Nursery regression / copying behaviours

[IrredeemablySo]

I feel awful even writing this because I grew up very poor, ‘did well’ and have always been a huge champion of state education and genuinely believe in children from all walks of life mixing. But I’m really struggling at the moment and would appreciate some perspective.

My DD started at our local school nursery in September (city centre). It’s our first choice for Reception. I didn’t really “shop around” as it’s our catchment and I liked the leadership team when we visited.

However, I’m starting to regret it and feel like I’ve failed her.

For context, I’m a former teacher so I’m probably on high alert for anything that feels “off”. My daughter has met all her developmental milestones but does have some communication difficulties around eye contact and peer interaction. She’s a happy little thing, but play tends to need modelling and scaffolding…she doesn’t naturally join in complex social play without support.

Since starting school nursery, staff have said she’s “come out of her shell”. I know that’s meant positively, but I can’t shake the feeling that she’s masking and heavily mimicking other children in order to fit in.

Some examples are:

• She was fully toilet trained at 2, but has started intermittently pooing herself and asking for nappies, saying “Seb does it” or “James gets a nappy change”. She keeps saying she wants a nappy like X child. I know most children in the class aren’t toilet trained at 3 as nappies are handed over by parents at the door.
• Lots of gross toilet humour- pretending to poo on the floor, making fart noises, “spreading” imaginary poo around. Again, “so and so does it.”
• Intermittent screaming for no clear reason…“X does it.”
• Spitting, same reason.
• Coming home repeating things from TikTok (I work in marketing so I recognise the trends). I assume it’s older siblings, but it still feels jarring in a nursery context.
• Wanting to play games centred around killing and shooting. We have NOTHING at home that would have influenced this.

I completely accept that she is choosing to do these things. I’m not blaming other children, but I do see this play and behaviours in the corridors and she is telling me she is copying her friends. And she struggles socially and tends to copy as a strategy, I worry she is absorbing and mirroring behaviours without understanding them. She was at a Montessori nursery between 2-3 and had no issues like this, at all :(

Separately (and this is the bit I’m nervous to even mention), the general environment feels chaotic. On the walk to school there have been multiple loud domestics, lots of vaping at the gates, etc. I grew up around that sort of thing and maybe that’s what’s triggering me- I’m suddenly very aware that I don’t want my children thinking some of this is “normal”.

I feel conflicted because ideologically I believe in our local school and mixed communities. But emotionally I’m worried this particular cohort just isn’t a great fit for her needs.

Am I overreacting? Is this just normal nursery boundary-testing and I need to calm down? Or would you be concerned about regression + heavy mimicking in a child who already finds social communication tricky?

Please be gentle… I’m genuinely trying to reflect on whether this is my baggage or a real issue. 😕

My DD is 34 and DS is 30. They wouldn't have been allowed to start at pre-school at the age of three unless they were toilet trained (at least during the day). I didn't realise how many children are now still in nappies at that age. Times have certainly changed.

I have a 4 and a 2 year old in preschool and I don’t think this is normal. My DS4 finds anything to do with poos hilarious at the minute so the toilet humour is annoying but normal. The other stuff is not. I would move settings. My kids preschool doesn’t allow the boys to play shooting games and it sounds like they have too many children with additional needs that are not being adequately supervised.

I don't think there's anything out of the ordinary about what you've described. I do think if you don't like the setting then you should move.
I moved my 3 year old from a creche to a montessori preschool and took him out after 4 months because he hated it and so did I. He then went to a prereception at a private school (age 3) and thrived. In both settings kids had to be potty trained and NOT in nappies to be accepted otherwise they would be sent home. The first month they allow for accidents.
DS is now 5 and in reception class, lovely cohort, lovely parents, lovely teachers. Very common for the boys to play guns with small sticks when at the forest/playground. Talk of "killing" not unusual - at this age it can be quite naive or kids getting caught up in story telling - often teacher will make up a story give the kids the beginning and then ask them what happens next - 9/10 someone gets killed. Toilet humour very normal- poo, wee/bum/poo head every other word. These are just phases kids go through.
I have heard of incidents of spitting in another primary school and it was a problem because the school didn't see that it was a problem so did nothing to discourage this behaviour.
As for the copying/mimicking - I'd closely monitor your child. Might be nothing. But my son has ASD and he would repeat what other kids said, copy their action, was more of a follower. So we have to try to keep him away from badly behaved kids.
Regressions can be normal during periods of stress, change, ill health.
There will likely be some SEN kids (at that age probably not diagnosed yet) in your child's class which could explain some of the issues. In DS class of 19 kids, we have 4 kids with SEN which has only just come to light. So 20%. One SEN child frequently has toilet accidents and frequently uses "undesirable" words but the class have learnt not to make a big deal out of it. We've also had issues with biting from other kids from nursery up to age 5 - not uncommon as they're still young. Thankfully that's stopped now

Sounds absolutely dire, I'd move her and quickly.
You put her into the setting with the best of intentions but it's clearly not suitable for her (or you).
Have been around schools for many years (including some pretty poor/rough areas) and never heard anything like you describe. My 2 primary age children have a mixture of youngsters in their classes (poor home influence etc) but again, nothing to this extent.

