Tears on drop off and tantrums on pick up - after over a year!!!! Any advice?

[bondgirl77]

Basically, my 2.3 year old DS still cries and clings to me on drop off after over a year at nursery, recently this stopped and was replaced by tantrums at pick up. We went away on holiday recently and now I'm stuck with both! He is completely happy there in between, eats, sleeps, is chatty, smiley, has great fun. The minute he sees me, he shouts 'noooooooo!' and has a complete paddy. Despite me not fussing over it and trying to keep calm etc, trying all the distracting and other tantrum techniques, it took me 20 mins to get him out of there the other night, and the tantrum continued in the car and for another half an hour after we got home. I just can't deal with this 3 nights a week after a day at work! I am bright, upbeat and jolly on pickup (and drop off), don't linger in the mornings, give him lots of tickles in the evenings to try and get him giggling. I've been dealing with the tears at drop off for all this time so not too worried about that as he soon stops, but would be grateful to hear from anyone who's had this happen to them at pick-up and any good advice. I know it must be part of the general terrible twos but hating the 'ok then, mummy's going, see you later', walking away and then him following tactic. But maybe that's all there is...hmmm.

Now then, it's been a few years since mine were nursery age but here is what I know, for what it's worth......BRIBERY! Bribery of the worst kind - with SWEETS! Oh yes....it worked for me!

Screaming abdabs stopped as soon as my DS knew that being calm when leaving nursery meant a packet of chocolate buttons in the car on the way home. Screaching and screaming - no chocolate buttons - that happened once and I stood absolutely firm and he didn't get them. He soon caught on I meant business.

many will say I'm wrong to bribe with sweets in this way - But actually, I don't give a flying toss because IT WORKED!!!!

Good luck. It's all a phase and when he starts school, home time gets even trickier for a while! It all comes good in the end though

Gosh, sounds really difficult for you.

My DD tantrums when she is over-tired and wound-up, and when she is hungry. Could either of these apply to your DS? For example, is he sleeping at nursery? Maybe he is getting really over-tired, and maybe the jolly tickles etc. are more than he can cope with? and he needs some very quiet, calming time with you instead. My DD has recently reinstated hugs in bed with milk as soon as she gets in from nursery- she is just completely wrung out. Also, I wonder if you could you pick him up slightly earlier for a bit? eg. 30 mins. See if that makes a difference? Or can a DP pick him up instead? (DD tantrums much more for me than for DH).

HTH.

I wouldn't suggest bribing with chocolate or other sweets as could lead to bigger problems, but could you perhaps have a favourite toy from home waiting in the car, or if he's hungry having a snack with you to whip out? (Say a cheese string, apple, small sandwich, juice, etc.)

Sorry but thoroughly agree with Doodlez - I had exactly the same problem with my twins several years ago. I'd always said I wouldn't give them sweets on a regular basis but like you, enough is enough, particularly at the end of the day. And only sweets OR CHOCOLATE worked, tried apples, fruit drinks etc to no avail. They're nearly grown up now and are slim, intelligent and no issues around sweets! (don't let them read this)

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your advice. I'm sat here in floods of tears after 45 minutes in the nursery car park which ended with me snapping at DS and bursting into tears , I just panicked that I would never get him strapped into the car to go home and we'd be stuck in the car park all night! My DH can't pick up as he's disabled following a stroke, so it's all me - which I think is part of the problem. My parents live in the same town so my mum has offered to collect him for the time being whilst he gets over this phase. It is so weird, there is a moment when he sees me and smiles, then it's all downhill from there, I literally carried him out kicking and screaming tonight. Had arrived all prepared with his mini pushchair which he loves pushing along, thought it might distract. Have also tried his favourite toy he just screams 'nooo!' Also tried singing his favourite songs in a loud, joyful tone to drown out the cries and it just seems to get him even more frustrated. Oh dear. I think the parents collecting is a short term solution, but I feel really reluctant to 'give in' to him, in a way! I feel like he has won - I know it's just one of those mummy battles, but I'm wondering whether he will twig and try it on even more in other situations. I have used food bribery on other occasions with reasonable success, so I might let my parents collect for a week or so, then go back and see if it's broken the cycle. Partly I think it has become one of his habits, like the tears on drop off which is definitely a habit now. Oh dear, sorry for the long post, just a bit tired and emotional!

oh that sounds really hard. My dd is very similar, she was fine being dropped off until our 2 week holiday last summer when she was 20 months old. She has cried every morning since. She also cries practically every evening when i pick up. She is all smiles and the second i get out of the entrance she sobs and carries on all the way home.

the going home bit i think is just tiredness. The dropping off bit is her in a habit and not liking the change etc. However when she is there she loves it and that is my mantra!

Like you, but for different reasons it is only me doing drop offs and pick ups.

tbh, and probably because dd is number 3 i on the whole have developed a thick skin and manage to ignore this- i just turn up the radio loud and let her get on with it. i decide that this behviour is not directed at me, i just happen to be there and they cant articulate at this age

Hi it sounds as if you are having a really difficult time. Do you think that your ds could be having some problems at the nursery. That he is trying to communicate to you that something is wrong? Often when little ones are not able to express verbally this is the only way they are able to show their feelings. They often only show their feelings to someone they can trust. How is he getting on at the nursery. Are there any other child care options that might suit him better like staying with your parents or perhaps a child minder where he might have more individual attention? You mention that your dh has had a stroke and that everything is down to you. I wonder if your ds has been picking up on other things as well and is worried and whether he is wanting to spend more time with you if you have all be going through a difficult patch etc Hope things improve for you all x

Yes, I would absolutely turn the radio up too - it's more that I can't get him into the car in the first place because he is physically stopping me by twisting, struggling etc - he knows that he is now big enough to physically stop me doing something if he wants.

Lilianfox I wondered about that too, but I presume that if something were wrong, it would show itself in his 'message' that I get at the end of the day, and it is always that he has been a happy, chatty boy, joining in all the activities and eating everything, sleeping for 1.5 hours on average, so I don't think it is that. But you might be right about him picking up on things at home. DH's stroke was whilst I was pregnant so it's not a recent thing, but he might be starting to be more aware that Daddy isn't like other daddies, I suppose! He took a long time to settle into the nursery which has made me reluctant to switch to other childcare options, though I have wondered whether a childminder might suit him better as more one on one. My parents both still work full time so they can't take on any extra hours. Am going to try the choc button approach tomorrow and parents have also offered to try collecting him as an alternative if that doesn't work. Thanks for all the tips everybody!

I agree with lilianfox! My parents have always said listen to your children. Only you will know if something is wrong and if they continually don't seem happy then maybe you should re-evaluate the situation and try other methods to see if your child seems happier elsewhere. There is a reason for everything.