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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Poor little boy at ds' nursery

25 replies

TheChicOfIt · 12/02/2010 12:40

DS has recently started nursery, and seems to be settling in ok.

But there is this little boy in there, and every time I have been in there he is really upset. First few times, he was just wandering around aimlessly saying "Mummy, mummy", and I just thought he was ill as he had a cold, but last week he was just lying in the corner, and this morning when I went in, he was crying into a cushion .

There is nothing I can do, obviously, but I just really feel sorry for him. They give the kids lots of attention and cuddles, but today I really felt like crying!

Is this normal? They are all between 17 and 21 months.

OP posts:

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mrspoppins · 12/02/2010 17:45

Absolutely normal...it can seem heartbreaking but you will tend to see the children at the beginning of the day or at the end when other Mummies are there picking up and those times are the worst. He will be fine eventually from the outset with some persistance but he is most likely happy throughout the day.It really pulls at your heart strings though doesn't it!

ginghamgiraffe · 12/02/2010 18:00

oMG I just came on to post almost this exact same OP!
I had a settling in day today and there was a little boy there doing somthing very similar. Apparently he doesn't like cuddles but he was just in floods for the whole 1.5 hours I was there asking for his daddy.

Must say the whole thing has made me feel REALLY wobbly about leaving my DS at all. (will start my own thread, sorry for hijack)

Missus84 · 12/02/2010 21:12

Some children just aren't suited to nursery - they never really settle til they get to 3ish and start to enjoy the other children.

BunnyLebowski · 12/02/2010 21:13

That's why dd isn't and won't be in one.

The thought of it is too much for me to bear.

sushistar · 12/02/2010 21:20

I'm with bunny. It's stories like this that just make it impossible for me to leave my DS1 in any kind of childcare. I can't believe it is not damaging those children in some way (I know some are happy at nursery - but clearly not all are). I walk past a lovely nursery nearly every day, and all summer, when the children were playing outside, there was a boy who would just stand at the fence with tears on his face. I saw him often - it wasn't just a bad day. It broke my heart to be off down the road to take my son to playgroup and he was behind the fence clearly very unhappy.

mrspoppins · 12/02/2010 21:23

Sometimes it is necessity though and there are rarely children who don't settle in a fairly reasonable time. It's very much more about the parents in my experience and how they feel they can cope.We kind of have to do what we have to do...

I have nursery experience and it always works out for those that persevere and children are indistinguishable by the time they go to school between the non nursery goers and the nursery children apart from somtimes the nursery children are a tad more confident in the new surroundings.

Never feel bad about using a nursery just as you should never feel bad about being a working Mum and needing one. xx

Missus84 · 12/02/2010 21:23

I think nursery is quite a tough environment especially for small children, and they need quite a robust personality to cope with it. Some children do much better with a childminder where it is more home like and there's just one adult to bond with. Some children thrive in nursery.

The key is to be sensitive to your child's personality and find the right care for them - it isn't a one size fits all thing.

Washersaurus · 12/02/2010 21:25

It is true, some children just don't settle well until around 3yo (DS2 is only just settling down now at 2.5yo), as someone else said the comings and goings of pick up and drop off times are the worst part of the day.

Even DS1 who loved nursery and settled really well had a wobble at around this age and I nearly pulled him out of nursery because of it. By the time he moved up to big toddlers/pre-school he was happily settled again though.

Missus84 · 12/02/2010 21:29

Children are developmentally much more suited to group care as they get older - so for some children I think it's not so much a case of settling in as growing up.

Schoolgirl · 12/02/2010 21:37

DD was 15 months when she started nursery and she was just like that little boy. She would scream blue murder if I dropped her off (although she was fine for DH) and would get upset on and off during the day. I cried almost every day at work (in the toilet in secret) because I found it all so upsetting.

