I hate having one child and I need to get over it ..... sorry its long!

[MrsNorthman]

I turned 40 last August and was coming round to the idea that having another child was not going to happen but I have a surge of wanting to give it one last last go. Here is a bit of background:

After trying since 2000 to have a baby, I had a miscarriage in late 2002 but got pregnant again soon after and had DS in 2003.

I had a bit of a crappy pregnancy as suffered back problems all the way through while working full time for a company who had never had a pregnant person work for them (i.e. they were crap) then, four weeks before DS was due I slipped a disc resulting in DS having to be induced 3 weeks early, but he was fine at 8lb 8oz so quite pleased he didn't make it to full term as god knows what he'd have weighed . Long birth (23 hours), full epesiotomy (sp?).

Took ages to recover and was happy to have DS and no more children because preg and birth so difficult. Everything was fine and dandy!

In 2006 was diagnosed with a vaginal prolapse and fitted with a ring pessary and now I had to decide whether or not to have more children as I would need an operation that can only be performed once or that they might need to do a hystorectomy. Of course we decided we'd try for another baby. For those of you that don't know what a ring pessary is .... its a PVC ring the size of a bangle that you'd wear round your wrist that I have to wear inside my vagina to stop it falling out (sorry tmi)! Basically sex is not impossible of course but not pleasant or easy.

In 2007 I got pregnant twice and suffered miscarriages both times.

No more pregnancies.

In Jan 2010 we had one course of IUI which on paper was perfect. Perfect follicles, perfect sperm. It didn't work.

Not convinced by IUI and IVF not an option financially for us we decided to carry on trying anyway. But halfway through the year I threw in the towel.

But now I want to try again as I cannot get my head round not having any more children. I know its not a bed full of roses and siblings don't always get on. Only children are happy and you could have 4 kids and they all move to Australia. But I always envisioned a big family sitting round my table. Friends have had two or three kids since DS was born and I know we are so lucky to have him but .....

I think that psycologically the pitfalls and obsticles in our way have ground us down but still have kept us hungry for a result. Time is running out and i'm gutted.

I know I just have to get on with it and I do. We have lovely family time, holidays, days out, Christmases and I know i'm so lucky that I get to go to nativity plays and something as simple and mundane as the school gates that other women don't even get to do. But i'm still gutted!

Sorry guys I had to get this off my chest.

MrsN - I'm really sorry for all the pain you have suffered physically and emotionally but I'm going to give you some tough love. Here goes:

You want more children but can't have them - tough!! Life often doesn't deliver what we most yearn for but you need to look at what you have and be bloody thankful sometimes. You must have a solid relationship with your dh to have endured what you have been through so nuture that. You say you have lovely family times so carry on enjoying your ds rather than wasting time longing for what you cannot have.

I have an only by choice but I wish my parents hadn't both died youngish meaning I've spent most of my adult life without them. I wish the relationship between my three sibs hadn't been splintered by our parents' deaths and they weren't such inadequate aunts/uncles to my DD. But as I said to you - that's just tough.

What else do you have (job, volunteer work) that would help take the focus off your desire for another child and therefore enjoy your lovely family of three?

Sometimes though we understand life is tough,without 'reasoning' its harder to carry,if someone said to OP you cant have any more children because of xyz,then maybe that would be her full stop.

Everything happens for a reason,whats meant to be finds a way are all trite sayings I know but maybe jusy maybe this is your 'lot' in life to have one child you adore to have just one child you can support unendingly.

At the moment you are in a 'limbo' but I think if you can say to yourself right we have until x date to fall pregnant naturally,you can youve done it before after x date thats it I will sort out my health and conv=centrate on being a mum to dc1.

You have somehow got to reach this point for your own peace and your dh and dc too.

My friend has an only too she would have loved more,however her saying is 'you cant improve on perfection and she hit it first time'.

Sorry if I came across as harsh, MrsN. I think I'm a bit pissed off with the only child thread in AIBU (which I vowed not to read but did )

mrsnorthman - so sorry for you. I wish there was something to say that could help you.

any more replies for mrs northman

I think the tearoom ladies should stop oggling over Mellors and venture on to the topic once in a while in order to give some support to new posters.

I read your post with tears running down my face. I feel your pain MrsN.

