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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

It has happened. I'm broody. shit.

99 replies

Bingtata · 23/10/2010 19:26

We have decided. Only 1. I have been militant about it, laughed in the faces of people who smugly told me I would change my mind.

Something has happened to my hormones, I've started cooing at babies and I quite fancy one. Eek, has it happened? Can I just ignore it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

StarExpat · 24/10/2010 15:45

wow x (a lot of) posts!

I don't like it when people read a few pieces of research and think it's gold dust. Or research from only one POV. With something like this, there is a lot of argument for both sides.

I hope things get better for you, posie with the AH.

Original poster

Bingtata · 24/10/2010 15:47

Blimey, so much has gone on since this morning!

I won't address all the points raised, but I must admnit I did smile at the thought of my indoctrinating DD into not wanting a sibling - I had visions of me piping messages through loudspeakers in her room whilst she sleeps in order to brainwash her.

I wanted to make aboslutely clear that I was not posting because I'm worry about DD being an only because I'm not. I certainly wouldn't go about procreating because she wanted me to or because I felt I owed it to her because I fundamentally disagree with the notion that you should have another for the sake of the first.

I was talking about feelings of maybe having another child for its own sake, but that I do feel ambivalent about it. I think I said that I don't relate to those who feel someone is missing from their family or that they need another child.

I posted on this board because I don't think I do have a will to have another baby actually so in all honesty, I think I wanted someone to talk me out of it.

Thank you to everyone for your comments, I appreciate what everyone has taken the time to write.

OP posts:

JenaiMwahHaHaHaaaaah · 24/10/2010 15:50

Probably not the best time, Wallows.

But if starting or expanding a brood was a decision based solely on rational grounds I doubt many of us would become parents at all [hwink]

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 24/10/2010 15:50

Star...it was on radio four, undertaken primarily to look at sibling relationships. An indepth study of 173 families. The interesting thing for me, as an untidy person, is that the biggest factor in how siblings get on is whether or not they live in a tidy, organised home that is chaos free!! (oh and if you have two girls!!). What I took from that is how to improve my dcs lives, without getting rid of two of them and giving a third a sex change. I didn't see it as being very critical of boys either, just that boys need different management. I think the observations about only children was incidental, it was for me anyway!!

StarExpat · 24/10/2010 16:06

That's great Posie. It is a lovely and thorough study. Even as a teacher, there is a lot of interesting stuff from the findings :)

Just saying that there many points of view and other studies. No, I don't know the internet link to give you right this moment. I have a degree in psychology and subscribe to 2 psychology journals, packed with research and they come to me in paper form. I'm sure there's something on the internet somewhere.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 24/10/2010 16:09

Oh I do wish my initial posts on threads were as understanding and nice as my last....I do this in RL too. Do you have any research that can stop me from walking around with my feet in my mouth?

StarExpat · 24/10/2010 16:20

I used to think that "foot and mouth" disease was "foot in mouth" before I saw it written down and used to laugh and laugh whenever I heard it spoken about (this was not very long ago ).

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 24/10/2010 16:36

shushpenfold · 24/10/2010 16:38

I was 100% certain of wanting only 2 - perfect number, easy life, not too expensive etc, etc. Bloody hormones...now have 3! (Lovely though)

Mumi · 24/10/2010 17:18

"If anything I think much about being a sibling forces you to look out for number one. MUMI"

So where have I said that this is any more the case than for an only child, or that there are "rules", Posie?
That was your word, not mine - probably because you read my post in about as much haste as you rubbished it in.

WallowsInFlies · 24/10/2010 19:12

yeah i doubt we'd procreate at all if we decided on an entirely rational basis but i just think you have to see past the hormones you know, to the practical and rational stuff as well and make as balanced decision as you can.

if it's what you really want then of course go ahead but if in reality it's only when you're having a broody patch and every time it passes you feel relieved and once again sure you are doing the best sticking at the child/children you have then it's clear that it is just hormones, a phase etc.

i have a broody patch and feel like i want to be pregnant again, i want to have that baby in my arms first few weeks again, maybe even the whole first year but when i break it down i don't really want another 3 year old in 4 years time. i also then think about my son and know it wouldn't be right/fair on him in our circumstances.

for one thing my son doesn't have any contact whatsoever or support from his father. if i had another child it would have a father and he'd be the one who didn't. i couldn't do that to him. maybe if i met someone, fell in love and they loved my ds and were like a real father to him i'd feel differently but that seems pretty unlikely. i've become quite the bachelor.

drivingmisscrazy · 24/10/2010 20:37

wallows - I totally agree with you on reasons: it's the same reason our DD will be an only, although the other way round. DD is donor conceived (we are a gay couple) and has regular contact with her dad (who she loves); he is not keen to donate again (for reasons that I can't get to the bottom of, but hey). None of my friends (straight or gay) can understand why we don't just use an anonymous donor for no. 2. Well, if we'd wanted to do that, we would have picked it (and would now be on our way to 2 kids) and like you, I don't think I could bear a situation where another child did not have a father in her life where DD does - it would just seem so unfair. How would we explain it to him/her?

