Having a real wobble about leaving DS at nursery, come and reassure me pls

[ginghamgiraffe]

Or talk me out of it

DS my PFB 22 m/o is due to start at nursery 1 day a week as we thought it would be "good for his development" to spend more time with other children his own age - I don't have an NCT class so he has few actual peers and I work a couple of days a week so we don't have masses of chances to go to groups etc.

Had a settling in sesh today and it seemed like the staff were quite strict and always telling the kids what to do (sit on your bottom please Petunia, no running thank you Barnaby)

Real Joyce Grenfell stuff

Although none of it was unreasonable and I guess with that many toddlers in one place you have to be like that but it still made me a bit.

Actually DS was okay, there were a few tears but mostly over sharing toys which he isn't used to doing, due to aforementioned lack of peers

Add this to the little boy who spent the whole time I was there bawling his little eyes asking for daddy, I am really wondering whether I should do it at all

Advice gratefully received.

presumably you have family childcare for the 2 days you are at work?

if this is just a day to let you have some me time, I'd say wait till he's 3.

if you have to work and have no other childcare for that day then you'll both have to bite the bullet and get on with it I'm afraid, he'll get used to it in time.

Thanks for your reply ssd

In terms of "Me time" it's work time so it's not like I'm swanning off to the shops/salon/even doing the housework.

I've been asked to do another day at work and current child care can't do additional day. Don't HAVE to do it but think my boss would like me to do another day and I'm kind of keen to in terms of more £ but it's by no means essential to our income.

What's the significance of being 3?

Children aren't allowed to run indoors for safety reasons, sit on your bottom? i presume a chair, um also safety.

I'm sure he will be fine, it is true some children aren't suited for nursery, but most children settle in relatively quickly depending on how many days you plan him being there.

The other child was prob settling in, unfortunatly tears a part of that process.

I've has lots of years experience settling children in, just be relaxed and smiley, so your child can see it as a positive experience

Hi cookielove
Thanks for replying.
I do understand the safety aspect of not running
and they were being asked to sit on bottoms during story time where they were all sitting on a mat. THe children who were sitting nicely on bottoms were excused one by one by name to go and sit on chairs for snack time.
I guess it's just all so much more structured (as it would need to be) than I'm used to - half the reason we were thinking about sending him to nursery in the first place
NB what is the deal with being 3?
Is it just that they're older and deal with it better?
Or is there a free place thing to consider?

I don't think it helps a child's development to go to nursery before about two and a half at the earliest. And I think that's what the 'leave it till he's 3' suggestion is about, too. Until then, he isn't really going to play with other children - just get used to parallel play in a group setting.

If it were me I wouldn't do it purely for the child's benefit. But obviously if you need to use it as childcare, that's a different matter.

Yes, if you need to do it or even really want to do it for your sake, then fine. But your ds won't miss out if he doesn't go to nursery. Part time pre-school from age 3 upwards is ideal, imo. Having said that, I sent my ds to 2 x 3 hour sessions per week at a pre-school from age 2.6 and he was ok with it (didn't seem to really love it or anything) just because I felt I'd like a break from full-on sahmdom.

I think some research is pointing towards institutionalised childcare for under threes being less good than once they're three.

The one other thing I'd say is that one day a week can be very hard because they forget all about it between sessions and almost have to start again from scratch in terms of getting used to it. I used to find that was true when mind did two (separated) days a week. There's a lot to be said for waiting till they're three or more and starting with a few short sessions rather than isolated full days.

I've done it both ways and I would say listen to your instinct, so if it seems to go well then great, but if you think it's a bit mediocre and not quite right then don't hesitate to stop it if it's not actually essential. Leaving it a bit longer won't do any harm and could do some good - 22 months is still very young and there's plenty of time yet before school for him to try structured environments.

duckszebrasgiraffes
yes the one day a week thing does worry me a bit too
Especially as the settling in sesh is 1.5 hr today with me there
1.5 hour next thurdsay where I go off and have a coffee
And then effectively a FULL DAY (I'm paying for one at any rate)
Still feeling wobbly really and need an early night as found today EXHAUSTING but all your posts are helping, thanks

Intrigued to know your approx whereabouts. Obviously you can't mention names but this sounds so familiar I'm wondering if we're at the same place, or if this is just normal and I'm paranoid! We're in Yorkshire. DS is 2 yr 4 mo and we've just started him on 2X2hour sessions for his benefit as he has no playmates. Staff seem stricter than I'd expected and don't seem to immediately cuddle crying children, which I'd assumed was a normal first response at this age.

After initial happy start of 5 sessions when he skipped off without a backwards glance, DS now faking illness to avoid it following 2 unfortunate incidents: (1) he coughed so unpleasantly they honestly thought he was going to be sick, tho he was fine really, and frightened him by their response; (2) his next session he initially settled in OK but started crying 10 mins after I left, possibly becuz rattled by the coughing incident, needed first nappy change from a stranger, and/or not quite well).