I am 38 and an only child myself. Despite a fantastic childhood I always said I'd never have only one child. We tried for 8 years to get my little man - and with a few rounds of IVF we were eventually very lucky and he was born this year. My pregnancy was horrendous and he was born at 33 weeks (I had obstetric cholestasis among other complications) and it was touch and go for both us at times.

I would be foolish to try again due to the risks to my health of a further pregnancy - and in any event its highly unlikely we could conceive naturally. I dont know if I stepped back on the IVF rollercoaster I could stop if we were unsuccessful. What I do know is that I do not want to go back to the very dark place I was for many years desperate to have a baby.

I know I cannot change anything - but its very difficult when my new mummy friends chat about when they are planning their next. Its not as hard as it was before having DS but I still dont know how I will come to terms with it long term.

Nickschick - my DS is my world and I say the same "why have more when I got the perfect one first time...." its a good thing to say to put a brave face on it - for others. Not entirely convinved myself yet!!

Sorry not been much help have I? but hope it helps a little that you are not alone.

Taffy sorry if it sounded trite -that wasnt my intention.

I had my son at 39 after 7 ivf attempts. If you tried so hard to have your first child then you will be grateful to have 1 as am I.

I had two more IVF attempts when I was 41 and called time on it after that as I am now 42. The truth is I think I only wanted another child so that my son could have a sibling. It does bother me slightly every now and then when I see people with more than one child not because I want another one but because it was so hard for me to have even one and because I dont even have the choice to have more. But then I combat these thoughts with the memories of my desperation when I thought I would be childless and the happiness I feel of having one.

Thanks for your replies ladies and taking the time to read my post and reply to it. I think I needed to type it out and look at it in front of me and get it off my chest.

Extremelychocolately don't worry you didn't offend and neither did anyone else. I know I must sound like i'm really hard done by, but in reality I know i'm not and that I'm extremely lucky to have DS. Some days I could slap me round my own face and tell me to get over it

I think the fact I need the op to repair my prolapse is a sort of cut off point - meaning once I have it done - thats it - but because I don't NEED it done yet, because I can go on wearing the ring pessary - makes it kind of worse - as someone said earlier - if the consultant had just said "right, you need to get this done and afterwards you won't be able to have any more children" probably would have made it all easier in a way.

I suppose the bottom line is I can't have what I want and compare myself constantly to my friends who have 2, 3 or 4 children which I KNOW is pointless and stupid and I need to stop doing it. One example of a recent conversation I found difficult was that my friends were comparing carrying boys to carrying girls - and I just sat there thinking to myself that I'd been pregnant the same number of times as both of these women and I only know what it feels like to carry a boy - but because i'd suffered miscarriages i'd never got the opportunity to find out - ridiculous isn't it - I should put my brain to better use and think of all the positives of having one child and I know there are many.

Right - thats it .... no more feeling sorry for myself - I shall now be more positive. I shall have a chat with hubby and maybe set a date and after that, put a tin lid on it.

Extremelychocolatey - I can only speak for one "tea room lady" - me - but if I tend not to venture very much onto these threads it's because I reckon everybody's already heard what I've got to say about being in the situation of one-child-family-by-force-of-circumstances-ness and probably wants to hear some different voices. I assume that people read the old threads, but maybe not?

Be that as it may, I agree with a lot of your first post (although, as you have since acknowledged, its tone is rather harsh). For one's own sanity, I think one has to train oneself to focus on what one has rather than what one lacks, because eventually it will stop feeling like a lack and will become just what is. Even more than that, I think one has to be very very careful indeed not to transmit any negative feeling about having one child to that child.

The tea room is open to anyone at any time and it's always lovely to see new people there. We used to barge into lots of threads inviting people to the tea room but often got told off for being intrusive.

Sorry to hear of your troubles, MrsN. I am currently 43 and still ttc my 2nd child, having managed to have no. 1 at the age of 40. 1 MC so far and no other pgs - haven't "thrown in the towel" yet but will in the next year, I would think. So currently I cannot offer you any advice - as I am still hoping to have 2. But as another TeaRoom lady, I have come over to explain why I can't offer you any advice, and to add my invitation to the others', that you would be more than welcome to come and share out tearoom with us.

While we mostly muck about and chat about silly stuff, serious and deep stuff comes up regularly and it is a constant source of support. So - feel free to join us - we'd love to have you along (and anyone else here).

Mrs N - you sound so strong and together taking into account what you've been through. I admire your strength, FWIW.

