Positive experiences of single child families!

[Rycie]

I have been looking through these boards as we are planning to have a single child, a decision which I do seem to get much support for in real life.

I have noticed other posters in this forum comment at the limited positive feedback about having only children, and I had found this discussion board whilst researching the topic which I found enormously encouraging and so wanted to share it.

parents.berkeley.edu/advice/parents/singlechild.html

It's certainly a positive experience for me because I only ever wanted one child in the first place.

I realise that thre only seem to be one or two other regular posters like me on this board though.

Most other people here seem to fall into two campes - those who have had the "one child family experience" somewhat foised on them by circumstances beyond their control and they have made the best of it and drawn on the positives and those who have only one at the moment but are undecided about whether to have more or haven't yet given up hope of having more.

I have noticed that Genevieve, and so wanted to put something out there for those of us who are having onlies by choice.

I feel pretty good about it, although just this morning I had another comment about "just have another one, its so much easier, you'll see".

It makes me wonder how many people have more than one due to subtle (and not so subtle) pressure, and of course you will always love your children, but they may have been happy with just one.

I have a theory (which I tend to keep to myself) that a lot of people have a second child just because 'that's what you do', without really thinking whether they really want another child. It's always good to see other people on here who think one is the ideal number.

Hi,
I'm another with an only by choice - something that alot of people can't get their heads round, its only now that DS is 10 that my friends and family have finally accepted that there is no use in continuing with the "two are so much easier" comments!

MamaVoo - I too have often thought the same

I have to say I've never really experienced many of those sort of "go on, have another one" comments.

I can only ever remember a comment like that once. My next door neighbour (who has 4 kids) said to me during a general conversation when the subject of having kids, cropped up and I said I wasn't having any more "oh go on, give to give him a playmate" My reaction to that was to turn it around on him and say "oh, no thanks!" and make him look like the weird one for having 4!! I don't think he knew where to put himself!

I also don't know why it is that so many people can't get their heads around the fact that for some people (like me and a few others here) one really is the ideal number of children to have and we've chosen to have just one.

People naturally assume that if you only have one there must be some deep dark reason behind it, such as infertility, a hideous pregnancy/birthing experience or you're just odd and doing your only child a grave disservice.

These days no one ever mentions anything to me and I think it's because I'm so upfront about telling them that it was actually my choice to have just one and that was always the case.

Quite a few people I work with have onlies and there are also a few in my DS's class too.

It's certainly not the big deal these days that it was even 20 years ago.

If people would open their minds up to see the advantages of it a bit more and be prepared to not cave in to social pressure to conform to the "so-called ideal" family model of two + kids I think there would be a lot more happy only child families.

I have an only by choice....there are a few of us about it seems!

I too have an only by choice many people think this is odd although i couldnt care less
I adore my ds and would rather give him all my love and attention , sadly some people think this means hes going to be a spoilt brat! makes me so mad

I must admit, when I first found the 'one child families' section, I expected everyone to be as enthusiastic as I am about having an only, but as GenevieveHawkings said, that simply isn't the case...

I think I celebrate daily the fact that I have an only child! I'm so thankful that I get to experience this wonderful journey called Motherhood, yet at the same time still retain the kind of life I wanted.

Having one child was the best decision I have ever made, and I'm not afraid to share that sentiment with those who ask me when I'm having another!

Well Said CosmicMum. The best appraoch by far is to celebrate it to the point of gushingness (that's not a word but t fits here!). Of course I do realise that that's only OK if you really feel it - I find it easy to do and pretty easy to make the person posing the question look like the odd one out for hving more children than I do!

The problem comes if you don't really feel so happy about it and that's when it can hit a nerve I guess. I can't pretend to know what that feels like and I suppose because I would never in a million years want to swap places with a person who has 2 or more children I would never find their questions annoying or offensive in the first place.

My son is eight years old and my daughter is one years old. For a long time I only wanted one child. However I did change my mind. I think its best to be open minded whether to stop at one child or not. Life is also full of surprises.

My son is not a spoilt brat inspite of being an only child for seven years. He isn't perfect but he adapted to having a little sister very well. As our age gap is so big its almost like having two only children.

Many only children I have met have very good manners. For example they know how to behave in a restuarant. Their role models for learning basic manners have been adults. Unlike his cousins my son does not have to be told that its socially unacceptable to make comments about someone not having a Nintendo DS.

I'm an only myself and although I initially anticipated having more than one, it wasn't to be.. so I now have a wonderful 13 year old DD.. and I wouldn't wish it any other way.

There are lots of positives about being an only.. you spend more time with your parents and experience more adult company than those with siblings... but you are your own person and not swamped by the 'family'.

She has plenty friends who are both onlies and part of larger sibling groups... and I'd like to think a fairly wellrounded individual herself... we'll see what the future holds!

I have 1 dd (14 years old) and in some ways I regret not having another child. I worry about her constantly. She hangs out at school with about 5 or 6 other girls but only has one 'special' friend who she wants to see in the hols. This friend sees lots of other people so my dd is left with no one to hang out with. It doesn't seem to worry her but I worry that she will become more and more isolated ad she gets older. She lacks confidence so doesn't want to join clubs etc. I know having another child may not of helped but my dd would have had some company. She's not lonely btw and is very happy chilling with me and my dh. But is this storing up for a lonely adulthood?

am15 - there are so many posts on this board and others discussing whether children are lonely (siblings or not btw) and quite often when I read what's written, the conclusion I come to is it could well be the child's nature. However, as parents, we have 'the court of motherhood' hanging over us and have a dreadful habit of comparisons even when we tell ourselves not to.

BTW I spent a lot of time on my own when I was your dd's age and did feel lonely but that's because I couldn't chill with my parents. Oh, and I had 3 sisters! Also, 14 is an interesting age - one of my nieces really did lack confidence, very shy girl but about this age, started to blossom, found sports she liked and had never been sporty before so plenty of time yet.

AM15 My ex DP had a younger sister, exactly 2 years younger than him. They were like total strangers to one another. They hardly ever even spoke to one another. I'm sure that for every pair of siblings like them there are another pair who get on famously but you shouldn't fall into the trap of automatically assuming that all siblings are one another's best friends. I'm sure that most siblings love one another on some level but it's not always obvious to see that they like one another all that much.

Your DD could have a sister she fought like cat and dog with or a brother who didn't have the time of day for her, or who annoyed her beyond belief. In very many cases siblings have little in common and seem to barely tolerate one another as they get older.

What I'm trying to say is don't beat yourself up about the fact that your DD doesn't have a sibling because even if she did, the relationship they had might not necessarily be like the idealised one you see in your imagnation. Ont eh other hand it could but there is nothing you can do about that now and talking about it is puely hypothetical and all a bit pointless frankly.

Your DD is still very young and is growing and developing and she has her whole life ahead of her to meet people and make friends. I can remember girls from school who were shy and maybe not as confident and outgoing as some of the others were but today they're fine and no different from the others. They just found their feet a bit later on and everyone is different. When you're an adult what you were like at 14 seems like a lifetime ago.

Your DD will be absolutely fine I'm sure.