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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Nursery calls me to pick up DS as screaming place down

26 replies

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 13:49

Hi,

DS is 5 months old and has started some trial sessions at out local Montessori Nursery. Each time he attend he is fine to start with and then wont stop screaming.

He wont be settled with milk, dummy, sleep etc.
They call me to pick him up and as I arrived he is in a real state, but once he has a BF for about a minute he settles pretty much OK with me.

He is normally BF and also takes bottles of EBF and FF.

I leave a bottle of FF at nursery for him.
Today I picked him up after 2 hours and the Manager called me aside to say that in her 14 year experience she has never seen a baby react like this. (a bit mean to say this I think). He arches his back, flails his arms and kicks and wont settle.

She suggested I talk to HV or Dr regarding him. Also does he have colic?

I spoke to HV about it yesterday and she said to persevere with it.

As I am typing this he is fine. He just doesnt like being away from me. He is a smiley baby but when he cries at home I give him BF straight away/cuddle/organise a sleep etc.
My DH says he is a nightmare and only wants his mum.

Dont know what to do!

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rubyslippers · 29/01/2010 13:52

the nursery cannot deal with his behaviour so it isn't the right nursery for him

i find it hard to believe that they have never seen anthing like that in 14 years

look for alternative childcare and do not persevere IMO

he isn't a nightmare for only wanting his mum - it is natural What you need to do is find the RIGHT carer for him, in your absence and it doesn't sound like this is the right nursery for him

(my DS went to nursery from 6 months and they handled him really well and he was really nutured)

spongebrainbigpants · 29/01/2010 13:54

When are you going back to work? Could you leave it for a little bit and try again when he is a little older?

Sorry if you are going back soon and don't have any choice .

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 13:55

DH also thinks that the Nursery should not let 2-3 different people (and new faces) look after him white he is there. But for him to familiarise himself with one and get used to that person.

I am so sad for DS as he was so upset. THe thing is he is fine now....
It's me being a softie and giving him the boob all the time.....

OP posts:

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 13:58

I work 21 hours a week (do a few hours every day) and he is only going for 2 morning sessions a week - so its not alot of time away.

I cant beleive the Manager said this to me - its not fair after a couple to trial sessions. I know I am BFeeding and I know he wants him Mum.

Gutted!

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rubyslippers · 29/01/2010 14:00

please don't be gutted

he should, absolutely at this age, have a key worker who spends a lot of time with him and so he has a familiar face

honestly, it is not your DS that is the issue it is a poor nursery

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 14:00

He goes back again on Wednesday afternoon. I am paying for a full session each time and He's there between 30 minutes and 2 hours.

OP posts:

spongebrainbigpants · 29/01/2010 14:02

I wasn't having a dig FtL, just exploring options . And you're not being a softie, you're being his mum!

My confidence in the nursery would be undermined by what the manager said - have you explored other nurseries, or even a CM where he would be looked after by one adult?

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 14:05

Sorry Spongebrain - I know you weren't having a dig at all. Just letting you know what my work pattern is.

Also I'm typing away and not seeing your message.

OP posts:

Missus84 · 29/01/2010 14:08

Maybe a CM will be better as he can bond with one person? Or find a nursery that operates a better key worker system.

No point in leaving it til he's older unless you can wait til he's over 2 imo. The separation anxiety will get worse not better.

spongebrainbigpants · 29/01/2010 14:09

No worries!

Just feel for you cos it's so hard when your kids won't settle atnursery - had a few friends go through it. One changed nursery and one changed from nursery to CM - both successful changes .

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 14:18

Thank you everyone - I appreciate the comments as I feel so sad for him about this. Also cant help but feel like a crap mum.

My 6 year old DD turned out fine and she was FF from 6 weeks and at different nursery from 6 months and had no issues at all.

I am trying tio get him into a routine and wonder if that might help.
The nursery sound like they have given up on him. They said 2 bring 2 FF bottles on wednesday and see how he goes.

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foxytocin · 29/01/2010 14:33

your breastfeeding routine and way of raising your child has nothing to do with his behaviour at the nursery.

I agree with rubyslippers that it sounds like the nursery isn't for him if after 2 hrs they have effectively given up in trying to soothe him.

Does he take formula at home from a bottle? If he doesn't then they should be willing to help you get him used to this alternative feeding method and it will take a few days of intensive 1 to 1 in him. They don't sound like they want to invest the time in him.

