Ds 3yrs cries until he makes himself sick at nursery, please tell me it will get better!!!

[Dragonfly74]

Ds had his first session at nursery last wednesday. When we arrived he couldn't wait to run off and play I even had to call him back for a kiss and to say bye. I walked away feeling relieved that he had settled so well.

However I was due to collect him at 11.30am but got a call at 10.45am asking if I could come early because he had shouted for me and when he realised that I wasn't there had screamed and cried until he had made himself sick.

When I got there I obviously gave him loads of cuddles and on the walk home explained that nursery is good fun where you make new friends and that even though mummy leaves I will always be coming back to get him.

I took him again today and again he ran off to play and I was hopeful that he would enjoy it, but I got a call at 10.05am because he had been sick again.
I've spoken to the staff and they think it would be a good idea to break him in gradually and let him come for an hour at a time, which I agree is the way to go but how can I make ds feel secure and happy that i'm coming back for him. Up until now he has never been away from me or Dh apart from the few times he has stayed with family members.

Has anyone else had this problem and how did you get through it?

Hi dragonfly74,

If last Wednesday is the first session, did you not stay with him? Sounds to me like the nursery expected him to settle in straightaway. Ermmm... That's completely unrealistic! We had two weeks of settling in sessions with my DS before we put him in full-time and he is still slightly unsettled (this is his second proper week) though he is younger (just about to turn 1).

The way it should be done is the first day he is there, you need to be there with him and only for maybe an hour while you help him get familiarise with the surroundings... Then you slowly increase it. For us, the second session for 2 hours long, and I left the room on and off (went into the next room and came back when DS started looking for me). The third session, we left him for 2 hours by himself and we slowly work up to leaving him in there for the full day. The nursery staff does not want DS to get stressed in nursery so in the settling period, if he got overly upset, they would call me to come and get him. And that happened a few times.

Also, it sounds to be like your DS is going once a week? The advice we got from the nursery staff was that it was much better if they did more days as once a week, they tend to forget what they had done the week before if it's only once a week as it's too many days in-between. They take longer to settle in that way... From what I have been told, it takes anything from a few weeks to a few months to get them properly settled into nursery. And they will get upset in the beginning when they realise they no longer have mummy or daddy as their slave there all the time. It's natural. Good luck, I hope it gets better for you soon.

Ax

Hi angel thanks for replying,
Ds goes wednesday and friday but unfortunately due to the weather last week the nursery was closed for his friday session.

We were hoping to get him used to it with just a couple of days before April when he will go 5 mornings a week.

We went for an induction where I stayed with him (this was the week before he started) but it was just for an hour.

When he made himself sick last wednesday I suggested staying with him for a couple of sessions and just sitting on the sidelines iykwim but the staff said they didn't think it was a good idea and that it would maybe unsettle the other children.
I understand what there saying but I can't see any other way around it.
Maybe just breaking him in gradually with 1 hour sessions as they suggested might work. I really hope so, Its horrible knowing that he's so upset and obviously thinks i've abandoned him.

Dragonfly74,

Sorry you are feeling bad about your DS going to nursery... But the staff doesn't sound very understanding! I know that eventually the children will settle into nursery but it's how you choose to do it. On one hand, I think yes, there will be a certain amount of upset on the child's part, which is fine. On the other hand, I (and the staff at the nursery DS attends) believe that the child shouldn't get negative associations with going to nursery so the settling in should be as gentle as possible. It is a hard one to balance BUT it does sound to me that the staff at your DS's nursery favours doing it the hard way! I don't want to suggest taking your DS out of nursery as it could be even more unsettling for him to now settle into another nursery... Just take heart in that they won't remember all these in a few years' time and like you said, your DS does run off to play so he will learn that mummy will come back for him and will settle in time. Good luck!

Ax

Ds1 had lots of problems with pre-school at age 4. I wound up staying with him for a bit in the morning for about 2 or 3 weeks and then promised him that I would come get him if they called me but that I wanted him to stay at least (insert amount of time). He finally adjusted but it was a traumatic time for all of us to say the least.

oh, just saw that the staff were against you staying. When I stayed with ds1 we were in the computer room doing a really simple soothing game on Nickjr.com

it sounds like he doesn't totally grasp yet that you will be going away. poor little love
even though you're telling him, it maybe just doesn't really register until he wants you and you aren't there.

