Feeling awful...

mummy2rachel · 2008-11-03T10:20:04+00:00

Just sent my 5 month old dd for the first time to nursery today. She was crying when I left. I bet she will be crying for a long while more. She must be feeling lost and asking her poor little self 'where is mummy?'. Feel awful...wish I didn't have to send her to nursery, but I will be going back to work soon. I didn't think it would be this hard, but I am crying too...

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MamaG · 03/11/2008 10:24

oh its the hardest thing for a mum to do. I sobbed all the way to work on my first day back.

I'm sure the staff will give her extra care today and she'll be fascinated by the other children.

You'll thank yourself when your happy, confident little girl bounces through the door into reception, and isn't one of the clingy-leg crying ones! I firmly believe that my going back to work helped make my two DC so confident.

Be kind to yourself, have some chocolate and try not to worry. Why not ring them in half an hour to see how she's settled?

Notquitegrownup · 03/11/2008 10:25

Aw bless. It is much harder on you, than on her, honestly. She won't still be crying. At 5 months, babies adjust amazingly quickly and someone will be cuddling her and distracting her. She will probably be a bit confused there, today, but will be taking it all in, and next visit, it will be more familiar to her. Can you phone the nursery and ask how she is? In my experience a good nursery won't mind at all and will be able to reassure you.

cmotdibbler · 03/11/2008 10:28

My DS has been in FT nursery since he was 4.5 months old - so I've seen a lot of new starters ! And they cry at most for 5 minutes (they pick up on your stress and go with it), then play happily. DS decided this morning that he wanted me to stay and cried when I wouldn't - by the time I was outside I could see him running round like a loon with his friends (he's 2.5 now) perfectly happy.

Go have a nice coffee and some chocolate - it'll all be fine, promise

Original poster

mummy2rachel · 03/11/2008 10:32

I just called nursery and I could hear her crying in the background. Her keyworker said that she was crying on and off. My poor baby...
I know the staff will take good care of her today. there were only 3 babies and 3 staff! Still not easy to let go though.

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mankymummy · 03/11/2008 10:36

my DS did this for the first week i took him to nursery. NOW... he cries when i go to pick him up cos he's having so much fun and doesnt want to come home .

Very embarrassing.

It will be fine, honest.

ExtraFancy · 03/11/2008 10:39

Oh you poor thing. It does get easier, I promise...I hated leaving my DS at first (he started when he was 8mo) but he absolutely loves it now (15mo). He cries when I put him in his pushchair to come home, and he loves his friends/carers.

She will be fine

Original poster

mummy2rachel · 03/11/2008 10:49

Thank you for all your reassuring messages. I feel better now. I really hope she will adjust to nursery soon.

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EvaA · 03/11/2008 11:33

Oh, I came back from dropping my my 10 month old at her nursery for her official first day there. (She has finished the settling in period on Friday).

She burst into tears when I put her into her keyworker's arms. I felt HORRIBLE and GUILTY and as if I was the world's worst mother. She had been so happy and chirpy this morning, babbling all the way there and laughing to herself. It made me feel terrible.

After I left I spied into the room and I could see her sitting and playing and not crying, so I do think that what the others here are saying must be true; it is harder on us than on them.

I was really pleased to see this discussion today. It made me feel better too.

anniemac · 03/11/2008 11:35

This reply has been deleted

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BeanieBag · 06/11/2008 10:16

I've just started my 13 month old at nursery this week as I'm back to work on Monday. Today was her third day and she has cried every day when I hand her to her key worker. It breaks my heart. I don't remember it being this bad with my first DD. She is also becoming more clingy at home, especially at night. Last night she was up for two hours and was perfectly happy, tho awake, as long as I held her. Didn't want anyone else, just me. This is not the norm. Has anyone else experienced this?

williamsmummy · 07/11/2008 09:48

yes, it is for some.
its a huge adjustment going to nursery , and its a long tiring day.
just keep talking to your key worker, and keep cuddling her.
if there is not improvement soon, you might need to re-consider your childcare, or ask for suggestions from nursery manager so that you both help your baby settle in and be happy.

you cant just judge this on previous child, each baby person is different.

if its any consolation I used to run the baby department of a nursery and i used to get tearful when the mummys did.
I was very happy to call them, and always asked for tips on looking after the babies.
for instance how did they like to be held?
did they have a dummy /toy/blanket/ song?
and in the early days of settling in, more care is really needed.
of course this is only possible with the full amount of staff.

I remember getting angry and tearful at parents who couldnt come and get their poorly babies and take them home.
( when faced with a poorly baby you dont think of the parents employment struggles/money)
I remember taking one child to a local docotrs as an emergancy because the parents didnt/wouldnt come. ( this was many years ago btw!)
So some of us nursery staff do care and love them.
many years later i am still in touch with some of those mums, and hear news about the children, some of whoom are in uni right now. ( how time flys!)

Original poster

mummy2rachel · 10/11/2008 10:44

An update: my dd is in nursery for the fourth day today. She wouldn't let me put her down when we arrived and cried when I finally had to. This is so upsetting. I just feel so awful for making her go to nursery. She has lost some weight too because she refused to feed in nursery. To make matters worse, we caught the cold last week. It is better now but I know that it is common to catch colds when they first start nursery. So I wonder how many more are there to come. I am not working now, so it is ok. How will I cope once I start working? What should I do?? Silly I know, but I am thinking, did I scar her for life by making her go through all this?!!

