Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

Flip

Original poster

8 month old having terrible pre start at nursery

15 replies

Parapluie · 12/02/2009 10:25

My 8 month old had her first pre start session at nursery this week. It was dreadful. After playing happily for 10 minutes she started to cry and cry and wail until she was violently sick all over her hair and clothes. She was then brought to me (I was going through paperwork in the staffroom) and was all teary and gulping.

She then began to cheer up and was giggly and chirpy with her keyworker. But every time she went into the nursery itself without me she got really upset again.

The ladies who work there seem lovely and they have booked her in for a lot more pre start sessions and hopefully things should get better. But I just want either reassurance that they will - or opinions as to whether nursery does really suit every child. For a while I was looking for a nanny for her but gave up as I didn't find any suitable candidates and we are only talking 2 days a week.

What worried me most was the strength of her reaction. I was expecting tears but making herself vomit? The keyworker said she had not seen a child do that either.

I have been so depressed and down ever since. After we arrived home I just sat and ate chocolate rolls and tea. My baby seemed more subdued than her normal self, but that could equally be because she is teething. I feel like the worst mother in the world, if only I didn't have to leave her.

Any words of wisdom appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

giantkatestacks · 12/02/2009 10:29

parapluie - I dont have any words of wisdom -I'll be doing it myself with my dd in a couple of months.

What I can say is that with my ds it did take him a few weeks to settle but after that he was ok.

redskyatnight · 12/02/2009 12:10

Sorry I have no words of wisdom either - just to say that my DD started at 9 months and practically screamed the place down. The nursery staff should be used to dealing with distressed children and will hopefully try lots of strategies. With my DD they found she was soothed by putting her in a baby swing.

It did take a few days to settle and I agree it was absolutely heart breaking, but she WILL get used to it - DD is now 3 and loves nursery!!

tankie · 12/02/2009 12:48

She may settle (whether it takes days, weeks or months), but I don't think nursery does suit every child and I say that as someone who works in nurseries. It is a very tough environment, especially for babies, and it does need a certain amount of robustness. 8 months is also a tough age as seperation anxiety is strong. In the nursery I work in one baby still cries most of the time unless she is being held (which is of course impossible to do all the time) and she's been there about 4 months. However, other babies seem to settle almost immediately.

Did you consider a childminder at all? A more home-like environment and being the only baby might be easier for her.

cmotdibbler · 12/02/2009 12:52

I think that if it was only 10 minutes before this happened, then you might have the same issue with anyone. And teething could have a lot to do with it.

Is she used to being away from you at all ?

If not, it might be easier if your DH could do some settling in with her as the transition would be easier.

giantkatestacks · 12/02/2009 13:26

I think thats a good question from cmotdibbler - how is she when you leave her with other people/family?

Original poster

Parapluie · 12/02/2009 14:24

Well I have only ever left her with other family members in our own home. She has always been fine, even when we are not in the room with her (as in me and DH are not in the room, but she is with eg my mum).

When we have visited relatives she has cried if she is held by someone other than mum or dad, until she has acclimatised, which takes a couple of days. This has never been too bad though, largely because as soon as she cries, we take her back. She is then more than happy to play with others from the safety of me or DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

Parapluie · 12/02/2009 14:40

OP posts:

cmotdibbler · 12/02/2009 14:42

So it was going to be very hard for her to settle into somewhere new with people she has never met before.

I think you'll have to settle her in by staying in the room at first and then popping in and out for longer and longer periods. When you aren't there, go to as many groups and other peoples houses as possible and get others to hold her, in and out of sight of you so that she gets the idea that you will come back and strangers are OK,

giantkatestacks · 12/02/2009 18:32

yes agree - I think you need to practice popping to the shops if you can for half an hour or an hour to get her used to the idea that you will come back and then make the time longer and longer - so you start off with ten mins etc - I think going out of the house would be best cos otherwise you're just going to go back in again.

Try and make the goodbye quite quick and the same each time so she builds up an expectation of whats going to happen but you dont drag it out.

Jauer · 12/02/2009 18:43

No real words of wisdom here I'm afraid (again, I'm about to go through the same thing myself), just good luck for future settling in sessions (next week?).

