Three-year-old struggling to settle at nursery after illness, any advice?

[SilvieG]

Hi everyone, I could really use reassurance or similar situations to hear about because I’m going down the rabbit hole. My son is 3,5 and has started nursery in January (Scotland). He was very upset at the beginning but gradually built his stay up from 30 min to 3-4 hours.
Then he was ill for 3 weeks and we are back to square one, it’s been 3 weeks he’s back but I couldn’t leave him for one single morning. I had to pick him up 20-30 min later because he’s made himself so upset that vomitied (that’s usual when he’s upset).
I’m aware he has some delays emotionally and socially (we don’t have any family members so didn’t learn how to interact). I stayed with him few mornings for an hour and he was fine. But today even when we entered the building he had a full meltdown, and I just couldn’t leave him there. The nursery referred him SLT and autism assessment which I’m fine with, at least we find out what’s going on.
On the other hand, I’ve no issues with him at home, listens to us, sleeps well, eats well, has plenty vocabulary but the back and forth conversation is missing. I’m wandering if anyone in the same or similar situation could advise or let me know what the outcome was. Should I force the nursery? I want him to socialise but see him every morning like this eventually makes me cry every day, too. Tank you for reading!

You say you dont have family members so he doesn't know how to react... do you go oit and avout with him? Park, shops, music class, visit friends.... these are good opportunities too.

Keep pushing the help with the SENCO for sure. Does he also have issues with his physical health? 3 weeks is a very long illnesss.

We also have a garden, so plenty outside and barely any screen, max 1 hour/week

Go out every day somewhere, a park or shops, he holds hand, no issues. He had a bad ear infection that’s why stayed home for longer time. Other than that he’s healthy and usually swings back from any illness (barely has any)

Do you mind me ask what SENCO is?

Oh, that sounds so hard for both of you. Three weeks is a long time when you're only 3½, so it's not surprising that being off ill may have knocked his confidence and set him back a bit.
From what you've written, I wouldn't jump straight to autism. Some children really struggle with separation, transitions and new environments, especially after a break. The fact that he had worked up to staying for 3–4 hours before suggests he was making progress.
I'd also try not to worry too much about the referrals. Services such as Autism Detect UK often emphasise that assessments are there to provide clarity and support, not to label a child.
Personally, I wouldn't force nursery if he's becoming so distressed that he's vomiting. I'd work with the nursery on a very gradual approach and see what the assessments bring.
Be kind to yourself too, this sounds incredibly upsetting to navigate as a parent.

Thanks so much!! I feel so alone with this, especially watch all the children being happy in nursery. I’ve a 1,5 year old, too, and he already talks back and forth (without comparing, but it’s a fact), although my 3,5 gross motor skills are amazing, great in football and walks since he was 10 months old. He memorises books, name anything you want, animals, planets, all dinosaurs, shapes, colours. He has normal eye contact, listens to small instructions. He basically potty trained himself during his illness in few days, no accidents days or nights since then.
When he’s so upset, the moment he sees me coming for him, he calms down, and by the time we reach to the gate, he’s dancing and singing. The nursery is supportive though in hand him over to somebody else every morning, and it is a very big nursery close to 100 children all together. I just keep thinking what would be the best for him because I don’t want to traumatise him but he needs to learn some social skills. Thanks all the answers so far!

We had something similar only it wasn't an illness, it was another child being and absolute rip to my boy among others which the nursery did nothing about, I guess if the parents are paying, its revenue best not lost. we went on https://www.nurseryadvice.co.uk/ and found another nursery literally an extra mile away with an outstanding ofsted. He is like a different child.

A three-week illness can be a significant break for a child that age, so it's understandable that settling back into nursery has been difficult. It sounds positive that the nursery has arranged referrals to help assess any additional support he may need.

The fact that he's doing well at home with sleep, eating, and language is encouraging. Continuing to work closely with the nursery and the professionals involved should help identify the best approach for him over time.

My ds had to be fetched home from nursery at a similar age because he was ill, he was only off for about 3 days but when he returned cried every session about the same time because he expected that he was going to be collected early. It took a good month for him to understand that he was there for a full session, like yours he was fine at home, a good talker, very intelligent. He was later diagnosed with autism which both nursery & school missed, I had to ask for an assessment.