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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

OMG. how do you NOT care when your child is not invited to a party?

26 replies

bosscat · 01/08/2005 13:23

There was a party on Sunday to which ds1 was not invited to. I didn't think anything of it because he doesn't particularly like the girl who was having the party anyway (he is 3 and a half). I arrived at nursery this morning and one of the other boys Mum's asked me why my little boy wasn't there. I replied "he wasn't invited". She looked really shocked and said "he was the only one". Despite being quite a calm person most of the time, I do pride myself on being able to not get over emotional, I felt a huge lump in my throat. Then I felt really cross that this child's mother would be so petty as to leave 1 child out of a class of 37 for goodness sake! They are 3-4 year olds. I then felt even crosser at the nursery for letting this happen, they actually give out the invitations on behalf of the parents. So I saw the principal as I was entering and asked to see her. I really really really meant to stay calm but ended up bawling my eyes out. I just kept thinking of ds1 in his little dennis the menace top being the only one missing out on a party. Then she told me this was all rubbish and actually only 20 were invited out of 37. So there actually is no problem. I am sooooo mortified and wondering how on earth you get past all this party invitation rubbish. I have GOT to stop caring about it! ANyone else been through similar and come out the other end?

OP posts:

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wordgirl · 01/08/2005 13:36

For what it's worth bosscat I would have felt exactly the same if I thought my son had been the only child not invited and I think it's perfectly understandable to feel like that!

Mum2girls · 01/08/2005 13:41

Agree with wordgirl - the first scenario (your ds the only one) and the second are worlds apart.

In fact the woman who told you your ds was the 'only one' is the one to avoid IMHO.

snafu · 01/08/2005 13:43

Bosscat, if there's one type of thread on MN that is guaranteed to get me teary-eyed, it's a 'my child hasn't been invited' one. I don't know why it rips your heart up - but it does. So I feel exactly the same as you and would have bawled too.

But I can't give you any advice - ds is only 2 so thankfully I haven't even entered the tunnel yet, let alone come out the other end!

katierocket · 01/08/2005 13:45

bosscat, I think everyone feels like this. It's human nature to want your children to be happy. When I got to the bit in your post where the other mum said " he was the only one" I instantly thought "uh-oh" because she sounds like a sh**t stirrer. Sounds like it was rubbish too so try not to worry too much.

iota · 01/08/2005 13:46

Just keep telling yourself that not all children can be invited to every party - this will come in very useful when you are trying to draw up the guest list for your own child's party - something that I personally find more distressing than my child not going to a party.

Gobbledigook · 01/08/2005 13:46

Oh Gosh - you are so normal! I'd be absolutely gutted (though it turns out he wasn't the odd one out anyway). It's human nature!

charliecat · 01/08/2005 13:48

The woman who said he was the only one isan idiot, she wouldnt have liked it has the tables been reversed, the fact that he was one of half the nursery that wasnt invited speaks volumes about her.

I never mention partys in the queue.

Twiglett · 01/08/2005 13:50

I would have had the same reaction

however I'd now be spitting mad at the b*tch who thought telling a mother their child was the only one not invited to a party was a suitable thing to say .. whether correct or not .. what a tremendous cow

lunachic · 01/08/2005 13:50

she is so horrible to bring it up and say that
i would try and blank her or give her minimal attention from now on she was obviously stirring silly moo (at these sorts of people)

WigWamBam · 01/08/2005 13:54

It was a really nasty thing of her to say, she must have known how personally you would have taken it. What a spiteful thing to do.

That said, there does come a time when you're on your 6th party of the month that you will wish that he hadn't been invited!

Original poster

bosscat · 01/08/2005 15:45

Thanks for these messages, I have just got in. I have to admit it has been whirring in my mind as to why on earth she even mentioned it? It seems really odd and I always thought she was one of the nicer Mum's there. I don't think she was being spiteful, she doesn't strike me as that sort but it does seem a tremendously stupid faux pas, even if that was what you were thinking you just wouldn't say it! I am trying to not over-think it and am annoyed with myself for discussing it when ds1 was in the car and could obviously hear everything we were saying. He's only 3 and a half but he doesn't miss a trick.

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dillydally · 01/08/2005 15:52

I am having a party for my DD soon and there is a capacity limit of 15 for the venue. I asked the nursery to invite the 10 nearest children to DDs age (rest of guests are family) as I can't believe that DD has formed lasting friendships with anyone at such a young age.

I don't mention when picking up as I do not want to offend anyone not invited and there was no personal reasons for the guest list. I think I am covering roughly half the nursery. not sure my twisted logic helps, but thought I would pipe up.

Moomin · 01/08/2005 15:57

Have an answer prepared for the future like : 'oh dh whisked us all away on a weekend break/ there was a family party' or 'ds already had 2 that weekend - you can't go to all of them, can you'.

trefusis · 01/08/2005 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Easy · 01/08/2005 16:02

Yes, I got really upset last week of school term, as ds invited Sam to his birthday party. Sams mother muttered that he wouldn't be able to come "I think we'll be away then" (it's at the beginning of september).