I think if I were in your position I would ask for a series of settling in sessions (these would normally be standard... not sure why you haven't had them?)
anyway, I would want to do maybe half an hour, then an hour, then an hour and a half and so on.
and make it clear that you want to stay there until you are sure he is happy.
But, what you can do is say "ds, mummy just needs to go to the toilet, I will be right back" then go and hiude for 5 mins and come back and make sure he sees you/talks to you so he knows you've come back

then you can say a bit later, "ds, I really need to get some milk from the shop. you'll be ok here while I just nip and get it won't you?" and then off you go for 10/15 mins and then come back

what you want to do is really reassure him that when you go away you always, always, always come back like you say you will.

my ds started nursery in Sept when he was three. A very sociable little chap and the first session he just ran off to play (this was for an hour). When ex took him for the second session he ran off to play just fine, but when he was collected staff told him that ds had gone and sat in the corner and cried for us, but they managed to chivvy him along to play. For about 6 weeks he really played up about going to nursery, told me all sorts of wild stories about the staff (the smile gave him away though) and at one point we were thinking of stopping nursery as it was becoming distressing for us.(His gran dropped him off at nursery one afternoon and he spent all weekend with a very sad face saying 'nanny left me') But then he turned a corner.....and he loves it now.

I think to begin with he thought it was like the mother and toddler group i used to take him to and he couldn't understand why i wasn't there for a cuddle when he wanted one.

i don't know what advice to offer re; dealing with the staff because ds is at nursery on the days when ex has him and he does all that stuff. i just wanted to say that i think you should stick with it a little bit longer and have a gently, gently approach.

I had this with my first ds, now with ds2 who is due to start nursery in September at age 2.11 I am doing things a little differently.

I Started in January going one morning a week with him to nursery, Sitting in the background while he "joined" in. Only now is he confident to even look at the teachers! This is going to take a while to get him settled there!!

I know not everyone has the time to give up a morning a week to do this but if you can it may help?

Thanks so much for all the replies.
I have spoken to the member of staff that has dealt with ds both times he has been upset and she said that he seems to be ok if she can spend time with him one on one but obviously this is difficult for her as there are other children to look after, But she suggested changing his wednesday session to tueday instead because there aren't as many children in on that day so she can be with Ds more.

She said to take Ds tomorrow just for an hour and see how he is, so we will see what tomorrow brings. She said even if we increase his sessions by 10 minutes each time we will get there in the end.

Its such a shame because he is a happy confident sociable little boy and I don't want this to make him feel scared and insecure.

Dragonfly74, good luck! It sounds like they are doing their best to help. I know my DS currently gets lots of one-to-one as he has been a bit unsettled. It will help your DS to get some one-to-one attention. You will get there and the day will come where he will happily trot off to join the other kids without a backward glance at you!

Hi Dragonfly74 - just wanted to give you my sympathies as I am going through exactly the same thign with my 8 month old. I have posted separately because she is so different in age from your DS so maybe some opinions/advice might be different.

It's awful isn't it - I never thought my child could be so upset by something she would throw up.

Am sure we will all get through it.

Hugs

Thanks parapluie I hope things soon get better for you and your dd.

I suppose at least I can explain the situation to my ds and he kind of understands unlike with you and your dd as she's obviously to little to know whats going on.

The guilt is getting to me I hate to see him so distressed,The staff call me to ask me to collect him early and as soon as he see's me walking across the playground to collect him his eyes fill with big salty tears and he just clings to me. I know things will get better but I just feel like the worlds worst parent putting him through this.

Good luck to you. xx

Dragonfly74 - Just to give you hope... I went to nursery to pick up DS today and he had a really good day today! The staff said he was happy, he napped well and he crawled off today to get toys and was waving and giggling in the toy car while playing outside. It's taken pretty much 4 weeks but I knew it will happen. Good luck!

you know what dragonfly, if you think he isn't ready then take him out! it's ok to do that. going to nursery at 3 isn't set in stone, although it sometimes seems like it is.

ds1 started when he was 3 and I took him out after a month or so because he just wasn't ready.

he started at a different nursery about 6 months later and was absolutely fine.