I guess as suggested above being calm, smiley and happy with her when you drop her off (even though it's perhaps the last thing you feel like) will probably help.

It's always going to be hard leaving a baby, it DOESN'T make you a bad Mum though, don't ever think that! I expect she'll settle soon enough, but do try not to let it get you down - all you want is for her to be happy.... doesn't sound like the worst mother in the world to me!! Good luck!

angel1976 · 12/02/2009 20:46

Parapluie - My DS is in his 2nd 'proper' week at nursery. He had two weeks of settling in beforehand... He was still unsettled at the beginning of the week. The nursery has been brilliant and he has been getting lots of one-to-one... I turned up today and he has had a really good day! The staff said he went off by himself to get toys and he napped well and he was very happy. My DS is almost 1 btw...

It will take time to settle your DD. If you have confidence in the care the nursery is giving her, then stick with it. I took great care choosing the nursery and DH and I were just saying today how lucky we were to have found a nursery we have faith in as it made leaving DS a lot easier. DS has never been looked after by anyone else but me (only left him for a couple of hours before) so it hasn't been easy. He hasn't made himself sick but he has been pretty upset (having to picked him up early a couple of times during settling in).

Today, when I picked DS up, there was a mother there with her little girl who absolutely refused to go home as she was having so much fun there! My feeling is that the initial separation will be difficult but in the long term, I feel DS going to a nursery will be much better for him than being at home with me all day long, day in and out. If you feel really bad about it, maybe leave the nursery for a bit longer. I felt that putting DS in nursery at 11+ months was the right time for us, I could not have bear to do so any earlier. Good luck!

Original poster

Parapluie · 12/02/2009 21:54

Thanks for all your advice everyone. I am going to try all of it out.

If I didn't have to go back to work to service our ridiculous mortgage then I would without question be a SAHM. However that's in an ideal world and the world is far from ideal - my deadline for return is looming and there is nothing I can do about it which to be honest is only making my stress about all this more acute.

You have helped calm me down about the inevitable though and it always helps to know that you are not the only one.

Still dreadfully worried about next week but got everything crossed that it will be better. Will maybe report back in a couple of weeks time.

OP posts:

AngelNanny · 12/02/2009 22:07

I have seen this in children before (although not children this young), where they make them self sick through being upset.

The children get themselves in such a state, that they feel sick (in the same way that when we as adults worry alot and get ourselves upset, we feel sick) They then end up vomiting and when this gets the attention it does they end up doing it over an over again. (They link the vomiting to the cuddles and fuss etc.)

It will settle down once she is settled and use to it. However i do feel that a nanny would be better as it is a one to one and the nanny will be more able to deal with situations like this being able to dedicate all her time to you child and not have to worry about others. Although this situation may not happen with a nanny as it is not nearly as daunting and it is not such a big change like nursery.

Where do you live, there may be a nanny on here that could help you.

Best Wishes

mrsgboring · 12/02/2009 22:19

My DS was like this at 11 months and the nursery told me they thought it wasn't a suitable environment for my DS and that he wouldn't settle. I got a CM at no notice and he was far better there. The difference in him convinced me it was no question a more suitable environment for my DS.

Do keep considering your options and don't feel trapped into sticking with a childcare option if you don't think it is working out for your DD. I didn't pull out of my nursery soon enough because I didn't think I could.

bondgirl77 · 13/02/2009 16:48

Parapluie I wish I could offer you some words of comfort! You are definitely not the only one I am going through the same thing trying to settle my DS at nursery at the moment, he is not eating at all there and has started crying earlier and earlier when we get there, this morning before I even got him out of his car seat. But as others have said the staff are completely used to this and will give them lots of fuss and attention until they get used to it and for lots of children nurseries are fantastic stimulating places with lots of fun activities that us mums don't have the time or energy for at home. But equally as others have said it is not for every child, personally I've decided to give it a month and if still not settled find a CM. I think it is one of those things where your mum instincts will kick in if your DD has still not settled after several weeks. Think it can also take a little longer to settle in if they are only going a couple of days a week too. It is so hard!

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread