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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Just can't decide

24 replies

shufflebum · 03/09/2010 20:36

Atm we have one DS, 17 months. He's great, the best thing that's ever happened to us. But we just can't decide whether or not we want another.
I think there are several factors that are responsible. I had an easy pregnancy, didn't enjoy it but nothing to complain about, DS was born a month early but no complications. 3 months post birth I had major health complications and was admitted to hospital for a month. It was a really difficult time and things were really tough for everyone but DH's family were amazing and my relationship with DS was thankfully unaffected despite not really being a mum for 10 weeks. I also had a hideous time trying to BF (undiagnosed tongue tie, inverted nipples, prem baby) which resulted in 2 lots of mastitis and a breast abscess.

It is likely that if I have another child that I will have a flare up of my colitis again and have a hospital admission post birth. Hopefully it will be better managed this time and I won't BF so will be able to restart my medication immediately to limit the severity of the flare up.
It just seems wrong to purposefully go into a pregnancy knowing that it will make you ill and potentially take you away from your newborn.
Health issues aside I don't have a burning desire for another baby, I would love to have another child, for DS but that's not really a good enough reason and I know he will be just fine as an only.
Argh it's so hard!
Sorry for the epic post, would appreciate any thoughts or opinions

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NoelEdmondshair · 03/09/2010 21:27

Your DS doesn't need you to give him a sibling. He does need a (hopefully) healthy, relaxed mummy. Enjoy your 17 months old son without worrying about another child and hopefully in time you'll come to a decision, just try and take the pressure off yourself for a while.

Best of luck.

thisisyesterday · 03/09/2010 21:30

i think that you don't have to decide.
you're open to the possibility of another, you know all the implications.
if you';re happy as you are right now then stay that way. if you do get a burning desire for another child then go for it!
just see how you go i reckon

Original poster

shufflebum · 03/09/2010 21:32

Thank you Noel unfortunately I do have to make a decision reasonably soon (within the next year) as probably going to have surgery to remove part of my bowel, then colostomy bag etc which is making it harder.
I just want to know what I want to do!

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 03/09/2010 21:44

ahhh i see

is there no chance of a pregnancy after the surgery at all? i mean, a few years afterwards for example?

if you got pregnant in 6 months time, would you be able to put off having the surgery, or is that unrealistic?

what does your husband think?

Original poster

shufflebum · 04/09/2010 18:27

It is possible to have a baby post surgery but it just really doesn't appeal! I wasn't great with a bump, and a bump with a colostomy bag really doesn't sit well, pardon the pun!
Surgery is avoidable, having a colonoscopy in a month so should know more then but would just love to be clearer in my mind what we want to do.
DH is easy, he'll go along with whatever, happy with one or two so no real help there

OP posts:

sorrento56 · 04/09/2010 18:29

I am sorry you are having this dilemma.

Definitely don't have another baby.

Original poster

shufflebum · 04/09/2010 18:54

really why sorrento?

OP posts:

sorrento56 · 04/09/2010 18:57

I said it as I was hoping you would read it and your gut feeling would tell you if you were relieved or disappointed. I had had some problems lately and how I have reacted to certain things has helped me make decisions. I hope it has helped you a bit.

pooka · 04/09/2010 18:57

I would say have another.

Original poster

shufflebum · 04/09/2010 19:08

Ahh I thought you were working along those lines but just wanted to be sure!

Pooka, any reasons or just your gut feeling?!

OP posts:

sorrento56 · 04/09/2010 19:10

So, what was your feeling?

Original poster

shufflebum · 04/09/2010 19:26

Stupidly seeing as I asked an open question on an internet forum I was incensed that someone had the audacity to tell me not to have another child
Then I realised I had asked your opinion and thought you might be trying to provoke a response!

OP posts:

sorrento56 · 04/09/2010 19:28

Which was????:)

thisisyesterday · 04/09/2010 20:02

i would wait. definitely

if you can have a child post-surgery then i think it would be silly to rush and have one now if you aren't sure just because you feel it's the right time

i think somewhen down the line you might get that real desire for a baby, and then you won't be bothered about doing it with a colostomy bag- you'll just want that baby!

Original poster

shufflebum · 04/09/2010 20:47

Sorrento, that maybe we're good with just one. In fact I know we're good with one but maybe we would be better with two. I am so torn between not wanting to upset the apple cart and the potential for even more fun and love than we have now (plus hard work!)

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 04/09/2010 20:49

ooh and i just thought of another thing. how would it be with a newborn/young baby and then having to undergo surgery?

Original poster

shufflebum · 04/09/2010 20:53

thisisyesterday more wise words. I think I'd always been set on having 2 children relatively close together so it's changing my mindset on having them far apart I think that bothers me too.

OP posts:

Sequins · 04/09/2010 20:56

Do you have any job-related concerns? I know a lot of people who can manage a career and one child but with two children the cost of childcare has forced them to stay at home for a couple of years.

Also, assuming you may be ill, will you have enough help next time too?

thisisyesterday · 04/09/2010 20:59

i wanted mine close together too. when ds1 was about 8 or 9 months i started thinking about another. dp wasn't keen though and i went through phases of really wanting another, and phases of thinking no, this is great how it is

i finally had this just burning desire for another child and all the issues that had worried me before just paled into insignificance. so we had number 2 when ds1 was almost 3

then we had a small age gap (19months) between ds2 and ds3

I have to say that with hindsight i wish i had left longer gaps between all of them tho!!!

i honestly do think you know when the time is right tho, although obvoiusly that doesn't mean that if you have one right now it wouldn't also work out beautifully

Original poster

shufflebum · 04/09/2010 21:06

I'm self employed and work part time, DS goes to nursery 2 days a week. Childcare would be expensive until (if) DS qualifies for free childcare allowance when he is 3 but it would all be doable.
DH's family are all wonderful and on side to help out like last time. (mine on the otherhand I haven't asked as they were so rubbish last time!)

OP posts:

Sequins · 04/09/2010 21:09

I think give yourself some time to decide if you can, like thisisyesterday we have a 3yr gap, before kids we thought we would like children closer together but when it came to it the broodiness took a while to kick in 2nd time round!

Original poster

shufflebum · 04/09/2010 21:33

ok wont make any rash decisions, will see if time helps us to make up our minds!

OP posts:

GenevieveHawkings · 05/09/2010 00:34

I'm a firm believer that having a second child simply to provide a sibling for the first one is not a good enough reason to have a second child.

People should only have children if they really want them.

If I were you shufflebum I'd put the whole issue on the back burner for now and see how you feel as time goes on. You never know, you might not get the urge at all, but if you start to, then you can think about it more seriously then.

In any event, don't allow yourself to be pulled into the whole "an only child is a lonely child" myth. Your DS will no doubt do just fine either if a sibling turns up, or if one doesn't.

Original poster

shufflebum · 05/09/2010 19:53

genevieve that has always been my gut feeling too and is what holds me back from saying let's go for it. We have to really want this child for us not because we think DS will want a sibling.
Thank you

OP posts:

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