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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

DD sobbing in corner alone when I came to get her from new nursery - is this normal??!!

22 replies

babykaya · 02/05/2009 22:57

a bit long sorry , need advice . .. !!

My DD is 22 months and had her first proper day at nursery on Friday. She's had three settling in sessions of 3 - 4 hrs where we had lots of tears when I left her and when I came to pick her up but they told me she did settle down and have fun at times (not sure that I believe them now!)

On Friday she was very upset when I left her and I didn't think she was ready to do a full day and try to sleep there yet. I told the staff this but they wanted to give her a chance and said they would ring me after lunch to let me know if she had settled and if she hadn't then I would come and get her.

Nobody rang . . . Eventually I rang and spoke to someone who said she had been fine all morning but didn't want to sleep and was quite upset now. She recommended that I wait and see if the staff could calm her down as we would have to go through this process at some point. I said that I really didn't want her getting distressed to the point that she wouldn't want to go back to nursery and that I would like to come and get her. She told me to give another 45 minutes and they would call me to let me know how she was.

Nobody rang . . . An hour and half later I rang again they said she was ok, hadn't slept, was having a snack but had been a bit upset but not too bad.

Anyway I decided to go and get her, when I got there I found her on her own sobbing in a corner of the garden, clutching her toys and almost clawing at the gate to get out!!! The one member of staff and other kids were on the other side of the garden.

She was so puffy eyed and had obviously cried a lot all day. She was very very distressed just saying "home mummy, home" and reaching for the gate. The staff said that she hadn't wanted cuddles from anyone and had wanted to be left alone.

She is normally a very happy, confident and sociable little lady and it absolutely broke my heart to find her like this.

I have worked in nurseries and do understand that you can't give a child one on one attention all day and that sometimes there really is no comforting an upset child BUT surely they should have called when they said they would and let me know she was that unhappy? Especially when I kept calling and noone called me back?

I'm now dreading taking her back there and wondering whether I should take her out altogether.

Do you think this is normal during the settling in period? Am I being a bit over the top and worrying too much?

I know the nursery staff are nice enough and not mean/cruel but it wasn't my first choice and I'm just not sure about it now. I only took a place because I have been on waiting lists for my local childrens centres for MONTHS but this nursery always seems to have a place (a bad sign perhaps)?

Should I perservere with it now we've started, will it get better??

any advice much appreciated, don't know what to do for the best . . .!!!!

OP posts:

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FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 02/05/2009 23:02

There was only one member of staff? There's no way they should have left her alone to cry, this isn't on. She doesn't sound ready to leave you for this legnth of time yet. Are you returning to work or sending her to nursery so she can mingle?

heavenstobetsy · 02/05/2009 23:04

TBH, I think I would be concerned that such a small child had been left to get in that state without someone calling me.

My 21 month old DD frequently tells me she wants to be 'on own' but that doesn't mean I stop watching her and if she was that upset they should have called you

If it were me, I'd look for somewhere else - particularly given you don't seem to have been too keen on it from the outset.

littleducks · 02/05/2009 23:09

hmmm, it doesnt sound too good

i can forgive a missed phone call or two if it is because they are actually looking after your dd not phoning but they seem a bit disinterested

my dd was left at creche at a similar age and wouldd get angry that i had left her and wouldnt cuddle staff, lashing out if they tried to touch her, but their approach was to hover about till she calmed then distract her and cuddle her and make her fel better or if she wasnt calming to get me back

MoominMymbleandMy · 02/05/2009 23:12

Oh my goodness, poor baby and poor you. I think you know the answer already. If you're not satisfied, then it isn't the place for her.

Original poster

babykaya · 02/05/2009 23:13

I'm self employed and until now have been juggling it with friends/family looking after her for a few hours and me working late into the night when shes asleep!

I do really need a few hours a week to work properly but can be flexible.

Thats another thing about this nursery, they won't let you do half days, you have to pay for a full day and they really discourage morning only sessions.

OP posts:

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 02/05/2009 23:16

I'd look for somewhere else to be honest. A childminder has less children and are often more flexible. You could also nanny share with another family, you can get the tax credits for this if he/she is Ofsted registered and your income isn't too high. This gives you the advantage of being around to keep an ear out.

Original poster

babykaya · 02/05/2009 23:19

litleducks - I think they had been trying to distract and settle her all day but by this point it was 3pm and she'd been there since 9am so it seemed like they'd just given up!

I can half understand that there's only so much you can do but to not ring me when I had repeatedly rang them saying I wanted to come and get her if she was upset?!

Thanks for the replies - my gut feeling is telling me its not the right place - need to trust my mummy instincts methinks :-)

OP posts:

LupusinaLlamasuit · 02/05/2009 23:23

Wot everyone else said. They didn't ring you back when they said they would (which in itself, regardless of how your child was, would ring alarm bells for me).

I think tears are normal during nursery settling in but I would expect staff to both comfort my child properly and recognise I needed proper reassurance also.

