boy persistently violent with my DD at nursery - how should I deal with this?

[TheYearOfTheCat]

My 3.5 DD goes to nursery 2 days a week. Over the last month or so, she has consistently been talking about a little boy who she says is really naughty, who kicks, scratches and punches and doesn't say sorry.

I mentioned it to the nursery manager today, in case she wasn't aware of the situation. She advised me that although she couldn't discuss any other child, she was aware of a problem and that it was being dealt with in conjunction with the child's parents, social services and health visitor. I was satisfied the matter seemed to be in hand.

When I got in from work tonight, I noticed my DD has 3 quite bad scratches over her face (quite long, and have broken the skin but not bleeding IYSWIM). I asked her about it, and she said that this boy did it. She gave me a lot of detail about where and when it happened. My DH was the one who collected DD from nursery, and nothing was mentioned to him at the time.

How should I deal with this? I was thinking of phoning the manager to inform her, ask if she was aware, and if there was an entry in the incident book. Does this sound reasonable? Should the nursery be making alternative arrangements if this boy persists?

iwould be phoning her and asking her for the "official way" in which to complain in the strongest terms. as you dont feel it sufficient to simply let this gowith a verbal instruction, as you have already done that, you wish to go to the next stage and would like the complaints process explained to you, stage by stage so you know what to expect.

Thanks Custardo. Bumping for any other views before I make my call?

I think Custardo is right - you need to take this up more seriously with the nursery. For a start, if your dd was injured in their care, they should have recorded it and, if I remember rightly, your dh should have been asked to sign the book too (though this is based on my memories of when the ds's were at nursery, which was 10+ years ago).

I realise that it isn't easy to keep an eye on a particular child all the time, but it does sound as if this boy does need more supervision than he's getting at the moment.

They should have recorded it and told you, yes. That should be standard procedure.

It's a difficult one. My son was a terrible biter at the age of 3 yrs old. it was absolutely mortifying knowing that he had hurt other children (went on most days for about 4 months - needless to say, I didn't make many mum friends at pick up time..)

He has outgrown it, but still has an aggressive streak, and it is coming to light that he amy have some special needs. Sounds like this little boy, does, too.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, but I would want to know what the nursery are doing to manage the situation? I know they can't discuss details of other families with you, but they can tell you what they are doing to prevent your child being hurt on a daily basis (with my son, he was particularly bad with a few children, so was completely separated from them. he was also shadowed by a member of staff most of the time, to prevent him from biting if possible).

I think you do need to mention it to the nursery manager. I would ask if there was a log in the incident book and if not, why not? Then put your complaint in writing.

The boy sounds as if he is getting good care and hopefully his behaviour will change. If it doesn't, I would ask for your DD and him to be separated.

When my DS was a bit smaller than this, he always fought with another 2 boys, they all just did not get on. They separated them all and it was fine.

Well I phoned the manager and told her. She said that there had been quite a few incidents logged on Monday, but she was not aware of any involving my DD, and that the staff hadn't mentioned anything to her.

She is going to log the incident.

I don't know how the staff didn't notice - dd has 3 scratches along the length of her face. They've scabbed over now .

I have told my DD to tell the staff if anything like that happens again, but she says she won't, she will 'just look after herself'. I think she must feel quite intimidated by this boy if she won't even tell the staff.

Surely if a child is a persistent biter the parent (of the biter) should remove the child from nursery. It just isn't fair on the children s/he's biting.

Bullerby, it's not always as simple as that.

My DS went through a stage of biting when he was about 18 months. We don't know why - he comes from a stable, non violent family and had never been bitten at home (although possibly had been at nursery). I felt like I had failed him knowing that he was hurting other children - especially when other parents were talking about it (not knowing it was my DS).

The nursery took it very seriously and set up an action plan in conjunction with us. It took nearly 6 months to fix it, and during this time we know that despite the staff's best efforts to monitor him, there well still incidents.

My point is, the matter may be being dealt with by the parents and the nursery, but it may take some time.

But the staff should have notified you of any incidents - and I would have definitely complained about this.

Potoroo - so children at your DS's nursery had to put up with him biting them for SIX months? You should have removed him from there before then. I certainly wouldn't tolerate my DD being bitten at nursery. The biter would have to go or I would have taken her elsewhere.

Bullerby

So what do you suggest that we do with those children who go through a stage of biting (which actually is very common). Are you suggesting that such children be excluded from all nurseries and hence their parents expected to give up their jobs?

Bullerby - lots of children have biting/hitting/scratching phases. Often the 12 month old biter is a scratching-victim at 2.5. The point is, it's no good excluding children going through these things, they're not malicious or bad kids - it's up to the adults around them, parents and carers to deal with the situation.

Of course Bullerby, there were other children at the nursery that went throuigh biting phases - it wasn't just DS. Sometimes he got bitten too. Parents would never know who their child had bitten, or who had bitten them.

As tankie said - it is a phase some children go through - it is not malicious. Other children went through scratching/hitting phases - DS didn't.

Not once did the nursery suggest that he go elsewhere.

Well I have spoken to the manager again, in a 'I understand these things happen, but if were to be a regular occurrence I would want to be hearing more assurances about what you will be doing to prevent it' sort of way.

She has assurred me the matter is being proactively dealt with, and that my LO is not being singled out - this is affecting lots of the children in the room.

I asked if they had an exclusion policy if the interventions didn't have any impact. She intimated that the boy in question probably will not be returning to nursery next week.

for the little boy in question - who knows what issues he is dealing with - but also relieved for my DD.

Sounds like there is a lot more to the situation than a normal phase.