I reminded him how fun it was, said I'd stay a while the next session to resettle him, and reiterated that his keyworker would look after him when I wasn't there. But when we arrived and I explained this to his keyworker, instead of smiling at DS and taking him off to play she scowled at me and said "he's bound to be upset; they all are". DS promptly burst into tears. The morning degenerated from there. The next day DS cried at MumsnTots group for 1st time ever when found himself in back room without me.

Am now wondering whether to persevere on reduced hours with request for keyworker change, or try again, there or elsewhere, when he's 3. This coincides with his first ever tantrums at home, and unsure which is worse: "giving in" or persevering when perhaps he's not ready yet.

Well personally having had a bit of a mediocre experience with one of mine and kept him there against my instincts, I wish I had just pulled him out. So that's the angle I'm coming from when I say I think you're more likely to regret persevering if he's not ready and the nursery aren't very helpful. Don't think of it as giving in at all - if you don't desperately need the childcare, then you have the luxury of being able to be totally flexible so you can pull him out and start again later according to how happy he is. Enjoy that luxury and use it!

I would be very unhappy personally about a keyworker who wasn't very smily and welcoming and I'm not sure I'd want to go through requesting a different keyworker - especially as they all realistically get cared for by all of the staff so having a different one as his named keyworker won't necessarily reduce his interaction with the grumpy one.

Rereading your post, it honestly sounds as if he's not happy and not having a good time. It really doesn't need to be like that at that age - if someone is stuck for childcare then sometimes it has to be (which is just bad luck), but if you don't have that constraint then there's no reason for a child that young to be regularly going somewhere that makes them unhappy. Either the staff should be pulling out all the stops to make his experience happier or else maybe that's not the place for him to go right now.

If he has only had 1 or 2 settling in visits then I'd perserve and then see how things are. Agree if you dont have to do it then you are in a lucky position but dont given up before he has even started.

The point of the settling sessions are for you and him to work through this stuff so that when he goes for a full day you will both enjoy it.

Agree with the comment that 1 day a week can be hard but my DD did this for 3 months and was absolutely fine with it.

Good luck and dont wory too much- easy to say though. x

duckszebrasetc. - many thanks for your helpful comments. I think I'm tending that way.

ginghamgiraffe - just reread your original post, this time with more concentration on your situation than my own! So far you seem in better shape than us, so perhaps persevere for now. A key point to consider may be whether you were happy with the way the staff were trying to deal with the little boy crying for his daddy?

Off the point slightly, but the sitting on your bottom for carpet time, from an early age i agree with, this was brought up with me when a parent was settling there child in a few years ago, i had asked a child to sit up they were lying down and rolling around, she couldn't see why it was an issue, as he was only 1 and little, and yes your right they are only little, but we teach them to sit nicely for many reason, they are taught not to invade someone elses personal space, would you like it if your sitting nicely listening to a story or a song, and your kicked in the back, or smacked in the face by a wayward arm or leg. (i have seen this happen hundreds of times)

Also children are taught to sit nicely and are rewarded for it, we give stickers out to children who listen and sit well, they do get to go the table first, or go play first.

Sitting down for 5-10 mins, is good training for school, the children will have to sit for much longer when they reach school age.

I work in 2-3's we do sitting activites where the children are sat in a circle, we encourage them to sit still and listen so they can engage in the activity.

As for other points on this threasd, staff should always be welcoming and friendly i can't imagine any child wanting to stay in a nursery where the staff look miserable, and as some one pointed out before, you could change key workers but i imagine that the person would still be working in the room with your child.

I know lots of parents say wait till 3, i can't think why at magically aged 3 they would be able to cope better, some children thrive at nursery and others don't. I don't think nurseries are damaging to children, infact, i think they have many positives. In fact i have looked after many shy, quiet children who's confidence has blossomed over their time at nursery. Also i think that nursery gives children the chance for children to learn the 'secret rules of the playground' so to speak.

cookielove
thanks for this -
i am thinking I am going to defer for a bit - do you think nursery will be amenable to that? I have paid a reg deposit. that is all atm
A friend tells me that my local playgroup may take DS at
2y6m which may be a better option. He would be a LOT closer too.
Feel so confused about it all tbh

if you don't feel comfortable with it at the moment, at my nursery we are able to hold places, but i'm not sure that this would be possible for all nurseries.

It really is up to you, what you feel is best for your child, the children who settle the fastest(most of the time are the children who do lots of activites outside the home, e.g children who have gone to creches, to classes like monkey music, tumble tots e.t.c, children who spend time away from their main carer (mummy/daddy e.t.c). Does he spend time with grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends?

All these things not only help a child ajust to new experiences, but also help build their confidence.

Maybe if you defer taking him to nursery, you can try and do some of the things listed above to help, him settle in whatever childcare you do find for him.