I'm still new. Somebody mentioned a tea-room. Please, show me the way...and what's all this mellors?

Am on iPhone so can't do links but go to Topics, then find One-Child Families, and look for turbinates called The One-Child Tea Room, version 21 - the Hawaiian Islands.
Mellors is a hunky fantasy man we've made up, he looks like whatever you want him to and is available for massages and serving drinks in the Tea Room. In my mind he looks like Angel from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Others see him as Gerard Depardieu or Daniel Craig :o

Thanks Jacksmama .

link to tea room if anyone wants to look and/or post

Mellors started life as our gardener/handyman - he's very good at putting up shelves - but over the years (eek) he has taken on a range of other duties. And sometimes he is a woman, too.

Please do come and join the tea room. As I said earlier, we stopped issuing invitations after repeatedly being told off for trying to recruit people to our sinister happy-clappy cult, but we are not a happy-clappy cult (sinister or otherwise) and would love to see some new faces.

Mrsnortham, I don't if this will help at all, but I have 3 children and most days there is some point where I think, goodness I would love to just have one, so that I could concentrate wholeheartedly on that one child and their needs.

Some days it's helping my oldest with his school work, or so that we could do activities focused on him like enjoying a nice meal out or going to the cinema, taking him to after school activities, playing with his lego or playing board games etc all things like that are very difficult to do with younger ones as well.

My middle child has a speech delay, I would love to have more time to spend helping him with that, I do sometimes wonder if he would even have these problems if he was my only one and I'd had more time to spend with him (although I try not to as I think that's the way to madness and isn't really true), he also has health problems and has stays in hospital and needs A&E visits sometimes, these would be much easier to deal with if I didn't have 2 children to sort out as well.

My youngest just has to fit in where she can, and grab what attention I can give her.

It is awful when they are all poorly at the same time, you can only sit with my at a time, also more illness comes into the house with 3 and takes longer to leave as it goes around everyone!

I would love to be able to give them my all instead of having to split myself 3 ways.

There is certainly no way to tell between carrying the boys or my girl, so I would take no notice of that, as it simply isn't true, each pregnancy is individual.

I am one of 4 myself and have no contact at all really with 2 of my siblings, the other one, I wouldn't say we are particulary close and me and my closest age sister fought like cat and dog growing up, it was awful we really, really didn't get on.

I can see what you are saying if the doctor was just saying right we have to this operation, that would be the end of it, but to have to make that decision yourself is very difficult, but I do wonder if it's time to put yourself first and just enjoy your son and concentrate completly on him and his childhood, as you say there are lots of positives about only children. I must say as well it sounds like you have a great marriage.

Absolutely no useful advice to give whatsoever, as tomorrow I'm having an op that will put paid to any chance I have of another child (and I thought I wouldn't care but somehow I do...). But wanted to say hi to the OP anyway, and re-offer the welcome and friendship/companionship of the tea room to all who need that shelter from life sometimes. It's been a lifeline for me, quite literally at times.

I hope this offers some comfort, OP.
I have 4 DCs but my DC1 was 9.5 years old when DC2 was born so can completely emphathise with your desperation for another child.From the time DC1 was about 1 year I was unbearably broody and was devastated at the prospect of her being an only. I was a lone parent too, so there was just the two of us. I had a real sadness about the situation.
Anyway, my point is this:I have seen both sides of the coin and would not change anything about my situation but there's a big big but...
Having had 3 more DCs in such quick succession (mine are aged 14yrs, 5yrs, 3yrs and 1yr now) has made me realise that they miss out on things that my DD1 had in abundance, the most important thing being time. Time is the most precious thing a parent can give a child and your DC will have lashings and lashings of it! If I knew back then what I know now I wouldn't worry half as much about her being an only.

Misfitless, i am a lone parent and at 39 & not in a relationship have all but given up hope...my ds is 8 and would dearly love a little sibling, and i would dearly love another dc, but i am beginning to think that a) i am never going to meet the right person and b) the age gap is just too big.

but guess you can counter both those thoughts !

I guess I shouldn't give up hope (feeling particularly demoralised at the mo....)

MrsN it is always sad to see a dream go by.

This may help with any feelings that onlies are unusual/missing out - Apparently 1 in 4 family households now only have 1 DC. (There was an article on the Times (paybarrier) a couple of weeks ago.)