreled away this nugget of information and turned it into the real possibility that it could happen to me too.

I really wonder what we would choose if we had no age/fertility issues and could have another quite easily if we wanted to. Kind of gutted that we don't have that choice really, and it's still an ouch every single time I hear that someone else is pregnant again; but we'll probably just have to bow to the inevitable, I guess, and focus on the benefits of having our wonderful only.

[slight hijack alert]
Hi Maud, nice to see you - have been horribly ill all week, so haven't dropped into the tea room lately. Have I missed much?!

[continues the hijack]

Dunno, Secret, I've been away. Let's go and look .....

::Maud and Secret go skipping hand-in-hand towards the tea room, beckoning to the others to come too::

Ooh, I fit in here too. I found out that I would have trouble conceiving 9 years ago and abandoned all contraception then (was already with DH and although we weren't really ready we thought we may as well as the odds were very poor). Started fertility treatment 5 years ago and DS is now 18 months.

After DS was born we decided not to try for another. I do wonder if subconsciously I'm just scared to start wanting another as I'm sure it would lead to treatment and I don't think I could face the stress of fertility clinics again either, especially with DS to consider. But I genuinely feel that I don't want another. The pregnancy was great, DS is lovely and I just feel like we are done.

I think that after 9 years of trying (to varying degrees) I'm still adjusting to my new mindset. Fertility was such a huge issue in my life for such a long time and it's strange that it really doesn't matter now.

Hi
I'm a lurker so hope you don't mind me joining in :)
Llanarth I'm in a similar position, I had DS in 2005 after our first round of IVF - we were very lucky. He is fab and we are very happy, the only time I get pangs is when I see film of him when he was a baby - soooo cute. Anyhow, we feel we are done BUT last Summer I found myself pregnant, this was a HUGE shock, it took me a week to stop crying and get my head round it. I then discovered it was an ectopic pregnancy and sadly miscarried. This opened a whole new can of worms as I felt we'd been given something we didn't expect or particularly want and then got used to the idea and it was taken away :( To make matters worse my doctor gave me a due date. I felt very guilty for a long time.
Anyhow, 6 months on, I'm still very confused about it but DS doesn't want any siblings apart from his guinea pigs, DH is really happy and I feel more content now. I've started part time work and feel we are moving forward together. Apologies for the rambling.

Hi berylmuspratt so sorry about your ectopic and miscarriage. It must have been a really confusing time emotionally. But it's great you've been able to regroup and now feel you are moving forward together as a complete family.

Thanks Llanarth.