So I am glad that someone else sees it this way (I am at people who don't, frankly) - both situations have their upsides and downsides, but mixing them within one family would seem to me to be extremely difficult and potentially risky

WallowsInFlies · 24/10/2010 21:30

totally agree driving and glad someone else gets it.

i couldn't do it to him.

WallowsInFlies · 24/10/2010 21:37

even though it sounds like i'm praising myself can i just give you kudos for being that compassionate and rational driving?

hormones aren't everything, what we want isn't everything, what's best for our children kind of has to come first on things as big as this. not everyone thinks like that. world would be a better place if they did.

WallowsInFlies · 24/10/2010 21:38

oh, and last hijack

i hope the right man is out there for your family, you never know, someone else may appear whose just right. funnily i have more faith for you on that one than for me

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 25/10/2010 07:52

(can I just jump on here again to categorically agree that having one child is enough of a complex and considered decision to make and so fully appreciate that there are circumstances in which having one child is the best for the whole family)

as you were.

WallowsInFlies · 25/10/2010 09:04

at the risk of it turning into a love-in can i just say posie that the way you've come back from your initial posts and taken responses on the chin and clarified is impressive. gracious.

i'm just a big mouth.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 25/10/2010 09:07

I'm nice really, just takes a few attempts!!

WallowsInFlies · 25/10/2010 09:11

drivingmisscrazy · 25/10/2010 10:15

yes posie I agree: I respect that in a person. Hope your situation gets better soon

JenaiMwahHaHaHaaaaah · 25/10/2010 10:35

i don't really want another 3 year old in 4 years time

I really don't want another 3 year old in four years time [hgrin]

DS will be going to secondary in two years. Without wanting to wish away his childhood, I'm rather looking forward to it, and I'm enjoying helping to foster his greater independence and transition to young adulthood (obv. a 10 yo isn't a young adult, but he can do things now - like go off for a bit on his own in town and soemtimes bring himself home from school - that mark the begining of that in a way).

I would love to be pregnant again, hold and feed a baby. It would be lovely [whistful]
But the day in, day out clinginess of a 3yo, and later being bound to the school run (which will soon be a thing of the past for us, ds being in Y5). I don't really want to have all that crap again, delightful as it was firt time round.

I like what Cory and KatieScarlett say on this thread about "getting your life back". Must revist that next time broodiness bites [hgrin]

WallowsInFlies · 25/10/2010 10:53

i enjoy each stage transition with ds, i like it going forward. i've never wanted to hold him back or preserve a stage.

i was happy to ditch sterilised bottles at 12 months, thrilled to get rid of daytime nappies at 2, loved seeing him confidently go off to nursery at 3 and went to the primary school he'll be attending next year the other day for an open day and felt excited about him moving on and having new experiences.

and my life changes and moves on as his does. it's a journey. i can't imagine going back to the beginning, or wanting to stay at one point for a decade. maybe because i'm a late starter.

i dunno. i love my son, not 'children' if that makes any sense. he's a person, not a concept or a stage.

StarExpat · 25/10/2010 11:14

I feel that way, too. I love babies. I would love to have a little baby all the time to hold and feed and play with. But babies grow up and wanting another baby is not a good reason to have another child.

I love my DS to pieces and unlike wallows, I do at times get very weepy/sad when he grows out of a stage and moves on to the next , but I don't necessarily want to do it again, it's just adjusting to change and realising that ds is growing up (he's only 2!).

drivingmisscrazy · 25/10/2010 11:28

I suppose it's just that their growing up is so bitter-sweet - one takes such joy in the new things that they can do, and feels such loss at what has passed. But presumably this would be true however many children you had! But the point is that they feel little sadness at the passing of stages and are programmed to move onwards all the time. And I am so excited to see the little person that DD is becoming: for me it's a question of just being so privileged to have her in my life and like wallows (we seem to agree on a lot!) think about DD as a person above everything else.

Think we are unlikely to find another man to help us out (clock ticking...); but you might :) a friend of mine had her daughter at 30, brought her up on her own (DD has severe SEN) and really had given up on finding a partner to have another child with, or take on her daughter (who can be pretty challenging, as well as wonderful [hgrin]; 10 years on, she met a fabulous man, they have a DS together, and her partner is a superb father to both children. So you never know...

WallowsInFlies · 25/10/2010 11:36

blah blah blah driving [hgrin]

not sure i even want one.

is it too late to turn in your mid thirties?

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