I don't want to go back to work anymore, I don't want to leave her-sobs into glass of red wine-

[jeffily]

Ah, I know that it'll all be ok in a couple of months, but we had DD's 1st settle today and she wailed whenever she couldn't see me, and I didn't even actually leave her! I spent ages decidimg on a nursery, but now I am wracked with doubts AND i had to fish a POO out of the bath a minute ago.
So now she's in bed, fast asleep amd I am on MN and sobbing quietly into my glass of red. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK. I don't want to be away from her!

Just needed to tell someone that.

Oh you poor thing. Big hug and another glass of vino for you. Just remember, she will get used to it and you will end up still having a life long after she thinks you're hers.

Oh my goodness totally with you on that, jeffily.

We had our first session yesterday and second session today. I didn't realise I wouldn't be with her today, and the nursery nurse just took her from me when we arrived and said "come back at half past 3!" It was only 2 hours but they were the emptiest 2 hours of my life! Tomorrow she will be there for the whole morning alone, meaning a sleep, and lunch.

Last night I said to DH that for the first time ever I regretted going to uni and getting my qualifications for my silly professional job because if I hadn't had such high aspirations, we wouldn't depend on my salary and I wouldn't have to go back!

A big (non MN!) hug for you.

Thanks Masalamama and pookamoo.

This mothering lark just seems to throw up so many challenges doesn't it! I so know what you mean about it feeling empty without the LO. I wonder what I used to do with my time when I wasn't preparing food/eating/clearing up enormous mess/doing washing/playing with bricks/going to baby group.

Masalamama, that's a lovely way of putting it, and also made me think she will get all big and leave home and I'll be the one who is crying and wishing she was around! It's all cyclical isn't it? And this is the first step in her big adventure of being herself without me. Must grit teeth and not be soppy about it.

Pookamoo- are you having to go back FT? I am lucky in that at least I am only going back PT- though they will be long days when I do. Was your DD ok? did she cry? I have to leave DD today for the first time. Am dreading it, was dreaming about it last night. And I used to be a NN and settle babies into nursery!
It's very different when the shoe is on the other foot !

Hope it goes well for you.

how old is she jeffily?

I promise it gets easier but it is so so hard when they are little and hard when you're leaving them for the first time.

I'm sure it'll get easier but this transition is of course going to be hard Actually she might surprise you though & do much better after the first few sessions. The important thing is for YOU to feel secure & happy & confident in the childcare arrangements you've made, to be sure you've chosen the right place (well as much as you can be sure, ever) & then to try to make your DD feel confident & happy too about it. Of course this might not work immediately, & she has the right to be upset, after all it's only normal she's upset with such a change, it would be abnormal if she didn't! But if she perceives that you're upset & anxious too then that might make it harder so try to appear more confident than you feel if that makes sense .

Thanks everyone, it's nice to know that I am not the only hysterical mother out there, worrying about these things.

foxinsocks, she is 8 months. She'll be the littlest in the baby room on her day. I always thought that I'd be at home with my LO's and they'd not have to go to nursery, so a bit of me feels very that she is not only going, but going when she is littler than everyone else. But we need the £. And also, if I am honest, I need to get some me time back too, even if it is me time spent with 30 ten year olds!

I did try to be brave Maria, and I think I even carried it off. I didn't cry (I so would have thought 'what a drip' about myself reading that pre-baby!). I am happy with the nursery really, it's just that ideally I'd rather she didn't have to go at all. I was all breezy and happy, gave her a kiss and said goodbye, and then left without hanging about. When I got back 50mins later she was crying a little bit, but also playing. I think it'll be ok.

She's currently in the bath with her daddy, taking advantage of his hands being busy holding her to grab his hair/nose/ears. Better go and rescue him.