Shy 3yo having problems settling at nursery - what can I do to help her (long)?

[Horton]

Hi all. I have a three year old daughter who has always been very clingy and shy and she's having a lot of trouble settling in to her preschool nursery care. She goes two days a week from 9-3 (ideally once she is happier, this will be from 8.30 to 3.30). She's been attending since January and we had about four or five settling in sessions, gradually increasing the time spent there. She has not previously been to nursery - due to helpful relatives and DH's strange working hours she has always been looked after in her own home when I am at work (have been doing three short days a week since she was five and a half months old).

At first DD was pretty much okay about it (maybe the first few sessions). After that, she had about six sessions when she was utterly miserable, worrying about it from several days in advance, constantly saying 'Mummy, I'm not looking forward to Wednesday' etc and crying for hours the night before and for a good hour in the morning before we set off. Nursery staff also told me that she was intermittently a bit miserable during the day, particularly when not occupied with an organised activity, and she has asked for me a lot eg if she can ring me up which obv she can't. Last week she seemed to be getting the hang of things a bit more and had spent some happier days and we had barely any crying in the morning so I thought we had turned a corner.

Unfortunately, this morning DD got really really upset again and I am now wondering what on earth I can do to help her. She really does need to go to nursery because I really do need to work and the relatives who used to help us out are very kind but it simply wasn't reliable enough for my work to be done adequately (they still come, just not quite as often).

The nursery seems excellent - they do so many interesting activities, the staff seem really really kind and caring, the environment is bright/clean/warm/filled with fabulous toys. The other children all seem to like DD too, and this was confirmed by nursery staff unprompted by me.

I am really stuck for a way to help my daughter on this. Any advice from parents or nursery workers?

Sorry, what an essay!!

maybe she would be better with a childminder who can give her closer attention in a more home-like environment?

also, 2 days a week isn't much, and i think it can be hard for them to get settled in if most of the children are there all week

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Hi Horton

What specific things have the nursery suggested to help her settle in?

I'd expect them to do things like encouraging her to bring a comforting toy from home, asking you what her home routine is so they can try to reflect that, getting photos from you etc.

Hi and thanks for the replies.

I have thought of switching to a childminder but want to give this a good go first although obviously if it seems that it's really not working I will think again. Most of the other children are not there all week - lots do only two or three days or three or four mornings or afternoons so similar amounts of time to her. However a lot of them have been there for a year or two years so are obviously much more used to it all.

She does have her comfort toy with her at all times but nobody has mentioned photos. I did actually ask DD if she would like to take a photo of me and her together in so she could look at it and remember that I was coming to get her soon, but she said it would make her too sad so I didn't push it. But she is less upset now than she was then so perhaps I could ask her again. Nursery have given her some little jobs to do to keep her busy - handing things out to the other children (also will hopefully help her with getting to know them) and helping to put out the daily activity when she arrives each day. Other children who enjoy this kind of thing also help with these. They have also asked what kinds of things she enjoys doing at home so they can steer her towards that sort of activity, so they are trying to help her.

I just wondered if anyone had any further ideas that might help, really. Obviously, if any of you has a magic wand, that would be really nice!

I'm going to ask the mother of the little girl that DD likes best if she can come round to ours one day and play, too. If DD can make a friend, I think that would help a lot.

Well it sounds like a good nursery who are trying to do the best for your daughter. The play date definately sounds like a good idea.

Wish I had some ideas for you.

Thanks anyway. It does help to think that someone is listening. I know every parent goes through this at some point, whether school or nursery, and we all get through it in the end but it's so so hard to see your child so unhappy.

Unfortunately, the little girl DD likes best has gone on holiday for six weeks to India. But maybe we can get one or two of the others round to play instead.

I think there is plenty you can do to help her settle.

There are some tips on this thread which I started a while back.

