Dummy use at nursery - worried!

[HagueMum]

My DD has just started nursery and is taking a little while to settle and to build trust with the nursery staff. She uses a dummy solely for sleep (naps and nighttime) so I provided them to the nursery and made it clear from the start that she just has a dummy for sleep and only in desperate circumstances i.e. she is inconsolable, they could offer it to her to help comfort her. However, each time i have picked her up, she has had a dummy in her mouth (granted one or two occasions she may have just woken up so that’s okay). When I picked her up today the staff member told me she basically wants it all the time and gets upset when they take it away. This is also made worse by the fact she sees other babies who have one throughout the day and tries to take theirs so the staff have suggested this is also why they give one to her. I’m at a bit of a loss really as this just goes against everything in terms of how I use the dummy with her and I also worry she’ll then start expecting it when she’s with me. I don’t really know how to deal with it. If I discuss with the nursery I’m sure they will say they have no choice but to give it to her so she doesn’t take anyone else’s. Has anyone else been in this predicament and have any advice?

They absolutely don’t HAVE to give it to her. They can redirect her if she’s trying to take them off other babies.

They do NOT have to give it to her.

Most Nurseries spend a considerable amount of their energy dissuading little ones from using a dummy. Also, in many cases, trying to persuade the families to stop putting a dummy in their child's mouth throughout their waking hours.

If the Nursery are going against all advice over this pretty basic thing, I would be concerned about what else they are doing that you wouldn't necessarily be aware of.

I'm aware it isn't easy to move childcare, so don't tend to advise it generally on here, but I would be very worried about this Nursery.

I (cm) warn parents that in the beginning, dummy/muzzy/ blankie/ teddy use with me will increase but only whilst I settle them. It's a lot to expect them to adapt to new people new environment and new routine and not give them a familiar comfort whilst doing so. However I do reduce it rapidly as settling happens and often they end up having it less with me than at home.

I'd give her time to settle and then you might see that the dummy is naturally used less anyway.

Honestly, when you look back in five years, none of this will matter a single iota, I promise you. If the dummy is comforting your baby, then let her have it.

I agree that it can be a settling in thing. Neither of mine took a dummy, got attached to a comforter, etc. – I encouraged a 'favourite' cuddly toy a bit before starting nursery (held it along with them when breastfeeding, slept with it to give it my scent, etc.). At home, they vaguely liked said teddy. Their early nursery photos? They are holding said teddy in almost every one. And then after a bit, it dropped down to naps, times they were very upset, or the odd thing like pushing teddy in the doll's pram.

We had the same thing. He barely used a dummy at home except for sleep. At nursery he struggled to settle and had it all the time for comfort. I just made it clear that once he was settled I'd like them to phase it out. They started to ask him to give it back after naps, and eventually he stopped using it there at all. It took a couple of months though. I just figured it was temporary and they were happy to slowly reduce his reliance on it.

You just need to reiterate what your expectations are. When my DD started nursery I said I didn’t mind her having it a bit more if she was struggling to settle. I turned up to collect her early one day and, during tea, her poor key worker was kneeling next to DD as she ate, holding the dummy in the palm of her hand like a little private butler and told me that DD “wanted to be able to see it” 😂.

At that point I said no more unless it was for naps. She did indeed go and try to steal them from other babies, but nursery were good about laughing it off and redirecting her. Within a few months she didn’t even need it for sleep there. You’re paying them to look after your child, this isn’t an impossible ask.

I think if you're against dummies then don't use them at all. It doesn't make sense to the child that they can only have it "when inconsolable". All that means to them is "I'll get my dummy if I ramp up my distress symptoms enough".

I agree with BigEarrings that letting her have it whenever would be the approach to go at this point.

But if you could turn back the clock it'd perhaps have been better to wean her off it entirely before starting at nursery.

@MumoftwoNC - I think it is fairly normal for little ones to have a dummy to go to sleep, but not to be wandering round with it in their mouths when awake, playing, and - crucially - learning to talk.

I understand that about bedtime but "when inconsolable" has blurred the line for the child. Now she gets it if she cries (a lot?) so she will keep crying a lot to get it.

Both mine went to nursery since babies so I do know that the transition is really hard. It's a culture shock for the child. So I say let them have the dummy unconditionally if it's a thing you sometimes let them have for comfort anyway. My argument is that that's more of a crucial need than the speech development thing at this point in time (they can't do proper speech if they're too distressed, anyway).

Neither of mine ever had dummies so they didn't want them but I'd have let them have whatever they wanted during the awful nursery transition period. For example I bought three duplicates of dd's favourite cuddly toy.

She's going through a very stressful transition, I'd let her have her comfort!

Firstly, how old is she? And how long has she been going to nursery? Staff ratios for under 2s is one adult to 3 children in England. If you have one child in distress then they are taking up a lot of your time to console, sooth and interact with. The other 2 children are taking a back seat. This is like having triplets at home. Imagine it.

I agree that she may well learn to ramp up her crying in order to get the dummy depending on her age. She is distressed what do you want them to do?

Ds1 had a dummy for sleeping but didn't really bother about it. Ds2 had severe reflux and we were told to give him a dummy all the time to prevent scarring form the acid, basically he was swallowing down all the time because he was refluxing all the time. He weaned off it when he started preschool nursery at 3 because they don't have dummies then. That was 5 mornings a week. It is something you can get rid of at a later date, it isn't surgically attached to them.

Your child is comforted by the dummy. I would prefer a happier child at nursery than a distressed one without a dummy. I know it seems huge now, just like when your baby first rolled over. But it is a phase and she will grow out of it.

I taped a piece of paper to the dummy box saying “<name>, nap times only please” which I think helped!

My thoughts exactly.
The poor wee pet coping in a new and very different environment with strangers.
Anything that helps her…..

How long is she in the baby room for?

Once she moves up to whatever other room they have for older kids there won’t be any dummies to steal. So she will definitely need to just get on with it then!

While they are settling they do often need a home comforter more than they usually do. It’s something familiar that they gain a degree of reassurance from. Once they are settled and comfortable with the staff and environment they will naturally stop using it for reassurance.

Our settled babies often never need a comforter and yet it is the first thing they ask for when their parent arrives!