I despise my ds being an only I wish I could turn the clock back

[meggymo]

Hi
I feel like crying that I didn,t have more children when I was fertile enough there was no reason why I should not have had more but for some reason I have ended up with one.
I cannot get my head around as to why.
The truth is that the feelings I have now about ds being an only were not there until about 4 years ago.
Now its too late I am too old just turned forty tried for 3 years to get pregnant only to find out I was undergoing early menopause.
It sealed the fate of my ds being an only.
Now I look at him all on his own nobody to share life and fun with, nobody for company on family holidays, school holidays, days out, company in the home, somebody to go off on a bike ride with down the park etc.
I hate it hate hate it.
He has no cousins of his own age I have tried to mix with other moms with children but have been let down alot.
I go out my way to invite school friends over on playdates, sleepovers, etc but its always me that does the running and I always have to make the first move with other parents and invites back are quite sparse.
My ds doesn,t mix with anyone in the nieghbourhood not sure whats wrong there.
He is now 10 and I am getting more and more down about it.
I am not sure if ds is even happy or not, as for friends there is probably only two children friends from his old infant school that he actually likes he goes off people very quickly.
What on earth have I done to him the burden of elderly parents all by himself nobody to look out for him.
Its such hard work trying to socialise him I just wish that the other parents would once in a while text me, phone me and ask if ds would like to come over to theirs for a change.
I would at least then feel as though I wasn,t just been a nuisance to them.
I know that ds has noticed that they always seem to be at ours.

oh meeggymo, i do understand , at lot of similarities here
i had my ds at 44, he is now 4 , and i am 49, he often asks for a sibling , if only..
in some ways , i think, as long as you can encourage, eg, on holidays , in the playground,they will go out of their way to make to make friends, and not be insular in the same way as larger families.
ds has done this.
and mixing as twopeople said , as much as possible, is a great idea.

What sort of personality is your ds? Outgoing/shy?

I am sorry you feel regret. Many people make choices in their lives that they in hindsight seem like errors but at the time it seemed like the right things to do.

I was an only child of older parents and there have been times when I have felt my life has been harder without siblings but now I look at friends who find relationships problematic and not really very supportive. Your life may not be the one you would have chosen but it is the life you have and the negative feelings you have will be picked up on by your son and in turn affect how he views his life. Do not spend your time in regret make the most of what you have.

"What on earth have I done to him the burden of elderly parents all by himself nobody to look out for him."

I think you never know what the future holds.
You don't know that you will definitely become a burden. You could have had 5 dc and 4 of them move away still leaving one with all the burden (have seen this scenario several times). ds might marry into a family ending up with several BIL/SILs who he gets close to.

I also get what you mean.
Im just having to accept that my ds will be an only.

At 40 i am undergoing investigations into infertility & miscarriage.

Future fertility looking bleak.

I too feel like we do all the running and organising, but i persist because its SO worth it for ds.

Also i do as much as i can possibly squeeze into life for us to do together as a family, just me & ds, or just dh & ds.
I can honestly say that i get imence pleasure out of this, and treasure it all because as a teenager he isnt going to want to know.

"immense" sorry

His teenage years are approaching, you are hospitable and welcoming, you may end up with a whole crowd of teenage boys adopting you.

There are disadvantages of larger families too, I have probably put my dds off having children for life due to their childhood.

I have two children with a seven year age gap. In many ways its like having two families.

I have found it helps my son to make friends with other families with only children. It helps to make friends with the parents as well as the children.

If it helps, there's some recent research that suggests only children are happy children. Don't beat yourself up about it.

I am on only child, my parents are both one of three children and they chose to have one as they thought life for their child would be better without siblings.

I am sorry you feel sad that you have not had more children. I guess the thing to do is embrace the positives: there are lots of threads on MD about the positives of not having siblings.

And regarding the burden of elderly parents, well, plenty of siblings fall out over the care of their parents where one does or is perceived to be doing more than the siblings.

I am sorry to hear you feel like this.

There's been lots of great advice and suggestions already. Please don't fall into the trap of romanticising sibling relationships - they are not always close or harmonious. Have you tried things like Scouts or a sports club for your son - that way, there would be guaranteed socialising with a potential group of friends every week and you wouldn't be hanging around for other mums to contact you.

Come and have a chat in the tea room if that would help - we rarely close!

meggymo very sad to read you feel like this as I am an Only. From my point of view I couldn't miss what I never had. I never missed having siblings as I never had any in the first place. I was quite happy as a child playing by myself but equally as happy playing with kids from the same neighbourhood.
I have very fond childhood memories of days out with my dad (much closer to him than my mum) and he was 40 when I was born (mum was 24).
I have DD who is 15 months, we are trying for number 2 but I only have one tube and I am nearly 41, so I am not holding my breath. If it doesn't happen it doesn't happen and I thank god everyday for DD, she is the light of my life and if she ends up an only so be it, at least I have her !

Don't be harsh on yourself.

I think it's probably natural to mourn your waning fertility even if you've got 15 kids.

