Need perspective: nursery worries after recent London case

[ai38]

Hi all,

I’d really appreciate some perspective as I’m not sure if I’m overreacting.

My daughter is 2 years 3 months and has been at nursery since November. Apart from the first month (normal drop-off tears), she seems very happy there. She runs into class every morning without looking back, talks about her teacher and friends at home, and generally appears to enjoy it.

Since last week she has started screaming and crying hysterically during nappy changes at home. She presses her legs tightly together and begs us not to use cream. Around the same time, she has become extremely clingy to my husband (not me). She wants him constantly — even follows him to the bathroom — and if she wakes at night and I go in, she cries harder because she only wants him.

I recently read about the sexual abuse case at another London nursery, and in a moment of anxiety I googled signs of abuse. She doesn’t show most of them, but I read that becoming very clingy to a “safe” caregiver can be a sign. Combined with the distress at nappy changes, it has really unsettled me.

Am I catastrophising because of the news? Is this just a developmental phase (strong parent preference, nappy resistance at this age)? Or would you raise this with the nursery?

If you would speak to them, how would you phrase it without sounding accusatory or hysterical?

Thank you

My DS went through a similar phase a while ago, refusing nappy changes. After we dug into it a bit it turned out he didn't like the cold baby wipes.

We've also had similar resistance when he's been constipated, i think getting wiped can be uncomfortable when constipated. Also, if they already have a sore bum they might just not want it wiped or cream on because they hurt.

Just some ideas to try and solve it. I did worry about the same thing as you at the time. Could you somehow ask her? Be careful not to put words in her mouth though. Probably a good age to teach her who is allowed to do what. I told my son that only me, his dad and nursery teachers are allowed to touch him down there when changing his nappy and exactly what care is allowed.

I’d never want to tell anyone that they should dismiss their concerns. But I will say that children that age having a strong preference for one parent vs the other is quite normal. I think if you googled “toddler prefers dad Mumsnet” you’d probably find a lot of MN posts about it.

It's one of those things where you can't say "that won't mean she's getting abused at nursery" because only someone who's by her side at nursery could say that, but a toddler hating nappy changes is not unusual.