Go somewhere else.

TheCrackFox · 02/05/2009 23:30

They don't let you do half days.

TBH I would try somewhere else. How about a CM? A more homely environment might be easier for her.

ThingOne · 02/05/2009 23:38

I don't think it sounds like a good place either. My boys have never cried at nursery or a CM (apart from leaving me occasionally or leaving nursery when they've had a good day). I don't think it's normal. They sound a bit pants to me!

Foxy800 · 03/05/2009 08:52

Hi there,

I work in a nursery and it can be very hard for some children to settle but I would never leave a child to get into that state especially for so long.

I too am a Mum and if it was me I would personally be looking for another nursery or a childminder.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Foxy800 · 03/05/2009 08:54

WE would try everything we could to help the child settle and if a parent requested we call we would, even if it was just to reassure them.
Even if they hadnt requested it but we felt it would benefit them we would call.

Hth

crokky · 03/05/2009 09:05

I would not take her back.

I have just started my DS at a school nursery (he's 3.1 and never been anywhere without me before). One day when I got there, he was crying because a couple of people had got there before me to pick up their kids (I was still early, but they were earlier!). His key worker had picked him up and was cuddling him, so he was not hysterical or anything and she was telling him that I was coming. There is a 15 minute pickup window, so I could have been another 15 minutes so I don't think she was doing it for show - she genuinely cares about my DS.

Scarfmaker · 03/05/2009 12:22

I would maybe give it another couple of weeks to see if your little one settles. Tiredness can cause happy children to become very upset and tearful (as you probably know).

How do the nursery get the little ones to sleep? Maybe they didn't persevere long enough with your daughter and the end result was a very unhappy child. She is also still very young and the different environment will take a while.

Give it a couple of weeks and then make your decision.

I do agree with you though that it was bad the nursery not calling you back those couple of times - talk about lack of communication.

I collect a little one from nursery now and it is very disorganised at collection time.

dizietsma · 03/05/2009 12:47

That really doesn't sound good. Your poor DD.

Have you looked into local playgroups? My DD started off with 2 x a week playgroup for 2 1/2 hours each session. It was a small group of kids all about 2-3 years old with volunteer mums helping out on a rota basis with childcare workers. The good thing about it was that I would sometimes be with her when it was my turn on the rota, made it a bit less intimidating for her, and I got to see exactly how her day would be.

Sufi · 03/05/2009 13:05

They sound bloody awful and I'd be livid if it had been me - don't take her back. My DS has a lovely childminder who kisses and cuddles him and genuinely cares for him - and she'll text me through the day if I'm worried about something and would NEVER not call me if I'd asked. Try a CM instead, they can be really flexible on full or part time/days, and they have less kids so can give your DD the home environment, and love and attention, she deserves.

cookielove · 03/05/2009 15:52

i work in a nursery and nothing excuses not calling you back, we have a manager, a deptuty both who call parents,and also staff members make phone calls, if the child is extremly upset then the parent is phoned the whole point is that u want the child to link nursery with a happy feeling if your child hasn't slept and has been crying for a while they are not going to want to come back, as for not allowing only morning sessions that is ridculous, and i think your right about waiting list, the waiting list at my nursery can be up to and sometimes over a year long if your not happy pull her out

Gorionine · 03/05/2009 15:58

Your pood DD, I would not send her back there!

How many children for just 1 member of staff?

seahag · 03/05/2009 16:00

It would not sit well with me as a parent to go pick up my dd and see another child in that sort of distress as you have described. I'd say find different arrangements like others have suggested, maybe a childminder.

I have observed the staff at my dd's nursery spending a lot of time with children to get them to settle in. One little boy was carried around nearly all day for 2 weeks till he found the confidence to start to mix in with the other children.

(my timetable is such that I take dd in at odd hours)

frustratedmom · 03/05/2009 16:53

Had problems with my son. the only good advice I got was go with your instincts. If you don't feel you child is happy you are probably right. There is no legal requirement for a child to attend nursery and some children can be badly tramatised by nursery. My son was. it took us nearly 8 months to undo the damage done by his nursery. he is now at a play school and thriving.

Find another location. Be it another nursery or child minder or play group. find somewhere were you are confident that they are happy and settled. Don't do as i did and ingore your instincts. they are always right. you are the mum and you know what is best for your child!

Marne · 03/05/2009 17:10

Hi, i had a similar experience with dd1 at the same age, i think it was her 3rd or 4th time at the nursery, she always cried when i left her but i was told that she was ok 10 minutes after i left. One day i went to pick her up and she was inside (at the door) crying whilst everyone else was outside playing, she was so upset (puffy eyes) and no body was taking any notice of her. I pulled her out of the nursery and 5 months latter i put her into another nursery which helped her settle in.

mumeeee · 03/05/2009 18:15

Take her somewhwew else. A good nursery would have called you back and would not have left her sobbing on her own. How many children were with the one member of staff? At this age it should be one adult to every 3 children.

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