FWIW, when I think about my friends, very very few of them are close to their siblings now we're in our 30s and 40s. In general one's friends are much more important than one's siblings, I find.

And on the practical side of things, even if you were pregnant right now, your DS wouldn't have the bike-rides and playmate relationship you are romantically imagining. He would be 11 by the time a new baby was born, and in all probability leaving home when a new child was only seven or eight. Being pushed to the side by the needs of a very young child when you're just starting your tricky teenage years would be very hard.

It doesn't sound as though your ds feels a strong need for more friends - from what you say. He's old enough to be asking friends round with your permission and making it clear if he wants more company.

I have a VERY sociable only dd and I try to keep up with her but realistically it has to be a compromise. Not all only dc need so much company though.

You don't have to socialise on his behalf - just follow his natural tendencies. As he gets older, it is more and more down to him.

I think you need to separate things out here, because you're covering a lot of ground -

1 - you are grieving because of the loss of your fertility, and the loss of the children you are now not going to have, and that's bringing up all sorts of regrets and "what if's". That's a legitimate feeling, and something you will need to work through, maybe talking it through with other people who've gone through an early menopause. It's going to be a difficult time at any age, but it must be specially hurtful when you were trying for another baby, as most women have had a chance to get used to the idea of no more children before their body makes it definite.

2 - you are frustrated that you are making most of the running for having other children over - it's not just mums of onlies who experience that, but I think we're often the ones with a bigger "investment" in the idea of our child needing to have playmates/buddies and feel under pressure to provide it. If the kids your DS likes are happy to come over, then does it really mater that they come to you all the time and don't invite back much (or at all)? They may have parents out at work, or siblings cluttering up their house so they can't focus on playing with their freinds when they have them over. Or you may just be good at being welcoming! As he gets older, it'll be more up to him to invite them, or make arrangements to go out together, so it will be less on your shoulders.

3 - I thnk you are massivle romanticising what its like to have a sibling - many cildren don't have much in common with their siblings and don't enjoy their company that much. Some really hate each other and send most of their time arguing. Even if you had another boy of similar age, there's no reason to think they'd be off on bike rides together.

4 - Which of you is unhappy about the situation? You or him? You say you don't even know if he's happy - I think you have to watch out that you're projecting your own unhappiness onto him. He may be fine with current friendships - why not ask him? If he wants to spend more time with people his own age, then there are loads of clubs - Scouts, football, music, drama, all kinds of things where he can spend tim with others. He may or may not make friends and meet up with them out of the club too, but that doesn't have to happen for him to have fun.

5 - finally, please stop thinking of this as being a terrible fate, or you being a burden on him in later life - that sounds like depressive thinking, not a proper assessment of the situation. Onlies can be just as happy as anyone else.

I have a philosophy that has worked very well for me, make it happen.
A friend of mine underwent an early menopause in her thirties. She had a child using donor egg IVF. If you really want a child, why not explore your options. I personally don't think 40 is too old.
I had mine at 46.

and if it helps at all (which it might not) we have an only, aged 18. He has good friends, a good social life, people to go on holiday with (we share with friends), is part of rugby clubs and drama groups and is a very relaxed and marvellous young man (even with his disabilities, which have been another challenge to overcome). All the things I worried about for his future haven't happened.

Much research happening now to say that only children tend to turn out more stable and happy than those in large families. Maybe because you can choose your friends but you can't choose your brothers and sisters, and many fight with each other rather than love each other and play nicely.

If there's ways to have another, try them. But if it doesn't work out, the future can still be a very good one.

I understand your guilt, but your situation is not unique and you sound like a wonderful Mum who gives your son a stable, loving and supportive home. Very annoying to be let down a lot.

Suggestion - post on Netmums or similar meet a mum board explaining your situ (but try not to sound too desperate!) and see if you get a response from people feeling the same. I was in a similar position with my dd1 (10 yr age gap between kids and was a lp for years) and was lucky enough to have a lp friend in a similar position (althought we didn't have a lot in common) our girls are now teenagers and are like sisters due to us helping each other out with childcare etc over the years.

And - I have a sibling in US I barely speak to and never see. My dp and his only sibling have not spoken in a few years due to mental health issues on her part.

Your DS could be in exactly the same position with a sibling because there is nothing to say that they would share interests and get on!
It is sad that you are not happy with the situation but it is best not to dwell on what might have been and to concentrate on how it is. As a teenager I am sure that if you have open house he will have friends around, if he wants them. Maybe he is naturally a bit of a loner, I think that you are projecting your feelings on to him.

Another point is that at 10 you really can't tell how they will be. My really sociable at 10 child, bubbly with lots of friends is the quiet, introverted teeenager and my shy loner at 10, is the one with the fun social life. It is really his problem, and not yours, and all you can do is to encourage friendships but get on with your own life. It doesn't help self confidence to have a mother worried about you, it is much better to have the example of a woman who goes out and has interests and friends of her own.

I dind't have siblings i could play with, the closest to me was 6 years younger. I had no cousins within 100 miles. I have awesome friends though. the best thing you can do for him is don't change area.