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pudding25 · 11/11/2008 10:00

You poor thing. I know I am going to be feeling exactly the same way when I have to send dd to nursery when I go back in April -but, I have lots of friends who's dc go to nursery and have gone from a very early age. All of them are 2/3 yrs old now and are lovely, happy, well adjusted, friendly and confident children. I am sure that all of them had settling in problems. I am going to try and think of them when I take dd to nursery (but I know that I am also going to be on here asking for reassurance and crying a lot too).

Hope you feel better today. I bet in afew weeks you will be back on here saying that she is having a great time.

pudding25 · 11/11/2008 10:00

You poor thing. I know I am going to be feeling exactly the same way when I have to send dd to nursery when I go back in April -but, I have lots of friends who's dc go to nursery and have gone from a very early age. All of them are 2/3 yrs old now and are lovely, happy, well adjusted, friendly and confident children. I am sure that all of them had settling in problems. I am going to try and think of them when I take dd to nursery (but I know that I am also going to be on here asking for reassurance and crying a lot too).

Hope you feel better today. I bet in afew weeks you will be back on here saying that she is having a great time.

Original poster

mummy2rachel · 11/11/2008 11:01

Thanks for the moral support, pudding25. She gave her keyworker half a smile this morning when I dropped her. So hopefully she will settle soon. Fingers crossed.

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doggiesayswoof · 11/11/2008 11:09

It is THE most difficult thing to do. DD started nursery at 5 months and I cried loads for the first couple of weeks. Of course she was fine and still goes to the same nursery and really loves it - she's 4 now.

It is still really early days for your dd. She will settle and you will cope.

I would try and have a chat with work about possible illness before it happens - your lo will get colds and maybe tummy upsets etc and you will need to have a plan to deal with it. DH and I took turns having time off and my mum helped out occasionally when she could manage.

Your dd will get loads of attention. The staff will be very used to helping babies settle in as well.

groovygranny · 12/11/2008 12:22

My daughter has just started taking her 19 month old son to nursery as she has started work. He is going for two consecutve days a week. Last week (week 1) he was Ok when she left him, but today (4th day) he was very sad. The nursery staff say he doesn't cry tears but just makes the noise. I feel so sorry for my daughter having to work whilst worrying about him. She's concerned that it must be horrible for him - 2 days and then nothing for a week. Any advice would be SO appreciated.

AilsaCelia · 29/11/2008 10:50

i am starting my 11.5 month old at nursery and it is breaking my heart. she's had 4 settling-in times in the past 10 days and she cries pretty much the whole time she's there. when i go to collect her (the longest she's stayed is 2 hours) she's in a kind of fury of frustration at being left. the nursery staff seem to think that because she's not crying 'real tears' that she's kind of okay. i thought the problem would be her feeding / sleeping when she's there, but she just seems so upset at being left. people say it's harder for me than for her, but she doesn't know when i'm coming back or why i'm leaving her there in the first place, which seems terrible. i'm meant to be working two full days next week, but don't see how that will be possible. is there anything i can do to make it easier for her? i don't know how to talk to the nursery staff about it either. oh dear, sorry this sounds a bit pathetic, but i'd be very glad to hear how other mums cope with this.

pudding25 · 29/11/2008 22:14

I would definitely have a chat to the staff. I am sure that they are used to having these conversations with mums and should hopefully be able to reassure you.

EvaA · 15/12/2008 10:06

My daughter started nursery the same day as the OP of this thread. I'm just wondering how her little girl is doing?

I've had a really hard time with it. Every time I hear people make comments about under 2s in nursery I feel a wave of guilt. There was something in the Observer this weekend about it, and I stupidly read comments on the website, which had people writing about how we are selfish for having children and not wanting to look after them ourselves!

I remind myself that her nursery is a delightful place, with excellent care, and also she only goes there 2 days a week, so most of her life is spent with her parents. But still, it's amazing how guilt inducing having someone else look after your baby can be.

However, I also wanted to say that even though I have been feeling guilty, my daughter is actually loving it now! A few weeks ago she stopped even bothering to do the 10 second crying when I'd leave, which did make me feel better. Now when I drop her off in the morning she just wants to be put down asap and start playing. I give her a big kiss goodbye and she says bye and that's that! So, even though I still feel guilty conceptually, I also realise she is enjoying herself and that is a huge relief.

I really hope every else is having a better time with it too!!

Original poster

mummy2rachel · 15/12/2008 20:32

Thank you for enquiring, EvaA. My dd is settling a lot better in nursery now. She still cries when I drop her off in the mornings but seems to settle soon after. Dh was initially going in during his lunch breaks to check on her. Now that she seems a lot more settled, he is stopping his lunchtime visits.

The guilt, oh, the guilt...yes, it is still so strong. I never thought I could feel so guilty and I don't think it will ever go away. I only hope that the nursery will have a positive impact on her and that is my little hope to assuage the guilt.

Yes, wouldn't it be nice if I could afford to be a sahm. But I can't and we just need to get on with it. The bright side is I know I am providing her with a more secure future financially. My own mum worked throughout my life and I am always so proud of what she has achieved, both at work and at home. I hope my dd will feel the same way too when she is older.

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EvaA · 16/12/2008 20:41

I'm so happy to hear she is settling! I think you are right that your dd will be proud of you. My mum always worked too, so I know exactly what you mean.

I have some friends with dds now 6 and 7yrs, who started nursery at 5mo or so. They are the brightest, funniest, smartest, friendliest girls. Apparently neither of them settled easily at the beginning, but eventually loved it.

So, I really don't think we are doing any damage. One day they start to love nursery, and then all they know is that they love it... if you get my drift. It's definitely harder for us mums!

Best of luck!!