Fwiw, i have had 2 bf on demand babies then go to ft nursery and I kept feeding on demand at home right into todderhood. After the initial settling periods which were hard on them (and the staff) they have been very popular with their carers for their contentment and confidence. So it can be done.

coldtits · 29/01/2010 14:39

I don't think you can blame a poor nursery for having a clingy baby. If he wants his mum, he wants his mum. They cannot BE his mum. If you want one to one care, he will have to go to a childminder. He will not get that at nursery. they cannot provide it.

It's nothing you're doing wrong, it's nothing they are doing wrong. Just the way he is. Better they call you when he'#s inconsolable than leave him to scream himself blue.

coldtits · 29/01/2010 14:41

They probably haven't given in trying to soothe him, but have seen with their own experienced eyes that the extent of the soothing they are able to offer is simply not working for him. If he screams for 2 hours he could just as easily scream for nine, and they don't want a small baby to be that distressed.

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 14:44

Coldtits - I agree that they cant be his mum. I may have to look at investing in a CM or different nursey.

Foxy - He does have bottles of FF at home and has had FF at the nursey and also EBF.

Find it bizarre that Nursey managers suggests I see my HV or Dr about it all thou. He is just a normal baby (albiet a bit sensitive)!!!

OP posts:

coldtits · 29/01/2010 14:45

he's a normal baby when he's with you but so far if all they see is screaming they won't see the normal bits.

You should listen to someone who has 14 years' experience.

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 14:45

I meant EBM not EBF (whatever that is)

OP posts:

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 14:48

They have seen him smiley and happy at the start.....

OP posts:

ProfYaffle · 29/01/2010 14:58

FuntoLearn - My dd1 was (well, still is) a sensitive little soul who hated to be parted from me. I went back to work when she was 6 months and settling her into nursery was a long, drawn out process.

Her first settling in session ended in much the same manner as you describe. She was also bf and not happy to take a bottle at first.

In the end I spent a week sitting in the nursery with her for a whole morning. By that time the nursery had become a familiar place for her and she began to bond with one carer in particular. After that she was happy to be left.

The nursery workers did seem a bit taken aback by the strength of her reaction at first but they never made me feel like there was something wrong with her or that they had given up.

foxytocin · 29/01/2010 15:41

While they can't be his mum, they can give him (nearly) undivided attention in a settling in period which for some children can be very difficult over 2 or 3 weeks.

and I have seen nursery give 1 to 1 attention to a clingy child (1yr+ so a 1 to 3 ratio stil) for an extended period of time and seen this child (not my own) adjust to nursery care. It means the nursery may have to put in an extra staff member over peak busy times in the day in that room to make sure the other 1 or 2 carers are not overburdened.

Maybe this is one factor that could make the difference between a good nursery and an outstanding one.

foxytocin · 29/01/2010 15:42

maybe she has had 14 yrs of mediocre experience. dunno.

thirdname · 29/01/2010 15:48

if you choose a childminder make sure you don't get someoe who looks after 5 other children though. Nursery have a bit more flexibilty as far as I have experienced it.

nurseryvoice · 29/01/2010 16:57

aw bless him.. my baby started at 3 months (my own nursery) and ws fine from beginning.
However i remember looking after my nephew years ago and the first 2 times he cried for 5 hours, then he made that bond with me and was ok.
Yes agree he needs to bond with one person so a better key worker system is required,

Original poster

FuntoLearn · 29/01/2010 17:15

Thanks for these really kind comments everyone.

I will speak to the Nursery on Monday about him always having a 1 to 1 keyworker and see how that goes. I will also suggest that I have a photo of that person at home so DS gets used to seeing her face. I'll also take in some photos of us so he has another familiar face. If this doesnt work I have also spoken to a lady (this afternoon) who looked after my daughter at another nursery (which was smaller) who may be able to help out - so we are not at a complete loss ... yet.

I have also booked an appointmnet with the Dr (at the Nursey Managers suggestion) although I cannot see any point to it - and what do I say.... "I have an anxious child who is a bit clingy at Nursery - who is a bit windy and doenst always eat / sleep on command". Somehow I think they'll think I'm wasting their time......

OP posts:

charliesweb · 29/01/2010 17:27

The key person approach was implemented because of research on attachment, and the need for young children to have an attachment to specific adults caring for them. Developing this bond with your sons key person should be the primary aim of the nursery at this stage. He should be given time to bond with one adult (his key person) and should not be being cared for by several adults, particularly in 1 session. Ideally the key person should feed your baby, change his nappy etc.
I would not be happy at this nurseries approach tbh.
(sorry if the post sounds blunt I am being harrased by several children as I type!),

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