The things which helped us are:

taking in favourite books into nursery from home
reading books about nursery at home (loads on Amazon eg. Maisie goes to nursery) and talking about them eg. you have a peg at nursery too DD, like Maisie
asking for a list of the names of other children in the nursery on those days and encouraging her to talk about who she knows, what they did etc.
her key worker made a little photo book of nursery (staff, play areas, toilets etc.) so we can talk about it at home. That sounds a bit better than taking pictures of home to nursery, I think.
me and DD going into nursery on non-nursery days, eg. to read to the kids, help out with singing etc. Me building a relationship with the nursery staff.
being very proud of anything she does at nursery, eg. putting up paintings and talking about them lots.
going to lots of playgroups on other days so she gets used to the general hubbub of lots of other children, but with a kindly parent in the background.

Also, for me as a mother, things were much easier when DH did the drop off as he got less emotional than me, and I set DD off, IYSWIM. Also, try to judge things from what she is like at pick up, not just at drop off.

For what it's worth, my DD said to me last week "I love nursery mummy!" and I can honestly say that I never ever ever thought I would hear that. Hopefully you will hear it one day too.

The only thing I would say is that if she has always been clingy and shy then maybe nursery isn't really for her. My DD is very outgoing so I did push nursery even when she hated it, but I might have felt very different with a shy child TBH. Sorry, that isn't a very helpful addendum to my post Horton.

What does her keyworker say?

Oh, thank you, that's great. And reassuring to know that I'm doing a lot of the 'right' things.

taking in favourite books into nursery from home

They have show and tell every morning so DD takes something that she likes from home (sometimes a book, sometimes a toy or an item of clothing, oddly she insisted on taking a hat one day). And she does have her comfort toy every day.

reading books about nursery at home (loads on Amazon eg. Maisie goes to nursery) and talking about them eg. you have a peg at nursery too DD, like Maisie

This is a great idea. I will look for some. We have done a lot of playing at nursery when I am at home all day. So DD leaves a treasured toy with me and goes into another room and I 'ring' her on a toy phone when it's time to collect her little girl and then I tell her about what her dolly has been doing at nursery etc, and the book she chose to bring home or whatever. Do you think that's a good idea? I do say 'she missed you but then she had a really nice time doing X so she didn't mind too much that she had to wait a while for you to come and get her'.

asking for a list of the names of other children in the nursery on those days and encouraging her to talk about who she knows, what they did etc.

I haven't asked for a list but we do talk a lot about what she did and who was with her and who she talked to etc.

her key worker made a little photo book of nursery (staff, play areas, toilets etc.) so we can talk about it at home. That sounds a bit better than taking pictures of home to nursery, I think.

This is a brilliant idea.

me and DD going into nursery on non-nursery days, eg. to read to the kids, help out with singing etc. Me building a relationship with the nursery staff.
being very proud of anything she does at nursery, eg. putting up paintings and talking about them lots.

Fantastic idea, also, and I will ask about maybe being able to visit sometimes. I can play quite a few musical instruments so maybe an offer of some music sessions might be an idea? II do talk to the staff a lot and they are all really nice people who give me plenty of feedback about how her day has gone.

going to lots of playgroups on other days so she gets used to the general hubbub of lots of other children, but with a kindly parent in the background.

We used to go to playgroup at least once a week but DD really hated it. She found the younger children running about and yelling really stressful and unpleasant and absolutely would not leave my side. I picked this nursery because it seemed like a really calm environment and I thought that would suit her. DD is much more about talking than running about!

But thank you - that is so much food for thought and really helpful. I'm very very grateful.

Oh, her keyworker says that she's obviously very independent and likes to be busy (very true), she also says that DD has trouble approaching/starting/joining an activity or group but once she's in she is great at getting on with it. They are trying to encourage her to join in with stuff but she mainly likes to talk to adults, tbh. She has plenty of interaction with other kids in her daily life, but she is very good at (and loves) talking (although not so great at other more physical stuff) and sometimes finds talking to children of her own age a bit frustrating.

I found and read a kids book about being an introvert. It has an important message of basically let your child be themselves. It's called The Quiet Leopard.