Will DH resent me for ever if we stick at one?

[Patsy99]

Would be grateful for thoughts. DH and I have one DS, nearly 3yrs. We have been trying (hard) for no.2 for nearly 18 months, 1 MC. But ... I'm changing my mind.

Many reasons, but mainly because I don't think I'd be happy. I loved the baby phase but am finding toddler-dom very hard and feel like I'm at the limits of what I want to cope with, or could enjoy. DH works long hours and running the house and the majority of childcare is down to me. DH has many interests outside work and family life. I like the freedom of being able to see friends and go to the gym at least some evenings. We don't have family nearby to help us. I honestly think our relationship would be strained if we had a second and I worry I would feel trapped by the sheer slog of it, and lonely.

I've now told DH I'm changing my mind and he's very, very upset. Perhaps if he pulled his weight more and I felt more supported I'd feel differently, but I doubt it. He said at the weekend he felt one child wasn't a proper family and he'd feel a failure. My response was that I couldn't have another just for him, we both need to want it.

I worry he'll resent me if we don't continue to try for another but I think I'll resent him if we do. Ideally it just wouldn't happen but I don't think we can rely on chance over such a big issue. Any ideas on a way forward please? How can we resolve an issue like this?

It sounds like your main concern is about the fact that there is a lot of extra work involved in having two rather than one. (Which certainly does seem to be true, though perhaps mainly in the early years and less so once they're a bit older).

If that's true, then is there a way you can get more help? For example, you mention that DH has many interests outside work and family life. If I were you, I would say to him that if you had two DCs he would need to cut out a lot of those "other interests" in order to help out more around the house. And/or pay for an au pair to help.

However, if actually you don't want two even if you could get help with the extra work, then I think you need to try to persuade him of the benefits of having one child. Certainly his view that it's a "failure" or "not a proper family" is daft. There are plenty of one child families by choice, who are certainly proper families. It seems like he is more concerned about what other people would think than about how many children would actually work best for you as a family?

There is no doubt that another child is more work. It's not twice as much but certainly more. Your dh is being unreasonable in his expectations if he's not willing to pull his weight and do his fair share or put his money where his mouth is and organise more help in the form of a cleaner and an au pair.

I refused to consider a second child until we had a written contract between DH and I about expected behaviour. We specified things like how many days a month he could work abroad and how many days a week he would be back before the DC's bedtime.

I agree with what what the others have said , although I will add - even if you got pregnant right now, your oldest would be 4 by the time the baby was born. A gap of 4 or more years means that at least you will have one child at school during the day when you are having to deal with the challenges of a baby/toddler.

Judging by what you say your first child might be at school for some of the time if you had another - making it maybe a bit easier in some respects. I have to say though, I found the first year of two (baby and two year old) THE most hard work - more of a shock than the arrival of the first child!! (like you I had a DH away a lot and no family at all near me). That said, it soon passes

at bran - sounds like the kind of thing I might do! are you a lawyer perchance?

Thanks. Erm, actually we already have a cleaner. I think if I had a partner who was committed to sharing the work of family life I might feel differently, but I'm not certain I would. And I don't want to make DH responsible for my change of mind.

Before we started ttc DS, DH and I had agreed we would both work 4 days a week each - our salaries are pretty similar. When I was 7 months pregnant he announced he'd changed his mind, saying he was worried it would damage his career. Needless to say there have been rows aplenty about this! Now I work 3 days a week and he is full time. Even if he said he would do more I don't feel I could trust it. DH is an honest person, but just doesn't think through the actual mechanics of things like this, what it would mean in reality. I think the kind of person he is means he needs lots of stimulation outside family life, it's just how his mind works. It's all worthy charity type stuff btw, he's not out partying. Minipie - I might be able to persuade him of the benefits of sticking with one on this basis.

We bickered alot in the first year of DS's life, I worry a second child could put a real strain on our marriage. I was never certain I wanted two, we agreed we'd have one and see how we got on. DH thinks siblings are very important for DS's happiness. But I had two brothers who largely excluded me as a child and I mainly made and played with my own friends. We get on better now we're adults but I don't think we're especially close.

Tis v complicated. The au pair idea is not a bad one, I hadn't considered it, although our finances are looking less rosy in the credit crunch.

Bran - am liking your style. At the moment I can't pin him down to taking the recycling out.

Honestly, yes. If my DH had insisted we stopped at three I would have been forever wanting. You are in a strong position to get more from him, so I would get some different and clear boundaries. Having an only child seems very different from having more, I think having more means you can't afford to be selfish(treading carefully) as two fit less well than one into a busy adult life.

Ultimately, if he's not willing to change his lifestyle in order to help out at home - including reducing work hours and dropping extra curricular activities - then he has no leg to stand on in pushing for more children.

End of.

May I recommend Harry Benson's book for anyone with young children.

Yup - we've had several further conversations and I think he will resent me for ever.

I think we will have to open negotiations but I am going to be adopting bran's appoach and pinning arrangements down in writing.

Patsy99 - all things considered, do you want another child? I think my DH would be quite happy if I fell pregnant (although much more ambivalent than our DH!) and is a great Dad but he doesn't realise just how much I do for dd compared to him. They adore each other bt I;ve observed that really, he's much better at short bursts of fun than thinking through a whole day of activities. He's not interested in taking her to groups, hates soft play (don;t we all! But we grin and bear it!) and needs time to do his own things.

Sounds very negative but it isn't really because we've found a rhythm that works for us all and we are actually very happy (I get time to follow some of my interests too). So in short as I'm not feeling especially broody and so happy with the dynamic of 3, I know this is the best choice for all of us. Rather my DD was in a happy home than us on the edge. Never felt the family is not complete without more children, but have felt it's not complete without pets, so our kitten arrives with us in Sept!

For the record, just back from a holiday with two little girls (who are sisters) who are dd's friends and their mum and the relentlessness of it made me realise I really am a much better mum of 1! I don't cope well with bickering and wingeing!