Is one-and-a-half too young for nursery? And is it worse/different for boys?

[Zoonose]

I am just begrudgingly starting my son off in nursery - he has places booked for two mornings a week while I am at work. We have just started the settling in process and I wanted to take the same approach as I did when I settled him in with his granny, ie I stayed around for as long as it took for him to familiarise and become comfortable with the environment. He now absolutely loves being with granny and grandpa and waves me off to work in the morning without a tear or a worry.

I have been with him for three morning sessions but clearly there are good reasons why I can't keep going and apparently the only way to do it is to leave him to get over it. I was told one of the little boys in his room 'screamed for three months'. There has been another little boy there crying and crying for his mummy which I found heartbreaking. And worse, when she turned up he stopped crying and seemed happy and when she asked if he had had a good time he just said, 'Yes'.

Is one-and-a-half just too young? I don't want to breach his trust in my by abandoning him in an attempt to foist independence on him when he is just too little. He does like all the toys and activities etc - but as soon as I went away - even though I warned him and said goodbye - he was desperately upset. It feels completely wrong.

Am I being overprotective? Anyone else with similar experiences/concerns?

Have you asked the nursery how he is once you have left? Have you called on the phone to check how he is. I know it is awful to think that he is hating every minute but many children seem to settle quite happily once they have got over the 'hurdle' of mummy or daddy leaving him/her.

In my experience, DD1 and DD2 both started with a child minder at the age of 7 months (about 2 years apart) and have always settled easily - we had to change childminders and they were both absolutely fine.

DD1(now 3.2 yo) now goes to pre-school for 2 days a week and settled straight away. I went for the first two afternoon sessions - and she stayed close by as I was there. The first time i left her, she went off to play with the toys and had a lovely time - and asked the adults for anything she needed.

why is it begrudging and do you have any alternative? can he stay with his granny instead or a childminder or are you pretty much set on or stuck with this option? imo some children do better in a 'home from home' environment than others, especially when under 2 but we've all got to live in the real world and if you haven't got a choice, then he'll just have to get on with it - which I don't mean in a horrible way. but if you can sort out a more 'home from home' environment, maybe that's a better option for you and him? you don't sound very convinced about nursery

Thanks for your replies. I am stuck with the nursery as DH won't consider a childminder which I would much prefer (he is concerned about safety, that anyone could go to their house, you wouldn't know etc etc) granny has been doing 3 days to help us out and is wonderful but really can only do 2 and work won't let me drop my 3 days to 2. He's not upset when I go, but once he realises I'm not there (even though he sees me go!) I think the nursery is good - just really not happy that it is right for him as he is. cat64 I like the photo idea, that would help and I will also ask them to be completely honest about how he is so I can form a proper judgement. That said, I'm reassured by what you have said so thank you!

Nurseries can be great, especially for 2 mornings a week, but frankly I would plan to drop back at an unexpected moment a couple of times in the first few weeks. And above all, trust your instinct.

I have had a really really similar experience. I pulled out - I know that is not what you want to hear - but I heard the nursery lie to mothers too. It's going to make my life really hard but I am going to wait till mine is older - the trauma was just too great for him and me - and I've got other kids - it shouldnt be that way.

Thanks Argent. I pulled him out of a nursery when he was 9 months old for similar reasons but had that choice then. I don't have much choice at the moment, and I am reasonably confident with the nursery (different to the earlier one) - I have seen how hard they have tried to do all the things I said he likes to try and calm him down. I've also seen them with other equally upset children and they are very caring and attentive, giving lots of cuddles, but confident and calm at the same time. Quite a few of the staff are mums of little ones themselves which seems to be unusual in nurseries. I still think he is too young - but otherwise I would have to leave work which we can't afford and there are only 10 weeks before I go on maternity lesve so if it really isn't working I'll stop then ... I hope this is all worthwhile though! In my childhood we didn't do this, just went to playgroup when we were about 3, which I think is a better age.

I think the most important thing is that the nursery is good & that (as you say) they look after him & take care of his needs. To be honest, once he forms a close attachment to his key worker (I assume your nursery has a key worker system)? you'll feel more confident & he'll feel ok about it all. The difficult thing is to accept that there will be a process of separation & difficulty. I've worked in nursery settings various times & this separation difficulty seems to be the case in older and younger children. So it's not as if it's something that you'll avoid later on, it's just that later on it's easier ot explain to your child about things etc.

I'm about to settle my own DS in nursery in a month's time (also for 2 days a week) & I feel, like you, that for all sorts of practical reasons it's the right decision. It's just that I'm dreading the settling in process And I also worry that he's too young. However, I've seen many children of the 1 and a half in nurseries where I've worked being very very happy. The idea that 1 and a half year olds walk around aimlessly & unhappily in nursery is simply not true! I've seen it with my own eyes again & again that they're happy & well taken care of, and that they get their needs met. PROVIDED of course that it's a good nursery.

On the other hand, if I'm honest, I would say that it's true that older children are more active & make better use of nursery on their own initiative, just because they can make their own friendships & don't need the staff to interact with them as much as younger children do. But, again provided it's a good nursery, I've never seen a young toddler left to their own devices for more than a few minutes, usually there's a staff member to interact with them, and this is especially the case when they're crying etc.

All this of course depends on the nursery. But I hope it reassures you (I try to tell all this to myself now that I'm about to embark on this journey with my DS). The most most most important thing is that you like & trust the nursery staff.