DH says definitely no more, I am devastated and can't seem to come to terms with it

[roslily]

We have ds 13months. Not so long ago dh decided that we could have another. So we planned when to start TTC, we talked about names etc.

I have a diagnosis of Bipolar, so I started coming off meds. Dh says I started getting jumpy etc. Then the spending review and he says we can't afford it.

He says that having ds nearly ended our relationship and was a massive mental strain on both of us. He says he doesn't want to do all that again.

I can't deal with it. I don't believe only children are disadvantaged or anything, but I don't feel we are a family yet. I can't get rid of this need, and think I will resent him.

I also feel like it is my fault. If I had coped better when ds was teeny, if I idn't have Bipolar then we could have another.

How do i deal with this?

Keep talking about it is the only way. Can you agree to discuss it again in a few weeks instead of him just saying that's it, no more? Things can change quite quickly. Are you still off the meds or are you back on? How did you feel you coped coming off them?

It's not your fault, it's your circumstances.

You can't help your health condition but you should think very carefully about another child. A second child can be more stressful than the first. Your dh is worried about you.

But Mimsy is right that you should keep talking. I think you should talk not only to your dh, but to other mums who have Bipolar and see how they felt/coped/thought about subsequent pregnancies. And get some information from your gp etc wrt coming off meds.

Thanks.

We had another chat tonight, lots of tears. He is worried about my health and ability to cope, as well as his. He feels that having one and coping is better than two and not.

On a rational level I totally see his point of view, it makes so much sense. But I can't seem to get rid of this desire, need for a second child. I'll admit that part of me feels that it is cruel to have one, even though rationally this makes no sense. To me our family just doesn't feel complete.

And I feel sad for my ds, what if he wants a sibling- what will I say "sorry I was too nuts to have another"

"I'll admit that part of me feels that it is cruel to have one".

That's ridiculous - as my dd would happily tell you (and rather offensive as I will tell you!).

What makes you think you'll feel that you are a family if you have a second child? Many mumsnetters feel broody after their second and third child?

It's not your fault that you have bi-polar but you should take your husband's views into consideration; coming off the meds is having a detrimental effect on you so please try to manage your condition for your own well-being and that of your family. Far better to have one happy child with a healthy mum and a relaxed dad than two children with very stressed parents.

Best of luck.

I know that it is totally wrong to think that, I know all the positives for only children. I suppose it comes from my own experience. I have a sister, and althoug we weren't best mates growing up, I always had someone to play with, especially on holiday.

Dh on the other hand has two brothers, but they don't get on.

I am hoping time will help. We live so far away from family, so it always feel quiet in our house. I grew up in a noisy, chaotic house and miss that.

roslily -

Bleeeaaugh - What a really horrible situation to be in! I am terribly sorry that you are going through this rough time.

I noticed that you popped into the tearoom... please do stick around I am looking forward to getting to know you better!