Tips for helping babies and children settle at nursery

[domesticslattern]

Just wanted to know whether you had tips for helping LOs settle in nursery.

My DD has just turned two, and has a bit of a bumpy time settling at nursery (not helped by me weeping buckets when I drop her off). She cries when we talk about nursery and when travelling there, though the nursery staff assure me she is mostly fine during the day.

I was so worrried about the whole thing that I sought some professional advice, and wanted to share it in case others are in the same situation:

• talk with your key worker about the problem and ask for their ideas
• don't avoid talking about nursery - rather talk about it lots at moments which aren't emotionally charged (eg. "we're having a nice time painting together DD, you paint at nursery too don't you?")
• ask if you can take photos of the nursery room, playground etc. (not with other kids in obviously) so you can look at them together and talk about nursery when not there
• acknowledge that your LO is upset about nursery instead of being over-the-top jolly about how wonderful it is, but at the same time try to lead her on to talking about the nice things about nursery eg. making friends
• go onto Amazon to look for books about nursery, to read together
• ask the key worker to give you more information about what they do in the day, including photos or video- this can be really reassuring (hopefully stop me being so worried)
• take a little time when picking them up to meet the other kids, so you know their names and can help her to talk about them
• leave something of yours behind and ask her to look after it until you get back.

It's all pretty obvious stuff but had all passed me by and isn't in the books, so wanted to share it and see if others had tips too.

My little girl was exactly the same, she started nursery three full days a week mid September this year, literally two weeks before her second birthday. I really did have my heart broken for the first two months, she was devastated every single time I left her, I tried everything I knew and then thought that I may even have to resign from my part time job.

Then came the turning point, there were two significant things that changed her mind; she became close to one of the girls who works there but the real difference was when she found a friend. He played with her, he likes her, he is quite different to her but she really likes him and they connected. She started to talk about him at home and rather than avoid the "we're going to school" conversation we started to talk about going to see him and what fun it would be etc etc. Once they connected she was away, lots of friends and now lots of confidence. Dont get me wrong on Wednesday night she's ready for her four day weekend but she has fun and really enjoys going now.

Good luck, I know i was totally beside myself when DD was like this, persevere, things will come good....and if they don't you'll have to change arrangements, perhaps a child minder would be more suitable for your DD, less noise, not so full on?

Thanks oliviasmama, that is good to hear, how lovely for your DD. It is nice when they are old enough to make friends rather than just parallel play- they are growing up so fast! The psychologist has assured me that LOs are social from birth, so do benefit from being with other children even when little, plus, like your DD, my job is only PT. It is nice to hear positive experiences of someone a few weeks ahead of us.

We aren't able to change arrangements really -it was a childminder which we moved her from TBH (many reasons), and my DH is set on this particular nursery. We will definitely persevere, though of course I would think differently if she was unhappy when I pick her up.

It is so nice to share experiences and tips so thanks for replying. Sometimes it seems as though all the other mothers are sailing through and I am the one at the back covered in mascara crying about my wailing DD!

I've never been one of the mums who cry in the playground, even when my dc were struggling to settle. It's all a great adventure, I don't want to hold them back - I want to wave them off on their voyage of discovery! That said, when ds2 struggled to settle at nursery it was extremely painful: the others had only ever bawled wordlessly, but ds2 screamed "Mummy come back". That was gutting.

IME:
Don't cry, don't show them that you are distressed. At the same time, don't make a song and dance about how fantastic nursery is - if it's that fantastic, why aren't you staying too? A contented breeziness is the right balance, I think.

Tell them something along the lines of "Mummy is going now. Tommy is staying at nursery to play. Mummy will come back to Tommy after playtime. Mummy always comes back." And when you return, say "Mummy came back to Tommy. Mummy always comes back." It becomes a reassuring ritual.

Turn around, wave, and walk out. Don't hesitate, don't turn back.

I would always hand my dc over to the same member of staff, even put the child in their arms if he or she was distressed.

Children often find it comforting to know where you are going - then you don't just disappear into thin air. For weeks ds1 thought I went to Waitrose while he was at nursery. He understood what Waitrose meant, it was a familiar place. He would ask me what I had bought when I collected him, and we would discuss it. Even when I hadn't been anywhere near Waitrose!

Gosh! I'm heartened to know other kids have settling in issues... I just clicked on 'Nurseries' as my DS is having a terrible time settling in

prettycandles - I really agree with your outlook. my mum was one of those who cried in the playground (even when I was, like, 15 ... actually, she still does it now... and I'm 37 xmillion!!) and I hated it, so I try to be very happy and very reassuring...

But, he is only 18 months... He doesn't really understand.

I leave my 4MO DD with him (she is fine, of course!) and have tried to leave toys etc., but nothing works.

he gets so upset, he makes himself sick.

I guess it's just a case of keep going!!

I love the Waitrose idea prettycandles. I also found that there is a "Maisie goes to nursery" book so am going to get that one as Maisie is a big hit in this household. Another thing I have been doing is getting DD to tell me little bits about her day, and she is so pleased to tell me the names of her little playmates! - very cute! and big smiles as she does it!

Interestingly DH dropped DD today and apparently there were no tears at all. Is that an option for your harimosmummy? Lots of other ideas here on this thread... so helpful to share them...

I suspect that my mum was also a playground sobber, tho probably a closet one - but you know how children see right through you! And my mum should have known better - she was an infants school teacher.

I'm sure the child's personality plays some part in how well they settle. My mum says that my elder brother and younger sister could not wait to run into nursery or school, whereas I was terribly clingy, would sob desperately, and took many weeks to settle in at each new place.

I suspect I'll be a closet playground sobber too . We're due to start DS- 16 months- at nursery (2 days a week) in january & I already dread the settling in process, although I love the nursery we've chosen & am happy with our decision to send him there as other forms of childcare have proven very difficult to find in our circumstances.

I think I'll try to convince DP to do the settling in process as, tbh, I think I'll be far too emotional to successfully carry it through!