Worried about making friends

[SolidGoldBrass]

DS is good with other kids so it's not so much him with the problem, it must be me. Basically he is 5 and has not had the most thrilling of summer holidays as I have found it pretty much impossible to make friends among his classmates' mums - I don't need to be best mates with any of them but just to have broken the ice enough to get phone numbers. I managed to get one mother's phone number at the end of term but though I rang her three or four times (and phone did not appear to have an answerphone) and texted her, she never replied. DS is 5 and has just finished reception - is it going to get easier next year or what?

Can you ask his teachers who he plays with most, organise a DVD and pizza type thing and ask the parents if they would like to stay for coffee? It may lead to return invites etc, you getting to know the other parents better etc. ? I am useless at this though, I am as shy as they come

I have tried suggesting that other kids come to the park with us etc but it never seems to get me anywhere. Part of the problem is that some of the other mothers are non-English speaking and many of the rest a good 20 years younger than me and all know each other. I do try to smile and say hello but have rarely managed to get much of a response even to that.
I am sort of hoping that as the DC all get a bit older they start getting proactive and asking each other home to tea which will at least lead to being able to talk to the other mums ie 'Can your DC come to us?' or 'Yes DS can come to your house, he eats everything and what time shall I come and get him?'

It does seem to be quite tricky sometimes to arrange playdates (ugh at the word, not the thought) during the holidays, if only because if children are spending some of the time in holiday clubs (as mine does) then it's harder to coordinate with other children.

My child is a bit older than yours but my tactic has been to enrol her in as many after school activities as she wants, more or less, so that she gets to socialise with school and other friends that way. We don't do many playdates either in term time or in the holidays. Do you live in a community where you pretty much know where the kids will be every day - park, reading time at the library etc? If so, could you just stroll confidently in and greet the other parents and children?

It does get easier with time, as some of the cliques formed at pre-school or wherever start to break down but you do need, I think, to home in on a couple of friendly-looking parents and cultivate them. It worked for me, pretty much, when my child changed schools.

Can he go to some kind of holiday club or classes next time? DD is an only too and has been going some mornings this summer holidays. Absolutely loved it.

I do sympathise as it's hard when other mums are unresponsive.

He had one day in the holiday club but TBH I have been too broke to send him most of the time. (Another reason why he has not had the greatest of summer breaks - at least much of the time he is happy just to get on a bus and go somewhere...)

SGB, ah I see. He sounds like a nice kid who is happy to go along with stuff from what you say.

Was thinking, when is his birthday? Could you invite a few (or even a lot of) kids over from his class? I found this led to multiple invites back to other parties and helped to get to know the mums a bit better. Doesn't need to be a big flash party or anything.

Sounds like you just had bad luck with the one woman you tried tbh.

Yep, second the bad luck thing. We've recently moved to Belgium and I was keen that DD met a couple of the students in her class before term time started. I got a class list from the school and started ringing around. Out of a possible 16 children, I only managed to get her hooked up with one whom she disliked. IME, as they get older they do start to make their own arrangements. This is fine except when you've been given ten minutes warning that X is coming home for tea tonight. It has happened to me a couple of times. DD has asked her BFF, who was asked her Mum, BFF and DD have planned all day then I'm presented with a fait acompli.

Lot of sympathy (and empathy) with this problem... I live in a DIRE place far from my friends and don't fit in at all. I tried the local babygroup but it was a cliquey nightmare and I had nothing in common with the mums. My DD now goes to a preschool in the next town in an attempt to broaden our social horizons. It is a good nursery and slowly I am meeting mums, but I am not naturally gregarious, and of course DD has to come home and spend weekends in our village where none of us has friends. It makes me very depressed sometimes, these are the best years for making new friends and they are passing me by and my DD.

SGB don't worry, 5 is still very young. He'll find his niche with friendship groups as he gets older and then, in my experience at least, you'll find they almost make their own arrangements to meet up and you just get informed and are expected to do whatever to facilitate it! As they get older they also tend to do more with regard to sports/clubs etc and they seem to make friends through that sort of thing.

Casual interaction with other kids out of school will probably suit your DS fine at age 5 so have you thought about soft play places/parks etc where he could just meet up with kids his own age to play on an ad hoc basis?

I wouldn't try too hard with the the whole mothers in the playground thing if I were you - just take it as it comes.

Believe me, give it a few years and when he's surrounded with friends he's chosen for himself, you'll be wondering why you ever worried about it.

I wouldn't worry about it, if he is quite a sociable kid he will make his own friends.

My dd is 5 and is really gregarious, unlike her mother.

I pop her to the park after school every day and she has had a few friends round for tea.

When I was a kid we just cracked on with it, mothers never really got involved and there was much less "arranging"

I feel your pain. I can remember at the end of DDs first year at school being astounded that we had not one single planned meet up with any of her schoolfriends.

Without wanting to sound pessimistic it has never really got any easier. She is 11 now, and in Y6. Yes, she has friends round and she goes to friends for tea/sleepovers etc, but it can still be an uphill struggle. There are some girls who have been to us and my DD simply never gets invited back, which I find quite rude. It doesn't have to be tit for tat, but an occasional invite would be nice.

I used to try with the other mothers, but I too am older than a lot of them and I don't really fit in (plus people find me quite scary for some reason!) I always work on the premis that I am not friends with anyone now whom I was friends with in Y6. I am hoping it will be better when she goes up to secondary school.

MY DS is in year 5 and I really worried at first, as most of the others had formed friendships at pre-school (including the MUMs!) and we BOTH found it hard to fit in. This has got easier as the frindship groups have chnaged over time and we do have friends round fairly regularly. However, like coatgate, I am always surprised by the rudeness of some people who never invite back. I have (grudgingly) learnt to ignore this and invite them anyway - whilst encouraging closer friendhsips with the girls who DO invite her back.