should I perservere with nursery or wait a few months and try again?

[JennyinCorfu]

Hi, I'm Jenny and I have Lily who will be 2 in 2 weeks time. Sorry this is a long post but it's really playing on my mind.
I started her in nursery this week, we're only on day 3 but it's so hard!
She went for 1 hour on Monday and 1.5 hours on Tues and Wed so she's been going every day. Ultimately once she is settled I intend to send her 3 mornings a week from 9.30am - 2pm.
I am in Greece so maybe some of the systems within the nurseries are different - for example they have a rule that parents are not really allowed in the school, kids have to learn that the school is for kids and teachers only, so I have to hand her over to a practical stranger and run off, listening to her howl (as you would). I wish I could sit in the corner for a week or so till she got more settled.
Her 1st language is English so although she does know some Greek from her Dad, she must not be able to understand everything that's going on while she is there and I'm not sure the teachers understand her.
She has been going through a really clingy phase prior to starting, while she is there she just hangs on to one of the teachers, I listened outside the door yesterday and she just kept up this litany of "Mummy coming?", "Mummy coming?" constantly (would break anyone's heart).
My family are in the Uk and hubby's family not very interested in babysitting so she has never been left with anyone else before.
The reason I have decided to send her at all is because I am due another baby in October so wanted to get her into the swing of things beforehand so she doesn't feel pushed out by the new baby, plus to be honest I could do with a little catch up time myself and I would like to be able to have 3 mornings a week with the new baby without Lily feeling jealous.
I know that mums in the Uk often have to send their babies to school when they are tiny as they need to work. I am in the fortunate position that I don't really NEED to send Lily at all, it's just that I think she needs to learn how to play with other kids, she's too clingy to me and her dad, she needs more stimulation than I can give, she needs to learn more Greek.
I have noticed that the last 3 days she is more subdued, as you would expect. I know it's early days but I think it's going to take a long, long time before she likes going to school (she might TOLERATE it).
Can anyone please reassure me that I'm doing the right thing by sending her in the first place, how long does it take the average child to LIKE going, do you think I am being selfish by sending her and should I wait till after new baby is here? She just seems so lost, all the other kids are older, Greek kids can be really wild....
So sorry for long post, I feel like I will affect her confidence/emerging personality by keeping her there, need someone to outline POSITIVES of nursery!
Many thanks in advance, Jenny

There can be many positive sides to nursery, BUT it doesn't sound like your daughter is going to benefit from them yet.

She's not yet 2, she's never been away from home before, and she doesn't speak much of the language. Of course she's finding it tough.

She needs YOU now. In future she'll need to mix with other kids to improve her language and to learn to get along with others, but the socialisation thing only really kicks in around age 3.

If I were you I would take her out of nursery, keep her at home with you, and try again in 6 months or a year. She's got plenty of time for school in future.

hello, i am in a similar position trying to settle my 11m in 2 half days a week, breaks my heart when i leave her crying for me, but if i dont go back now it is v likely i can never go back to my profession as would need retraining and redo exams.
anyway in my better moments i remind myself WHY i am doing this, what i hope she and I will get from it. you and I both knew it would be hard but we decided to go for it anyway. when she is settled, my DD will have such play opportunities I hope eg messy play and stuff i havent thought of, and I will have a little freedom, career and income. its important not to lose sight of the bigger picture

Hi Jenny, I think that you are doing the right thing in sending Lily to nursery now, so that she doesn't equate it in the autumn with the arrival of the new baby. And being pregnant, without much help from in-laws, you need time to yourself to rest and get things done that aren't possible with an energetic toddler around.

What you shouldn't do is hang around after dropping her off. Of course it breaks your heart to hear her crying for you, but I am sure that within 5, 10 minutes, she is fine.

Have you spoken to the nursery staff about how she is after you've gone? My DS1 screamed every time I dropped him off when he started pre-school at 2yrs 6mos in September, and even now he still has his moments, but the staff assure me (as indeed do my friends who've dropped their children off after I've left) that he's OK within minutes, and has a great time while he's there. DS1 would rather be with me than at pre-school (or indeed with anyone else), which is fair enough, but I have to work, and pre-school four days a week is better for him than being with his grandparents all week. They dote on him and take good care of him, but quite happily let him watch TV all day and think that going to the supermarket is an outing.

Plus, where the language is concerned, Lily will soon pick it up. I have an Estonian friend whose daughter refused to speak a word of English until she went to pre-school at 2, and nine months later is completely bilingual.

Don't feel guilty about this - you are doing what is best for Lily, yourself and the new baby.

It sounds to me as if she isn't ready - and i'm afraid she WILL associate her being sent away from her mum with the arrival of the new baby.

I think you should keep her home for a while longer. Nursery can be stressful enough for children, but when she can't understand or make herself understood it must be very frightening for her.

Wait until she knows more Greek, she gets used to the baby and then try again.

Thanks for all your comments. I am still very up and down and undecided about whether to keep her in or not. Apparently she had a better day yesterday where she did leave the teachers and went off to play with another child. I'm warming up to the teachers there too. However today due to bad weather she was only inside (usually they go to the little park/play area attached to the school) and she was apparently moaning and unhappy. She cries now for 5 mins on drop off and she always cries a little when I pick her up.
I do think I should give it a fair run of at least a month, to see if she does settle better, as to remove her now and send her again later would perhaps be more confusing. She is only going for 1.5 hours a day (how bad can it be?).
Very grateful for any other comments.

Crying a little at being dropped off is absolutely normal until they get used to the change in routine. You and Lily have done the hardest bit so far, which is to get through the first few days of this new routine, and she will very soon get used to it and enjoy it. Stopping now would probably be counter-productive, and you will regret it when the new baby arrives and you don't have those three mornings a week to yourself with it.

Do keep her in nursery if you want but there is absolutely no research which shows that nursery is good for the under-3s, she will become less clingy and more social when she is developmentally ready rather than through spending enforced time with other children. She won't benefit directly from it, but you might if you really need the space, and so if it makes enough difference to you then it's probably worth it. I think that nursery for under-3s is about parental need rather than chidren, then for older children it's more about them and their needs.

I know how hard it is, but I also think you are doing the right thing!

1.5 hours is fine, and as you build up gradually it will get easier - the surroundings are still very new to your DD, as are the teachers but she will build up a trust and then start to enjoy it. She will love having other children to play with, and overall I am sure it will do her confidence good. It just takes a few weeks...

And it is half days only, so she can relax at home afterwards.

Good luck!