BUT - it lasted about three months before she really settled in. The girls there were absolutely fantastic and never complained about how they had to cuddle her all day. The best day was when I came to pick her up and saw her playing in the garden with her keyworker - they had their arms around each other and were nose to nose. It was so intimate and beautiful - I wasn't jealous at all. In fact it gets me all choked up just thinking about it

The good news is - she's five now and happy and settled into school. She goes to their afterschool club and still adores all the girls who've looked after her since she was a baby. Her brother (14 months) has settled much more easily and has a similar loving relationship with his keyworker. I feel ridiculously lucky at being able to leave my children somewhere they feel safe and loved.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit! Hopefully your nursery is the same - the little boy you saw today may well end up like my DD and never want to go home!

ginghamgiraffe · 12/02/2010 21:50

Schoolgirl
Your post has made me well up!
how often was your DD in nursery to build up such a great relationship?

Schoolgirl · 13/02/2010 09:32

LOL - thought I was the only softie round here! She was booked in 8am til 6pm but she was actually there from 10am to 5pm Monday to Friday. So I guess quite a lot which probably helped her in the long run. they've lots of part-timers who seem similarly well settled. How many hours is your DS there for?

Original poster

TheChicOfIt · 13/02/2010 09:50

Just read these posts with a massive lump in my throat and tears in my eyes - another softie here then .

Especially sushistar's post about the boy at the fence .

When I went to pick ds up yesterday the little boy was ok, though obviously a very quiet boy, yet I got informed that my ds had been very upset in the morning (which also broke my heart!).

I guess they all have good and bad times, but I am just a big softie who wants to give them all a cuddle!

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 13/02/2010 10:39

these posts are heartbreaking. And I'm afraid I strongly disagree with some posters.

It should never be considered normal or nothing to worry about when a distressed child is crying for its mother.

Those that say that clearly unhappy, stressed children 'eventually settle in' are, i'm afraid, being a little idealistic here. The child has just accepted his or her fate and knows that the mother they're crying for isn't coming for them.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 13/02/2010 10:44

I definitely think that some children are more suited to nursery, a friend pulled her DS out of the one that we use as he wasn't settling, however my 2 love it and are very happy and settled, DS always smiles when he goes in and has to kiss everyone when he leaves.

YeahBut · 13/02/2010 10:44

Nancy, that's a bit harsh on the parents who have to make the choice between working and putting a child in nursery, and not being able to feed, clothe and house their children.
I think all children suffer from separation anxiety at some point and it is useful for them to learn that even though mum or dad has to go somewhere, they are with lovely carers who will help them have a great time until mum or dad comes back.

Nancy66 · 13/02/2010 10:55

It is harsh, I agree - but it's true.

I also understand the guilt and problems associated with childcare and working mothers.

but it annoys me how some women (and this isn't attacking people on here I'm speaking in general) try and justify their choices with ludicrous claims.

I have a friend whose 5 month old son is in nursery from 8am until 7pm 5 days a week - in her case, I'm afraid I really do think it would have been better for her not have had children at this time in her life. She thinks it will make him 'more sociable'

lemonmuffin · 13/02/2010 11:11

I agree with Nancy.

It might be a bit harsh on the parents but life is harsh, we're grown ups, we can deal with it.

It's even harsher on the babies/children to have to be in a setting where they're unhappy or distressed for hours at a time.

mrspoppins · 13/02/2010 14:57

Nancy66, if nurseries were filled with crying, underthriving and unhappy children, we'd all notice it pretty quickly!

It depends on the nursery, the child the parent etc...there are so many variables.

I gave up my career to care for mine and begun one that fitted them into it. Others love the job they do and want to carry on..others love being at full time Mum and can afford not to work and so stay at home...equally there are a lot of people not working who are not great Mums either... just the way of the world. I kind of think you have to make your choice and try to be happy with it if you can't do any other and then love your children the very best you can when you are with them.

Missus84 · 13/02/2010 16:04

Nurseries aren't full of unhappy children - lots love it, most will settle and do ok within a few weeks, but some children are unhappy. I think if your child is completely unsuited to nursery then you need to find an alternative.

