worried about spoiling only DS

[PintandChips]

New to this board...

i have one DS aged 4, separated from his father, who has shared care.

I am worried, a bit, that our DS gets so much attention as when he's with each of us, as he doesn't have to vie with either a sibling OR another parent for the attention of his carer on any given day. For my part i am so pleased to be spending time with him when he's with me that i worry if i over indulge him - he often sleeps with me (though he will happily sleep in his own bed), always comes in with me in the morning...

i often give him my full attention because i don't have him at home with me all the time. I worry that i am sort of giving him an over inflated sense of his own importance in the world. I haven't put that very clearly but i think you'll know what i mean.

Basically, he is adored wherever he goes and i wonder if it's possible to overdo it, and he'll find it difficult when he grows up to discover that the whole world doesn't fall to their knees for him!

He is well disciplined and polite, well behaved generally although sharing is not a strong point.

Anyone have advice?

didn't read that back before posting and it reads really badly. I hope it makes sense. sorry!

Well I do know what you mean and worry about this too as I have an only.

Does he go to school/nursery/playgroup? He will certainly be learning there that he's not the only kid in the world.

We encourage a lot of playdates at our house so DD has to share and get alongside other children.

If he's well-disciplined and polite, sounds like you're doing all the right things anyway. It's when they start calling the shots and making the decisions, it's time to worry.

Don't worry too much about it - if you're raising him to be polite and think about other people then he'll probably be fine. And school/nursery will soon show him that he has to treat other children nicely else they won't want to play with him.

But if you want to do things which might help, how about playing games with him where you have to take turns, and also make sure you don't get in the habit of always letting him win games. That way he'll understand how to play with others nicely and not be a "little prince", which will help him to get along with other children.

He also needs to understand that sometimes he can't have your attention straight away, but I'm sure he already knows that - say if you're cooking and he wants you to look at something, I'd guess you already say things like "I'll be ten more minutes with this, then I'll come and look". You'd only be making him spoilt if you always dropped what you were doing to attend to him that instant!

I have an only DS, almost 3, who is also the only grandchild on both sides, so I know exactly where you're coming from when you say he's adored wherever he goes. He's a polite little boy though - as it sounds like yours is - and he's starting preschool soon so will learn that it's not always all about him. I'm sure you have no need to worry.

My DD, 2.2, is also an only plus an only grandchild on both sides so I worried about this too. Not much anymore though: she is very polite and she goes to daycare where they have taught her the importance of taking turns, sharing with others and playing with others. I'm also trying to ensure she doesn't necessarily get all the attention in a group of adults situation - eg that she can't interrupt all the time or that she will have to wait a few minutes if she wants something (doesn't always work as she's a toddler!).

I was an only and had my parents' 100% attention, but daycare soon sorted me out :-)

DD is 6, and also the only grandchild on both sides of the family. She has some aspects of her personality that could be ascribed to her being an only child, but equally could be down to genetics and broader upbringing (erm, she's not entirely unlike me, my dad tells me). Or indeed if, like me, she'd ended up being the eldest by a few years (I think there's often very little distinction between an only child and an eldest child by three or more years). But the thing is - if you KNOW she's an only, you pick these things out. If you DON'T, I don't think they stand out at all. Having had a couple of years of school with a lot of other children to compare her with, she does have some thing in common with the other only children her year. And the ones who are the eldest in the family, the youngest, middle child ... She sometimes has trouble sharing, but no more than other children her age. And sometimes she is brilliant - as an example, we went out for cinema and lunch with a friend, her DD and another little girl, and after lunch we ended up with two red balloons and one white, with all the girls wanting a red one. They took random balloons, and friend's DD ended up with the white one. Before she had a chance to kick off, DD gave her her red one. I was so proud. :)

Sometimes I think you do have to almost create opportunities to pay a little less attention to an only child. With more than one you are going to have times when one child really needs attention, but the other needs it more. With one, their need for attention is going to trump pretty much everything, so personally I make sure sometimes it doesn't. Our cats can be useful for that, although most of the time they actively don't want attention!

I think the only thing with DD that I would attribute to being an only child which causes her problems is that she has trouble with sibling dynamics. Our neighbours have a DD in her year at school, and a DS a year above, and (needless to say) they fight a lot. DD doesn't quite know what to make of it, and can get upset if caught in the crossfire.

I totally agree that it's the values you instill in your child that are more important than anything.

As an only child our DS obviously has loads of our undivided attention but he's also brought up with the right values and standards to ensure that he's not a little git too. Unfortnately, I've found that lots of other children aren't though. On the whole, I think that parents of only children are far more aware of the need to be particularly hot on this sort of thing simply because of all the ridiculous negative stereotyping that surrounds only children.

My DS has one utterly insufferable boy in his class who we've had around to play - never again! He's so boastful you could cheerfully slap him and he has an older sister so there you go. His mother is exactly the same though, so I suppose it figures.