If she's struggling socially I would look into autism. Regression in young children is quite common too.

Tbh, it sounds like there’s a very good reason every other parent has chosen the other school in the area…
The ideology of children from all different walks of life mixing is lovely but this is the hard reality of that. Sadly many young children are allowed to behave however they wish without repercussion, are bought up by YouTube and are given no boundaries whatsoever. Therefore your child will learn these behaviours from them if they are friends.
Before people jump on me, I’m really not saying all parents or kids from disadvantaged backgrounds conform to this stereotype but I work with disadvantaged children and I see all this most days. It’s often from a lack of the most basic parenting and there’s many many reasons why that’s the case. God, don’t get me on my soapbox, I could be there for hours… but at a bare minimum, just look at all the government cuts to parental support that have happened in the last 20 years (where did all the Children’s Centres and free parent groups go?) plus the huge rise in the technology at our fingertips (obsession with phones and screens, instant streaming etc.)
I could go on and on and on about this but I won’t, suffice to say this isn’t just a minor problem in disadvantaged areas, this impacts the whole of society.

I would move her out asap - this is not normal. What you described seem quite extreme and clearly the teachers are not trying to nip it in the bud!

Especially at such a formative age group - there should be reinforcement that bad behaviour is not ok.

That's because laws have since changed as it is now much more likely for children with SEND to be in a mainstream nursery or school and it can be impossible to tell at 3-4 if a child is SEND.

I think the issue is you’ve gone from a private nursery where you probably had a lot of parents very much like you, to a school nursery which will attract all walks of life. If it didn’t happen now it would have happened at school anyway.

Some of what you’ve said is normal - toilet talk, not being potty trained at 3, shooting games, even spitting (my DS went through a phase of this at 4, I HATED it and he knew I hated it which was probably why he did it).

I’m intrigued what you mean by TikTok trends. I would guess that’s an older sibling thing. As PP says, you can only live in a CBeebies bubble with your first and generally once they’ve started school they are exposed to all sorts via the other kids.

I think the issue is more the copying as if not now then she would have copied this behaviour at school anyway? So maybe something to work on.

Obviously if you’re truly unhappy and have a gut feeling about it then move her, and also really make sure you have a proper think and research at schools. Just be open to the fact you can’t protect and shield her from any undesirable behaviour you might not agree with in the future, it’s more about how you then manage that.

I understand all that, but I hadn't realised how common it was these days. I don't think any of DC's classmates ever had a diagnosis of ADHD, ASD etc. There probably were some who had SEN, but it went undiagnosed.

I have 3 DC, who went to different nurseries and none of them did any of these things. Toilet humour for them was more saying poo, laughing if someone farted, finding it hilarious if anyone said bum, that sort of thing. No smearing, spitting etc. One of the nurseries actually took a friend aside to
tell her that her DC had spat and that they couldn’t allow it, please could she talk to him. All DC went to the local comp.
I wouldn’t stay there, especially as you are concerned she is masking anyway.

My son starts reception in Sept and this has actually put the fear in me because I’ve just realised that nursery/preschool settings is such an innocent bubble.
all your concerns are valid to be honest and I would be taking it up with the school or changing schools. Other than that, you might need to start being firm with your LO

This isn’t normal. Sounds like a group with a very high needs SEN contingent in this group. I haven’t seen anything like this in the large city state pre school.

Dont worry I’ve got two in state education and never seen anything like what the OP is describing

My friend chose her primary school for ideological reasons as she wanted her son to be in her local school in her local community. She knew it didn't have a great reputation but she thought it would be good for her son to be in a diverse environment. However, it isn't really diverse as anyone who could get their child into a better school has done that. He is now getting bullied for being gay by the boys because he different to them (age7). Last time I spoke to her she was considering homeschooling. She is in an area where there is a really good faith school, an oversubscribed excellent state primary and a choice of private schools and she now thinks her son is basically in the sink school. Does your area have a range of schools? It sounds like this could be a similar situation. If it is, then I would look at other options.

It depends. If they're all in nappies, mimicking smearing and spitting at each other all day, then no.

If these things are happening infrequently (like child spits, is told off, and it’s dealt with), then it’s not concerning.

It sounds like your dd has additional needs and is more prone to outside influences hence the copying. Have you spoken to the teachers to raise your concerns? If other children are actually doing and saying these things then the adults will be aware.

I live in a very very working class area, a very deprived area. My kids have been in a local nursery since one and I have never experienced this. The closest we got was my daughter peeing all over herself because she was “ trying to pee standing up like jack”, which I found very cute and innocent! So no children at 4 in nappies, regular poo smearing, violent games and showing each other their bums doesn’t sound at all normal.

I would not want my child in the setting if it were “chaos” etc… and I would assume if there is a lot of spitting or poo-smearing etc… that some of the children’s needs aren’t being met. Hard though if she is going to primary there, as it she’ll be back in that cohort anyways.

I am not expert but with regards to copying or regressing with behaviours, I’ve not had that at all with my daughter at preschool. If anything she’s matured a lot. Some kids aren’t potty trained and definitely a mixed demographic. So that may perhaps be a separate issue to work on with your daughter.