Then (2 minutes later) Sam handed out invitations to his party, and ds didn't get one!!

Dh doesn't understand why I was actually in tears over it that night.

jane313 · 01/08/2005 16:09

oh god I'm really dreading this part of parenthood as I'm sure I'll get upset. I get upset enough if I'm not ivited to things when I have invited people it will be multiplied by a zillion with my son. I am hoping though as he has a summer birthday he will have a more obvious group of feinds then

I used to teach reception and it was heartbreaking when the kids wanted to give out invitations and those invited would put up their hands and ask why

handlemecarefully · 01/08/2005 16:14

I shall try to only be bothered if my dd is bothered, and if she is I'll tell her that it's bound to be a crap party and not worthy of her presence . I might embellish what I am telling her by saying a few mean spirited things about the other child's mother!

It hasn't come up for us yet, but no doubt it will. Dreading it!

Original poster

bosscat · 01/08/2005 16:17

I know, my friend keeps saying to me "wait till he gets to school, then it really hurts!". The nursery said I might want to encourage little friendships by having 3 others over to play sometime and I thought "no way. Its bloody nursery. How many lifetime friendships do you make in nursery school?" They all end up going to different schools, we don't live by any of them. I never thought there'd be this pressure at aged 3 for god's sake!

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handlemecarefully · 01/08/2005 16:17

Actually, what should you say to your child if they rumble that they haven't been invited to a party and ask you why?

handlemecarefully · 01/08/2005 16:20

Do you mean Nursery or do you mean Pre-School Bosscat? I ask because I rarely see the other mums when I drop dd (3) at Nursery because we all start work at different times.

So far dd hasn't been invited to any parties from Nursery - perhaps I should be worried? (although going on my previous rationale if she isn't bothered / hasn't rumbled it then neither should I be bothered)

handlemecarefully · 01/08/2005 16:21

I haven't been aware of any parties (Oooh really working up into a lather of paranoia now!)

Easy · 01/08/2005 16:21

I want to know too. DS looked so lost when Sam handed out envelopes, but he didn't get one. I feel tearful now, just thinking about it.

Original poster

bosscat · 01/08/2005 16:25

Its heartbreaking isn't it. I have no idea what to say in the situation. Maybe tell the truth. They could only have 10 people so their Mummy had to pick and she picked X. My nursery told me that despite them encouraging parents to give the invitations to them to give out at the end of the day, some parents INSIST on shoving them behind the coat pegs and it p**s the nursery off because they get 20 other children asking where their invitation is? Some people are just thoughtless. Makes you want to throw a party and not invite all the one's who didn't invite yours to theirs

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pabla · 01/08/2005 17:04

If my dd is having a party and I can't/don't want to invite everyone I always give the invites directly to the parents (even though she's 8). It is heartbreaking when you see a kid in the playground producing a sheaf of invitations and their classmates start to gather around and you just know someone, even if it's not your child, is likely to be disappointed. I always say to my dd if the question comes up, that they probably couldn't invite everyone and anyway you don't really play with her much do you.

It is natural though to still feel for your child. The other extreme though is the mother of one of the girls in my daughters class - she actually phoned up another mother a few months ago and berated her for not inviting her daughter! This woman has 4 older kids so you would think she would have become blase to it all by now.... This woman definitely keeps tabs on who is inviting who and I know she would definitely never invite a child to her daughter's party if that child had previously not invited her daughter (even if they had become good friends in between I think). It almost becomes harder as they get older and want to do activities rather than have a traditional party.

LunarSea · 01/08/2005 17:42

Put yourself in the other mum's situation, and try to envisage all the reasons why they might not have invited everyone - most of which are entirly innocent, and where they'd have asked more if circumstances permitted.

Obvious one is if they are holding it at a venue where they have limited numbers, or where they charge per head (as some places are can be £8 or so a head, then asking 37, plus any non-classmate friends could prove rather expensive).

I've just been organising ds's 4th birthday party, and with a limit of 20 we just can't ask everyone even if we'd like to.

So I've had to risk upsetting some, by limiting it to kids between 3 and 6, and putting in a note explaining that we couldn't include younger/older brothers/sisters. Last year we had a bit of a nightmare with excess numbers when I had responses from a couple of parents saying that x and y would be coming, when I'd only invited the one who was actually at ds's nursery.

Even then, once I've allowed for neighbours, and non-nursery friends, there are only 8 places left between the 13 in his pre-school group. Now do I ask the ones who have been there longest, and he therefore knows best, but who will be leaving to go to school this autumn so he'll probably not see them again afterwards? Or leave those out and ask the ones who will still be there next year, so they hopefully reciprocate and ask him to their parties too over the next year? Or just the boys? Whatever I do, I'll potentially upset someone.

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