Dillie · 13/02/2010 16:28

My dd had a few wobbles around this age when she was at nursery. The nursery assured me it was all normal as they just start to realise that mummy/daddy are not there. Most settle within half an hour or so.

I remember there was this little girl at my dd's nursery who got so very upset when her daddy dropped her off. But the girls would always give her a cuddle, or any child for that matter that needed a little extra comfort and love.

My dd is at school now, but I took her back to nursery for a visit, to help with settling into school as she was missing all her friends and was becoming very upset/stressed with the whole school thing (she didn't believe me that all her friends had moved on to different schools). She saw one of the girls there and went running into her arms who responded with such a huge cuddle! Made me well up! The girls had a chat with her and explained that all her friends are at school now too.

Not sure why my dd believed them and not me! But its worked a trick and now settled into school at long last.

I felt hugely guilty about leaving my dd at nursery crying, but it is in my mind the best thing to help them prepare for school/world

menopausemum · 13/02/2010 19:49

I've worked in over 200 early yaers nurseries and pre-schools over the last 15 years as an LEA advisor. Most nurseries have good key worker systems which allow children time to settle with lots of hugs etc. HOWEVER - there are some nurseries where children are not cared for. One only this week told a colleague that they have a policy of not picking babies up 'cos they'll get too attached - hard to believe but true. If children are left to cry for long periods then there is something wrong somewhere. Yes all children cry sometimes and some take longer than others to settle but it is the role of the nursery staff to address this, not just leave the child to get on with it. Parents need to shop around for a good nursery, visit unexpectedly etc and vote with their feet.

Iandjsmummy · 13/02/2010 20:06

I am sure it does depend a bit on the nursery. Mine is fantastic. My DD is now 5 and thriving at school and loved it. My DS is 2 and adores his key worker, he cries for her at the weekends. He was in toddler room for a year with the same carer and my DD also only ever changed carers when she moved rooms so three in the 3 and a half years she was there, all of whom are still there. I think that continuity is really key.

One story I always tell people is this. One morning I dropped dd off when she was about 2 and a half. Another little girl was dropped at the same time and she was crying. Her mum left with me and she was also crying at having left her. I tried to console her but she got into her car and drove off. I looked up to the window to wave to dd and her daughter was beside dd, both were waving with huge smiles on their faces. The other little girl's mum didn't see so would have been left with the impression of her sad when in fact she was smiling again before she had even left the car park!

Also, Ds occasionally cries when I drop him but he also cries if DH goes out and leaves DS with me.

I am sure some children never settle in nursery but others, my two included, thrive in the right one. You can only really judge based on your child and your nursery.

Schoolgirl · 13/02/2010 22:25

Wow - this thread has stirred up some debate - what a surprise ...not!

Back to the OP - just in case it came across that DD was crying solidly for 3 months - she didn't! It's just that she needed a lot of cuddles and a lot of love for that period and slowly became more independent with the encouragement and support of the girls at the nursery.

Not to put Nancy66 on the spot but I do somewhat take issue with this point "It should never be considered normal or nothing to worry about when a distressed child is crying for its mother". I find it a bit..well..over-emotive. I guess it's like the distinction between using controlled crying and attachment parenting techniques. I'm of the opinion that my children will, at some point, cry for me and I won't be there. I've been careful to ensure that this is minimised but I don't have what I would consider the luxury of either family support or being a SAHM so I can't be with my kids 24/7.

Like other posters have suggested, it's a judgement you have to draw from how your child gets on with his/her carer - be it a childminder, a grandma, a family friend or a nursery. It's never going to be easy but if you choose the right people to work with you to help your children, it will hopefully work out.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 27/02/2010 15:00

I don't quite understand why people who don't have a child in nursery come on this topic? Just to say they think nurseries are a bad idea and to try and make people feel worse than they already might? Even though you may have no experience of your child actually being in nursery?

Absolutely welcome to your opinion of course and to make the right decision for your child. Topic would be fair game if placed in AIBU but I thought this was a support thread for people with children in nursery - and in the majority of cases have no reasonable other option other than to put them there.

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